Your season preview hate guide

Your preseason hate guide:

The disclaimer is at the very top today because honestly I can’t wait to hate. Be advised that profanity, inflammatory comments, and general offensiveness await you if you choose to continue absorbing the incredible light that Hate casts.

Hello BTSC. As the start of the next season of glorious holy football approaches we now have more information as to what this season holds. The draft is complete, free agency dead, and OTA’s underway. We are starting to see the formation of 32 teams, with many new players. And all of them want to piss on Pittsburgh and see us die a horrible miserable death.

Well what do we say to death? Not today, bitches. Not ever. Your Pittsburgh Steelers have reloaded their Mossberg and are ready to unleash some serious hell for 2012. With a new O-line soon to be led by the ugliest scariest dude in O-line history, an OC whose head is not firmly implanted in his rectum, and a fresh D-line with healthy LBs, we are ready to rip holes in our enemies’ bodies and stuff them with ground AIDS meat.

We Peter North’ed a ton of hate on our opponents last year, and fell short of the ultimate murder. Clearly we did not prepare enough! Our Hate Tanks ran empty. I feel that I have failed us in this regard. Well never again. Our hate-o-meter will read FULL AS SNOOKI’S SNATCH for the rest of the season. We’re gonna fill it up until it’s rolling down the side of our bad-ass monster truck of HATE. We will then proceed to demolish our enemies like vacant recreational vehicles get destroyed by Grave Digger.

So let’s get to hatin, people.

Our season of pillaging and razing begins with the Colorado Cunts, the Jack-asses of the Rockies, the Shit-Pile-High Horse Cocks.

Last year’s season ended in Denver. Denver is some god forsaken land high up in the atmosphere where you can’t breathe and for some reason you have to play in like 4 times in a row. And now we once again get to travel our asses out to this crappy oxygen deprived garbage dump. It’s obvious why Denver is the dumbest team in the league right now, they clearly don’t get enough O2 in their diminutive brains. Now they have Gayton WoManning and think his neck bones will be stable enough to throw a football. I sincerely long for this opportunity to watch James Harrison remove someone’s head from their body. I have been praying for this day for years. Just one clean swipe and a Kill-Bill style blood shot into the air, which is promptly absorbed by Keisel’s Beard for future Viking ceremonies. We know Mannings neck is weak. GO FOR IT. KILL KILL KILL. Now more than ever Manning is susceptible to beheadment, and I yearn for it like a pregnant woman randomly yearns for bizarre foods. I just generally hate Manning and he stanks. He’s like a vacuum for fun and enjoyment. He very well could be the least interesting person on earth. He reminds me of rain man or something, he can read a defense like Sherlock Holmes and throws with laser-guided missile intensity but seems barely human. I expect his head is shaped like a giant kidney bean because there’s actually a little alien inside working the controls of his robot body. There’s no way he’s a real human being. I bet he calculates the arc and velocity of his money shots. I wonder if anybody has intercepted a Manning Money Shot and taken it back to the house.

I’m also really tired of going to Denver to play. We’ve gotten more screwed than any other team in that regard. I’m convinced this is the Ginger’s way to kill Ryan Clark for supporting the NFLPA so vocally. Really think about it, who would benefit from us playing in Denver besides Sarah Jessica Parker face transplant recipient John Elway and Goodell? That red haired twat wants to murder one of his enemies. Ryan Clark is an outspoken NFLPA activist that opposes Goodell vocally and frequently. Now I respect murdering one’s enemies with wanton disgregard. But if you’re gonna try to kill someone you better do it like Ray Lewis and have a proper knife fight. None of this pussy altitude exposure KGB style death. Nothing makes Roger Goodell look more like a gaping vag-cunt than this.

I expect us to castrate Elway’s Broncos with giant hedge trimmers of justice and revenge, with Isaac Redman fully violating the Broncos’ D in every available hole that DeCastro and Pouncey open wide with benoit balls.

After that we get to host the Holy See of New York. Finally everyone can see what a shit coach Rex Ryan is. I’ve always said that morbidly obese coaches would never win anything, and I still stand by that statement. It’s clear that their gargantuan mass reduces players’ respect and discipline. After all, it’s hard to teach discipline when you walk into a SubWay and it has to close when you leave. Rex Ryan would literally make a better blocking sled than a coach.

But wait people, this team isn’t done whoring itself out and doing its stripper dance all over our johnsons. They went and made a deal with Him. He is now in the land of New York, an amazing den of sin and temptation. Limp Shebow is now a resident of NYC and a member of the New York Jets.

Could this prove any further that Tebow is nothing more than a pretentious fraud that didn’t get enough attention from his (biological) father? I cannot believe that this piece of shit manages to stay atop the headlines with his every move. If Tebow reads his Torah people flip out and tweet it all over the place.

I’ll never understand why he commands so much attention. With such a grand percentage of the population losing their interest in religion why in the world does anybody give a rat’s charred asscheek about Tim Tebow? I refuse to buy the next version of Madden because the Tebow Celebration is in it. That violates my freedom to never express worship of a deity. Tebow is literally being crammed down my atheist throat. It’s like a giant black dong of rape being stuffed down my esophagus.

Tebow is like a retarded nephew that everybody thinks is cute. They think he’s cute because he does stupid shit like eating dog poop or uttering unintelligible syllables when he’s 3 years old. He’s retarded yet everybody chooses to ignore it because it’s so much more amazing to see how friggin cute he is. Awww look he loves Jesus on Sunday. Ohh he’s gonna get married before he has sex… Isn’t it adorable how he thanks god every TD?

NO ITS NOT ADORABLE. ITS OBNOXIOUS. QUIT IT!!! Sweet L.Ron Hubbard leave me the hell alone with your ridiculous message. You’re the biggest hypocrite and waste of my time. You can have your religion but keep it to your damn self I’m so tired of people waving it around all over the place. I don’t care about your thoughts/beliefs/feelings I only want football!!!

Imagine if you wanted some ice cream. And then somebody just shoved a hot dog in your ice cream. Are hot dogs good? They are when the Jews make em. Did you want one right that moment in the middle of your ice cream? HELL NO. That’s what Tim Tebow is, a gross non kosher turkey pork dog and he’s smack dab in the middle of my GD Ben & Jerry’s.

Gah. Screw the Jets. May we beat them with rebar.

Well I got a little distracted there… Two games down. We travel to Cokeland for week 3 against the Raiders of the lost ability to win games.

With Al Davis finally dead, and his curse upon humanity lifted, perhaps this team will do something right. Although I still doubt it. Any team that has to share a baseball field is a shitty team. That’s really all there is to say. When you throw the ball and the receiver is in dirt, there’s something horribly wrong. And people complain about Heinz, at least we have god’s green natural grass. We help the environment. Oakland just runs around on a scab of dirt like a bunch of homeless Guatemalans. And now we gotta get our shoes dirty and get in that dump too.

I wanna bury the Raiders in that dirt, cover their heads with towel dispensers, and let Jeff Reed come back to practice his kickoffs.

After a bye week we get the Feelmyselfia Kegels. Led by another morbidly obese man who should’ve been shown the door ages ago, but probably didn’t fit through anymore, this team is coming off their ‘Dream Team’ year. What a joke that was. God it was fun to watch them suck all year and do nothing. Finally they come to Pittsburgh, where we can show them what it feels like to get their ass kicked by the other half of the state. Last time they were here Ben opened up a can of rookie whoop ass and clipped their wings right off. Andy Reid has gained about 3 planetary masses since that date, and it’ll be fun to skewer him on one of the goalposts and roast him over an open flame.

A two game road trip starts with a visit to the Ten’Teeth Titans. This team was our gimp last year in one of our less than common ass whoopings. Feels so good to consistently make Tennessee our bitch since they stepped on the towel. Making fun of the Terrible Towel is like making fun of a 300lb brick shithouse of a man who’s hung like a horse. You’re gonna get your ass kicked and he’s gonna screw your wife when he’s done kickin your ass. And she’s gonna love it. We’ve managed to get our fists all the way up the Titan’s asses as of late, lets see if we can’t pull a tooth out from the inside.

After that, we get the surprisingly semi-competent Bungholes of Pissinatti. Somehow the management of this team found a map with the directions on how to pull their heads out of their asses. Of course, this is another Goodell scheme to increase the power of Big Ginger in the NFL. There’s clearly a conspiracy here. Who better to help the Fuhrer than a fellow worshipper of the Red God. Besides Red, there is also Green who is just as tall and black as we had expected, making him a formidable WR. Fortunately the Bengals still don’t know how to draft as well as the Steelers, missing out on the best lineman by being retarded. I hope DeCastro holds a grudge.

The Redskins are run by the largest douchebag in the NFL: Dan Snyder. Dan Snyder is like a spoiled trust fund baby who thinks the best solution to a problem is to throw tons of money and draft picks at it. And that’s how RG3, the ignoramus sock wearing bust of the future was brought to Washington. This preppy son of a bitch traded his life away, got RG3, and of course declares Washington a winning team. Dan Snyder knows as much about running a football team as Joe Flacco does about winning championships. RG3 scares me about as much as a blind diabetic mouse scares a cat.

Not only does New York come to us this year, but we get to go to New York this year. ZOMG. The Giants should actually be a pretty solid challenge for us. Eli’s testes have finally dropped and the sippy cup lid has been taken off. Still, they got to play against the weakest defense in football to win the Super Bowl. I’m curious to see how quickly Eli returns to the fetal position when he sees Polamalu and Silverback flying around like crazed wolves chasing the last rabbit on earth. Big Blue Balls are gonna be sore for a week after this match up.

OC Wars: Episode 5: The Haley Strikes Back

Todd Haley, our new awesome OC with grit and spit and rage and hate is gonna get to play against Kansas Shitty. KC did get dealt a shitty hand with Charles blowing out his ACL while running into a cheerleader or whatever stupid way he did that was. The Haley is now on our side, and his offenses have been pretty damn good. KC won’t be much of a force, with only a couple playmakers and a new system to learn they’ll be about as good as the one kid from high school that was held back like 3 years. Every school had one, and if you don’t remember one, you probably were the one. Your parents lied to you so you wouldn’t realize you were an idiot. Light: brought.

Much brouhaha has been made over the fact that we play the Shittinmore Hymens twice in 3 weeks. Well I’m all for it frankly. Nothing excites me more than the opportunity to give Average Joe Flacco night terrors that often. I expect the Ratbirds to take a step back this year. Their O-line is getting old, and our D-line is getting young. I expect Flaccid Flake-o to crumble under the relentless rapey pressure of our front 7. Meanwhile, they will continue to suck at WR where our younger secondary will triumph. And finally Fried Ray Rice isn’t happy, which makes things even better. And Ed Reed isn’t practicing, and Stabby Ray is old. And Harbastard will continue to blame the refs and whine and bitch and piss and moan. A return to normalcy is a good thing this year.

And don’t worry too much about the whole ‘wear and tear’ thing from the Ravens. We got lucky with a bye week in between: The Cleveland Brown Feces. This was probably the nicest gift on our schedule. Between two important games against an ugly purple foe, we get to play the D-2 Browns. Yinz know my hatred for the Browns is endless, and Cleveland just makes it so damn easy. The Browns are like a drunk college girl wearing no clothes on spring break, you know you’re gonna hit that hard. It’s not even like stealing candy from a baby. More like stealing candy from an aborted fetus. This year’s attempt at futility was a 28 year old QB: Brandon Weeden. Pardoning his moronic last name, we can see that the Browns once again pulled off the worst draft move ever. They literally would have been better off drafting Joe Montana in his modern form. Cleveland is sort of like a bank for shitty QBs. Have more lousy QBs played in one city before? The NFL draft should have a noose hanging from the ceiling for anybody drafted by the Browns. A mercy killing is really the only fair thing to do. I hate em and they stank. Can’t wait to rip em up.

Next up after our 2nd ravens bout is another of the Steelers favorite bottom bitches: The San Diego Whale’s Vagina.

We own San Diego. This is an undisputable fact. I love that. I hate them, they stank, Rivers is a douche, Tomlinson was a douche, Gate is a douche, Jackson is a douche, basically they’re all a bunch of dumb knuckle draggin Califoreignians and I’m sick and tired of em. I hate em and they stank! But thankfully we get to steal their thunder and punish them as we prep for the playoffs. Sadly, they’ll probably get in because the AFC West is the weakest division in the world. It’s kinda like a super ugly fat chick was the reward for the Medal of Honor, nobody would want to win it.

And then our old school enemies from Texico, the Dallasshole Cowgirls. We gotta go to the JerryDome and run over Tony Cholo and ram our spurs up their asses. I’m not worried about this team at all, it’s always the biggest hype pile in the league every season. And Romo is THE most overrated QB in all of the NFL. He’s basically a Flacco with spinning rims. Flashier, prettier, but dumber and plays just as inconsistently. The thing that kills me is that I can’t see Jerry Jones’s face writhe with sadness. I’m pretty sure his face is cast in plastic in a Chinese sweatshop with 4 year olds drawing the features on. An oil well could gush through the stadium and he probably wouldn’t be able to show you how happy he was. Hopefully he has a heart attack and nobody notices he’s dying.

We wrap up the year with another spanking of the Bungholes and our annual exhibition game against Cleveland. I love that the schedule makers give us this game at the end of the year, it’s so nice to have that W penciled in early. Too bad those jagoffs play dirty in that game and always hurt The Ben.

Final prediction for the year: 17-0 in the regular season (we kick the bye week’s ass) and 1-0 in the playoffs (two teams forfeit when Harrison gives them a menacing glare).

Here’s to the NFL’s next season, can’t come soon enough. Get your hate on.

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Behind the Steel Curtain

You must be a member of Behind the Steel Curtain to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Behind the Steel Curtain. You should read them.

Join Behind the Steel Curtain

You must be a member of Behind the Steel Curtain to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Behind the Steel Curtain. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.