Your Super Bowl Hate Guide

You guys didn't really think I'd leave you hanging just because the Steelers didn't make it to the big game, did you? Boy has a bunch of hate been brewing in my loins since the game of which I will not speak.

So here we are, just a couple days before the Big Game. Being in Peru I really don't get the media hype that you guys do, but I have plenty of reasons to unleash the beast one more time this season...

You know the deal, probably definitely a lot of remarks that would make a drunken Irish sailor blush, violent comments regarding mothers of certain players, and general fury towards anything that breathes without black and gold in its veins. Enjoy. If this doesn't tickle your fancy proceed with caution, contents may be flammable.

First off, let me say that I normally would criticize the powers that be for choosing Indianapolis as the host city for this majestic Super Bowl. But given the fact that the Colts are terrible now, I relish in the pleasure. Everybody and their geriatric gramma thought Indy could get the fabled SB home field advantage.

And instead they got the first draft pick in the league. Such a beautiful thing to behold. It's poetic really. In a sort of Lord Byron way. And the icing on the cake is who is in the game this year: Eli Manning.

Manning has the opportunity to surpass his big brother in SB wins, which would make me squeal with delight. I used to think Eli was just some sort of over-coddled infant-man that needed a good spankin with a leather belt while being told to do his damn homework. But now his other testicle descended and he's playing man ball. I watched the vicious punishment he took in the NFCCG and I gotta say that was on par with a Ben Roethlisberger level of toughness. Granted Eli is about as mobile as an obese amputee under pressure, but he took his licks and kept playing.

I enjoy any opportunity to hate Peyton Manning. He has to be the most boring person I've ever seen. I doubt that he even jacks off, it would be too exciting for his life. I mean really you never see this guy talking about anything but football. Friggin Robocop has more personality than this corn-huskin retard. Even his commercials suck hard. It's just him standing there barely moving his cousin kissing hick lips.

So when I get to see his little brother surpass him, you can imagine the joy I feel as I know deep down inside his cold machine metal plated heart, Peyton has a sad and what little happiness he could have possibly had is being quenched by the forces of good. Hopefully he'll finish the job his neck started and jump out of a press box with a rope.

But Manning hate aside, there is no team in the world that makes me angrier than the Great Britain Loyalists

I've discussed these queef breathers before, and you know how much I hate them. From haughty head to ringed toe, these Bostonian beantards are the most disgusting bunch of cock jugglers that I've ever seen. Let's recap the myriad reasons why the Patriots are nothing more than salad tossing hobos looking for a car to start a soup kitchen in.

First of all, they cheated. I hate cheaters and they stank. Pittsburgh got robbed of TWO super bowl appearances because of Darth Belicheat's camera skillz. And then he used his evil Sith powers to brainwash the NFL into burning the evidence. Wikileaks revealed recently that Belichick also tossed 3 infants onto the flames to please his dark overlords. And then he fucked your wife with all his money. Could there be a more revolting slob of old fat shit roaming the sidelines today? Even Brad 'Child Molester' Childress seems like a nicer guy. The hoodie is taking the form of Darth Sidious more and more as the weeks go on. I swear to god LittleDick is the most annoying coach I've ever seen. Just a blatant asshole who gets paid to be an even bigger asshole. Nobody would tolerate that bullshit from any other team. The whole mystery around injury reports, the cheating, the man whoring, the demeanor. But Robert Kraft has his fist so far up Roger Goodell's asshole that he scratches Goodell's back from the inside.

Their demonic powers extend to every other team, which allows them to suck up draft picks like Pamela Anderson does dicks. I get so tired of them getting to pick 12 players every year despite never losing anybody decent in the process. There's obviously something goin on under the scenes. How many teams could be SO stupid as to hand one of the best teams in the league all those picks? Obviously Lex Luther is manipulating something with his evil hocus pocus.

And they are led by the pinnacle of douchebaggery, Thomas Edward Patrick Brady.

TEPB, or Tiny Erect Penis Bitch, somehow is allowed to have 4 first names. This is not Mexico TB, Toilet Brush. You can't just go around having an arbitrary number of names just for shits and giggles. Clearly this shows us that Thom Gady is not really American. He was born in California, meaning there's a 50% chance he's Mexican. He went to school high in a place called Junípero. Notice that faggy mark above the i? Yeah that's not America. In America we don't use gay little squiggly things when we write. None of this damn ñ or ú crap. Speak English and quit making our cities use your language. I can't understand you!

So there you have it, PROOF right here, that TEPB, or Tired of Eating Pig Balls, is not American. And according to the constitution you have to be American to be a successful quarterback in the NFL. Our founding fathers did not want teams to be led by other countries' infiltrating assassins. For the great George Washington knew that we would forge our culture upon the backs of athletics. So when I see Mexican Tom Brady, or Tomás Barrio on the TV, I feel like we've been tricked and deceived. I don't allow this to go unpunished.

Add to that his sins against all men, by being a prissy bitch wearing Uggs and hairplugs and posing nearly naked in magazines, I hate him and he stanks. By Mechem Decree, I summon the hate of a thousand people who locked their keys in their car, the hate of 5 thousand girls with daddy issues, and the anger of Stiller Nation upon your ass.

You aren't gonna win another Super Bowl ever again you piece of butthole loving shit! I'm so sick of your arrogant big headed attitude trying to overcompensate for your small member which you get sucked using your wads of money. You have no soul you heartless bastard. Nobody has contributed more to the ruining of football than you. You flop for fouls, you whine and cry at every turn, every smug little syllable that comes out from your fat joker lips makes me sick. I hope your private jet crashes over an island full of cannibals and they slowly eat you alive and roast you over a spit and hump your corpse before tossing it into a mass grave full of your entire family. I hope your other remaining ACL is as shredded as those video tapes of the Steelers 2004 defense. I hope Gisele ages terribly and takes all your money and leaves you to become a drunk bum living under a bridge swapping blowjobs for hits of meth. I'd ask you to rot in hell but I know even Satan couldn't stand having you around.

The Giants are gonna dominate this game and put to rest any hopes of an exciting rematch. The Pats woeful D will be violated like a Japanese girl on public transportation. Eli has finally grown a pair and he's gonna Tea Bag Tom Brady. I'll be watching, cheering for the big blue. May the Patriots fans be banished forever more into the giant asscrack from where they came.