I don’t always tailgate, but when I do, I tailgate with Sombrero Man.

The Rooneys consult him on draft day. When he goes to church, people worship him. He kicks and returns his own punts. The Patriots have a home game dedicated to him.

During the Immaculate Reception, the referees asked his opinion. Ray Lewis paid him $10,000 to serenade his mother. If you test his blood, you’ll find Steel City Beer in the syringe. He was Terrell Suggs's favorite professor at Ball So Hard University.

He led a humanitarian mission to Cincinnati to teach the locals how to spell Lombardi Trophy. Ed Bouchette goes to him for writing tips. He has a winter cabin in Brett Keisel’s beard. At his presence, Ravens fans cower, Bengals fans piss themselves, and Browns fans – who am I kidding, there aren’t any Browns fans.

He led the league in touchdowns, without playing a down. He is, the Most Interesting Man of the Year. http://brettcottrell.blogspot.com/