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Tico the Steeler Dog's Offseason Power Rankings

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Tico the Steeler Dog's Rankings

1 Steelers

Casey Hampton’s too fat, but, if the Big Snack eats Aaron Smith’s and Kemo’s contracts, they could keep him and sign Mike Wallace. Wallace is the only player fast enough to escape the gravitational pull of Casey Hampton’s belly. It’s like a small moon.

2 Baltimore Cravens

Stupid birds never learn. I laughed for a week. Did T-Sizzle attend "Choke so Hard University?"

3 Green Bay Packers

How do you spell "Defense?" I don’t know, and neither do the Packers.

4 Houston Texans

Texas is stupid and has big hair, but they do have Arian Foster.

5 New York Giants

First three quarters I want Peyton, fourth quarter I want Eli. I like watching him crush "Brady and The Cheat’s" dreams. It’s called Karma, Bill, and yours doesn’t taste so good.

6 New Orleans Saints

I’d rather take ten baths every day for the rest of my life than spend one day as a Saint’s fan during a road playoff game.

7 Detroit Lions

Cats make me mad. Donkey Kong Suh plays mad. I like that.

8 New England Patriots

Things people drop: the hammer, the beat, rhymes, hot potatoes. Things New England Patriots drop: Super Bowl passes.

9 Arizona Cardinals

You can knock Wisenhunt down, but he won’t stay down. They won 8 games with a thing called John Skelton at QB. Plus, Darnell Docket is an honorary Rottweiler.

10 San Francisco Rice-A-Roni

Welcome to a first place schedule, and welcome to second place in the NFC West. Gore is a good football name. When in doubt, add more Gore.

11 Cincinnati Bengals

I can’t even count, but I know that if you take the total number of Super Bowls won by teams named after cats and multiply it by 10,000, you’d still have zero. Good luck with that.

12 Atlanta Falcons

Birds have feathery meat. Feathery meat tastes good, better than the mediocrity sandwich this team keeps putting out.

13 Dallas Cowboys

We’ve got to do something about Jerry Jones. We should give Texas back to Mexico so he would be somebody else’s problem.

14 San Diego Chargers

The Chargers suck and Norv Turner’s their coach. But I repeat myself.

15 New York Jets

I think Rex Ryan ate Casey Hampton. Steelers should sign Rex as a backup NT if we lose the Big Snack.

If your team didn’t make the list, it’s because they stink and you’re also probably a loser. You should do something about that, maybe go to counseling or try sniffing some different butts.

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