Dear Mr. Jimmy Haslam,
First off, I'd like to apologize for the two-year delay on this, but welcome to Steeler Nation. It's great to have you as one of the owners of our beloved football team, and we look forward to years of continued success, from the field to the front office to the concessions vendors.
I'll be honest, I don't know whether the concessions vendors are considered successful, but I like to think they are.
It's with regret, though, sir, I must inform you of a problem I've recently uncovered. You see, Browns owner Randy Lerner's confirmation today of rumors that you have inquired about purchasing at least a part of the Cleveland Browns is troubling, to put it mildly.
I was moved by your "I'm a 1,000 percent Steelers fan" statement when you first joined our ranks. It's stirring, if not completely orchestrated, but those words have power here. We expect those who say or write them, to mean them.
I'm not sure if that's the way things work where you are from, but they are here, in our landless, unified nation.
Please, sir, don't think of me as a moron. I'm very much a supporter of business and understand the bottom line is ultimately what matters. I get you're trying to make a buck and you'd perhaps like a bigger slice of the pie than you current get at Table Rooney. But to flirt around with another team while you are a partial owner of this one isn't something we're going to appreciate.
And to flirt around with that sorry of an excuse for a team? That's like being married to Kate Upton and flirting with that awful looking woman sitting two desks down from me. I'll spare you the picture, because you don't want to see it.
And we don't appreciate those who intentionally spite us. Approximately 84 percent of us are now blocked on Mike Wallace's twitter feed due to our discord over his holdout. Ask Plaxico Burress. He's all but banished and all he did was tell Ben Roethlisberger to call a different play in the huddle. Plus, that whole "spiking the ball before being tackled" thing never sat well, and I'm being fair in assuming it never will.
Where were you when the Jaguars were for sale? I didn't read your name back then. Granted, Jacksonville isn't Shangri-La either, but compared to Cleveland, it's Shangri-La with free drinks and crab cakes. Maybe toss in a cigar.
This says nothing of the rivalry we have with Cleveland. You know, the whole Steelers/Browns thing? I know in your time you've never seen the Browns beat the Steelers, and even if you stayed in Pittsburgh for another 20 years you still may not ever see it, but you had to realize they're still in the league, right?
Thomas Tull, one of your other co-owners, produced the Dark Knight version of Batman. You know he could find the guy who did Bane's stunts and throttle you, right?
That being said, we wish you the very best in your pursuit of ownership of the Cleveland Browns. Even the due diligence of exploring the possibility of buying a piece of that team is enough to see you are not worthy of your "1,000 percent" statement, and we've retracted it for you. Your services are no longer wanted, needed or even remotely desired. Security will be there soon to take your Swingline stapler.
Best of luck, you'll need it, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Thank you, and have a wonderful day.