Rookie Minicamp lesson for Offensive linemen.
Kugler: Greetings gentlemen!
Players: Good afternoon coach.
Kugler: Today we gonna draw the parallel line between playing in Steelers Offensive line and preparing the T-Bone Steak. Mike, do you know the meaning of the word parallel?
Adams: Uhm... Sir, I don't know the exact answer. But, it has to do with straight lines. I'll do whatever it takes to study it. (Behind Adams, Kelvin Beachum vigorously raises his hand wanting to answer professor's question)
Kugler: Kelvin, you've got your master's degree. And this question is too easy for you. So don't act like a smart arse here. You better explain me the difference between porterhouse steaks and T-bone steaks.
Beachum: Porterhouse steaks are cut from the rear end of the short loin and include more tenderloin, while T-bone steaks are cut from farther forward and contain less.
Kugler: Impressive. I guess you know your stuff well. Ok, here is a question for you David. Why am I trying to teach you the similarities between playing in Offensive line and cooking steak?
DeCastro: Sir, I'm not sure. But I think you want us eat well and prepare us to be well conditioned through healthy eating.
Kugler: Wrong answer young man. I'm drawing parallels between these two, as they are very similar in nature. Playing Offensive line gentlemen, is like being a cook who prepares steaks. Every steak before preparing needs to be tenderized. And how do we tenderize meat?
We Pound the slices of meat into thinner slices, using a meat mallet. This will flatten the meat and break the fibers and connective tissues, making the meat more tender.
I want you all to use your hands as meat mallets and pound the crap out of defensive linemen and linebackers. We have huge T-Bone steaks in our division in Haloti Ngata, Terence Cody, Geno Atkins, Domata Peko, and Ahtyba Rubin. I want you all to not be afraid of their name recognition and just consider them as T-Bone steaks. Understood?
Players: Yes, Sir.
Kugler: And what do we do with steaks?
Players: We pound 'em hard!
Kugler: Good answer. If you do your job well. We make the meat a bit tender. But T-Bone steaks are tough SOBs and a good technique should be applied. You ever saw those japanese martial arts guys breaks baseball bats with their bare hands? Good, cuz I want you this off season train and make your hands true iron meat mallets. Besides, you guys gonna have steel balls to be able to succeed in this league. Maurkice has steel balls. Last year Big Ben fractured his finger when it was caught between his balls. I want you to be true Steeler players with steel balls to be able to pound those defensive SOBs continuously. When the meat is tenderized the victories will be served on the football field. Now, do you think simple pounding will be enough?
Beachum: I think there should be some more to it, right coach?
Kugler: Exactly. Pounding the meat is not enough. You need to use meat tenderizer, usually made from pineapple or papaya extracts, to the meat. These contain enzymes that break down tough fibers. In football, your meat tenderizers are hard and relentless running backs. We have one in legendary RedZone Redman. When opponents see him run they tend to piss their pants off. As enzymes break down tough fibers in meat, good running breaks down the mental toughness of tough defensive SOBs, while your pounding break them down physically.
Beachum: What about QB play coach? Do they have a say in this steak making process?
Kugler: You bet they are. Good QB play acts like pre-made marinade that contains an acidic ingredient such as vinegar, wine or citrus fruit juice. Our QB's play make the toughest of the Defensive players crap their pants in the 4th quarter. He is a true Marinade-Master of them all. So, now, anyone can sum up today's lesson for me ?
DeCastro: I'll try Sir. To be great in this league, we have to make a special recipe each and every game. I'll be looking forward to make Ravenburger with Ngata steak come this autumn. To do that we need to pound Ngata and Cody steaks, tenderize them with Redman, and Mr Roethlisberger will get the air out their breath with his marinading skills. Whoala, the meal will be served.
Kugler: I like your attitude kid. Hopefully, if injury bug will leave us alone, we'll be making a bunch of steaks this year. Class dismissed for today. Have a rest while practicing trying to shatter the baseball bats in your lockers with your bare hands.
Random history quote:
After 4th quarter of the playoffs game in Denver
Colbert: Mike, Pouncey out, Big Ben banged up, Woodley and Harrison shaky, Brown and Cortez injured, Keisel and Hampton just got injured… Would you call me crazy if I say let’s lose this game to Bronks and make them happy now, instead of making Patsies happy next week? We’ll get a better position in draft. What d’ you think?
Mike Tomlin: Hmmmm Kevin, I think I agree with you and take PIT-NE 1-0 instead of 1-1. You know how Dick feels when they talk about Pats wins.
Hey Ike, come here dude, we gotta talk about longest TD reception in OT history…