It was like watching that Oprah Winfrey lady screaming, "everybody gets a pony! Everybody gets a pony!"
Thursday was Homer's birthday, and we all got a pony. Santa Claus is real. But don't you believe for one minute that he only comes once a year. He hung around for Friday and Saturday, too.
For the Steelers, the draft was like a trip down to the Wal-Mart Supercenter. They put together a list, drove down, grabbed a cart, and headed down the aisles. Offensive guard? Check. Tide liquid detergent? Check. Offensive tackle? Check. Milk? Check. Orange juice? Check. Inside linebacker? Check. Sargento string cheese? Check. Nose tackle? Check. White Castle Frozen Sliders? Check. Jack-of-all trades speed merchant? Check. Little Debbie Brownies? Check. Mmmm. Little Debbie. Get another one of those. We got everything we needed, with no rain checks, and when we were ready to leave, somebody opened up a new checkout aisle, and we didn't even have to wait in line among the Wal-Martians!
Now that we're home, let's open up those plastic bags and see what we got....
First round: We all know that this DeCastro guy is the steal of the draft. There is still no logical explanation for the Immaculate Selection. How he was still there at 24 can only be explained by theology. We have been waiting for this guy longer than people have been waiting for Godot and Guffman combined. He is the perfect fit, and his Steeler name is Mr. Plow. Mr Plow, that's the name. That name again is Mr. Plow. Mr. Plow will be this year's pledge class president. Best Christmas present ever!
Second round: People are worried about this Adams kid. Reefer madness, marijuana - assassin of youth - and he's done some things that were pretty stupid. Well, as a child of the sixties, Homer knows a little about the wacky weed, and he also knows that guys in their early twenties often act like assholes. Especially Jocks. Homer did a lot of things at that age he'd rather not discuss. Well, Adams did some amazingly stupid things and got caught.
Luckily, Mike Adams (with the help of his agent) had the good sense to admit his colossal stupidity and beg forgiveness from the only team he really wanted to play for. Just as sunlight is a great disinfectant, humility is a great cure for assholes. So is looking in the mirror and knowing you almost pissed away your life's dream.
Homer believes the best place in the world for Mike Adams is the Steeler locker room, where last year's pledge class President - Cam Heyward - can keep an eye on him and give him encouragement. Heyward and Adams played together at Ohio State, and Cam's solid Pittsburgh-based family can also help provide Adams comfort and stability. Plus Kevin Colbert has publicly gone out on a limb for Adams and said it's his gamble. Adams owes Colbert, and even if he's not strong enough to resist temptation on his own, he has that obligation. And, most important, MIke Tomlin believes in servant leadership, and he will make it his job to do whatever he can to put Adams in a position to succeed.
The Steelers are still a family run business, and the family will take care of Mike Adams. He's first round talent, so long as he makes the right decisions. And, for maybe the first time in his life, he will be surrounded by family determined to keep him on the path to a happy and successful life.
Round three: Homer doesn't know much about this Spence guy, but, then again, Homer doesn't know as much about defensive personnel as Dick LeBeau. He supposedly has an instinctive nose for the football, and that is a good thing if you are a defensive player. They didn't waste much time picking him, even with all the other talent still on the board. They know what they are doing.
Round four: Santa stuck around to deliver this pick on Saturday. Nobody expected Ta'amu to last into the fourth round, and when he was still on the board, Colbert pulled the trigger and traded up. He big boy! Big nose tackle! And if you saw Coach Mitchell's news conference after they picked him, Mitch can't wait to start working with him. And Homer is certainly glad that he's not the table at the Mitchell news conference. It took a pounding.
Ta'amu says he's happy to come to Pittsburgh to play with Polamalu and represent Pacific Islanders. Homer has spent a little time in Hawaii and is familiar with what the locals eat out there as their mid-day meal. It consists of two heaping scoops of white rice, another scoop of macaroni salad, and a meat dish or maybe spam. You can get this carbohydrate feast most anywhere in the islands. It is called Plate Lunch. Ta'amu is backing up Big Snack. His Steeler name is Plate Lunch.
Round five: Again some questions about this Rainey guy, but again Homer points to family. When he was in high school, the Pouncey family took him in and Maurkice's family vouches for him now. And Maurkice will be around to keep an eye on him. He is a speed burner who can do a lot of things, and the one that intrigues Homer the most is that he blocked SIX punts in college. He is a threat any time he gets his hands on the ball, and is another steal.
After all that, Homer said he didn't care if the round seven picks included socks, underwear, and school supplies, but there were four picks and now a whole bunch of free agents. And, considering that Kiesel, Deebo, FWP, and plenty of other Steeler stars were sevens or UFDA's, there's no telling how many more wonderful gifts Santa and Kevin have left for us.
Homer would like to thank you for helping celebrate his birthday - and Christmas in April - and I hope you enjoy your pony. Make sure to welcome Mr Plow and Plate Lunch and all the other members of the 2012 Pledge Class. Black and Gold House is in great hands, with a great future, and the best pledge class in years!