FanPost

Your 2012 Week 2 Hate Guide



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Your week 2 hate guide:

*Your #1 source of Hate can now be given to you via Twitter, @hatingtheleague. More info at the end*

Well last week was lame. Clearly the hate guide was not read by our Pittsburgh Steelers. An admirable effort, but not enough to beat the Broncos. Still, I feel pretty darn optimistic about the team. Apparently we just need to crank up the hate for this week.

And so this week the voice of the people has been heard. I’ve made an effort to get all of the hate poured out upon the entire league. All that which is hated and stanky shall be revealed to be so. Besides, extra hate has never done us any wrong.

As usual, do not proceed further unless you are comfortable with excessively foul language that could make a drunken pirate crap his pants. Some of the content of the hate guide may upset your weak-of-constitution employer, so march onward only from the safety of a non-monitored device. If you are ready, enter the world of pain that is the Hate Guide.

Before I get started however, I feel the need to rant on a topic that is driving me insane and making me want to drop-kick parents everywhere in the face.

I teach school now, a change from strictly teaching English full time. I am in charge of the next generation of Peruvians. Scary, I know, but at least I’m doing my part to spread the love of America. I bring my pigskin to school and throw bullets into their frail sternums and show them for the first time in their soccer plagued lives that their hands CAN be used for sport. Seriously, soccer is simply a game for people who can’t do more than one thing at a time. Run AND carry something? Impossible. Routes? Catching? Eyes on the ball while I move in another direction? Preposterous!

But I digress, the problem I see is the potential death of football as we know it. America is undergoing a massive Pussyfication© and it’s spreading to Peru as well. Children are being far too coddled nowadays. My little entitled over-cared-for darlings complain when they have a headache. Children don’t get headaches, I do. They immediately expect an ambulance of servants and attention, demanding to see the school nurse posthaste. In my efforts to reverse the Pussyfication© process, I tell these softies to suck it up and if it hurts 10 minutes later I’ll let them go. Guess what? They NEVER ask again.

Aside from obvious societal complications that these creatures will bring once reaching the age to become a burden on mankind, the football implications are also severe. Football has no room for soggy vagbags. We already have enough whiney cunts at WR, and now it’s starting at QB with guys like Sanchez Flacco Cutler and Matt Leinart just to mention a few. This is just going to get worse.

So parents, spank your children, don’t give in to their every demand, and ignore them about 50% of the time. It’ll toughen them up and they’ll learn to take care of themselves. My parents developed ingenious uses for vinegar, ping-pong paddles, spatulas, and belts and I turned out just fine.

Onto the football.

Our opponent this week is the Manhattan Manwhores, the Dirty Holy Sanchezbows, the Green Shit Jets.

I once had a modicum of respect for this team. Graciously gifting us a win in the 2004 playoffs was kind and a gesture of humility. That team first attitude, sacrificing a win in exchange for being spared their lives, it’s something you just don’t see nowadays. Especially since the Jowly Green Giant showed up. Rex Ryan (and by proxy is even homelesser relative Rob) is a disgusting foul gelatinous ball of slime and I hate em and he stanks! I pity the janitor who has to work at the Jets practice facility. That poor bastard could probably file a lawsuit for the devastating case of brown lung that he’s developing. Rex Ryan literally is a ball of shit, and produces his gargantuan weight in excrement on a daily basis. Whether falling from his ass like atomic bombs over a porcelain Japan, or spewing forth from his flabby chins out of his putrid food intake orifice, everything about this man gives me dry heaves. Whatever he says, whatever he does, it just reeks of raw manure and reveals the true man hidden behind seven folds of blubber: A honking log of dooky.

I’ve always said that Morbidly Obese coaches will never win it all. Morbid obesity stanks and I hate it. It’s more or less a sign that you have literally no self control and therefore cannot function as a human being. Either that, or you simply lack the self-starting motivation necessary to rid yourself of your extra mass. And this is coming from a dude who’s lost over 50 pounds, so I have every right to speak out against Big Fatty. How can you respect a dude that’s large enough to generate his own gravitational field? Good luck pushing players to run laps while your fat ass can’t even run to the door to get your pizza. That’s ReXXXXL Ryan, a fat waste of space lumbering for a donut while the rest of the team works.

It’s clear that he lost all control of his team last year. They spiraled into the crapper right along with Rex’s dynamic deuces. This fiasco has already been forgotten faster than a drunk bachelor forgets the name of the intoxicated floozy that fellated him at 3 AM in the back of his pickup truck. This is because of last week’s amazing showing against the Buffalo Wild Bills. The Bills suck, and Sancheetos is now anointed as the greatest thing ever after putting an absolute brow-beating on the Bills. Not so fast you illegal immgrint. I’m on to your wily schemes. He’ll go back to chucking picks with impunity in no time. Hopefully this week.

I hate a player that gets heaped a ton of praise after one outing. Stevie Johnson comes to mind. He stanks, and blames god for his problems. Blaming god for a bad game is almost as bad as Peyton blaming his O-line when he loses. Sanchez is the latest among these useless idiots that finds a way to make front page news. But nothing rivals the shenaniganous nature of the Jets' latest crime against humanity. They just had to go and make me hate em even harder. They went and got John 3:16. As if I couldn’t hate them enough for their head coach, they just had to make the worst HC QB combination in history a reality.

I’m really extremely torn over whether I hate Belicheck and Brady more than Ryan and Tebow. It’s like choosing between getting fired the day before a promotion as manager of the Playboy empire, or having your brand new Ferrari hit by a meteor while driving down the highway with your new 19 year old girlfriend with big tits, who dies in the wreckage. Either way, you’re gonna be mad as hell and ready to curse the heavens in rage.

My hate for the former is more pure, whereas the hate for the latter is motivated by recent events I suppose. But hate is hate is hate. And sweet Aunt Jemima’s saggy bosoms I hate Tim Tebow. Tebowmania is basically JesusAIDS. It infects everyone, gives them crazy ideas about things that aren’t real, and then just leaves everybody hanging in wait. But now it’s Tebow in New York, coming soon to MTV. Tebow proved to the world he’s nothing but a false pious media prostitute.

Some of you may be surprised to know that I’m quite the bible scholar. So I’m going to call Tebow out on his own horsehocky.

The book of Revelation foretold a strange beast that would appear and do dastardly things:

Rev 13:13: It [the wild beast] performs great signs, so that it should even make fire come down out of heaven to the earth in the sight of mankind.

Continuing, Rev 13:14: And it misleads those who dwell on earth, because of the signs that were granted to it to perform.. 13:16: And it puts under compulsion all persons, the small and the great, and the rich and the poor, and the free and the slaves..

Sound like Tebow? Do the Browns routinely draft horrible QBs too high?

Fortunately, all is not lost: Rev 18:4-7: 4 And I heard another voice out of heaven say: “Get out of her, my people, if YOU do not want to share with her in her sins, and if YOU do not want to receive part of her plagues. For her sins have massed together clear up to heaven, and God has called her acts of injustice to mind. Render to her even as she herself rendered, and do to her twice as much, yes, twice the number of the things she did; in the cup in which she put a mixture put twice as much of the mixture for her. To the extent that she glorified herself and lived in shameless luxury, to that extent give her torment and mourning. That is why in one day her plagues will come, death and mourning and famine, and she will be completely burned with fire, because God, who judged her, is strong.

Revelation is arguably the most badass tome ever. God knows a thing or two about hate. Lord knows if I had even a little bit of his righteous powers I would have eliminated this world of hippies, California, bees, and the Soviets in dynamic fashion. I find these words inspiring.

To the extent Tebow has glorified himself and lived in shameless luxury, give him torment and mourning. Tebow has done nothing but glorify himself with his false displays of jive turkey piety. He basically has become his own glory hole, poking us in the eye at every opportunity. And sweet science do the talking brainless heads on the TV screen praise Tebow orally at every turn. NFL Network just had a top ten Tebow moments air. If Tebow wipes his ass, somebody is checking his stains for holy residue. ESPN even ran on their news ticker ‘Tebow completes 3 straight passes in practice’ or something to that effect. It’s unreal, and it has to stop.

The only way it stops, is by putting in ‘twice the mixture’ into his cup of blessed foaming piss. Twice the sacks, twice the time on the bench, twice the pain, twice the picks, twice the HATE. Make no mistake, Teblow will see the field on this Sunday. Once we start violating the Jets in all their available holes that haven’t been filled by Tebow’s golden spunk and Ryan’s diarrhea, they’ll be quick to put in Tebow. After all, he did perform a miracle against us, why not try it? That’s when we fulfill the prophecy, murder Tebow, burn him at the stake, and rid the world of his blasphemy once and for all. After Harrison and Woodley sacrifice him to hell, Satan will dry rape him with flaming hot chili peppers just like his priest did.

Rev 18:9 sums it up nicely: And the Kings of the earth who committed fornication with her and lived in shameless luxury will weep and beat themselves in grief over her

Tebow will fail, burn, and Rex Ryan will weep and beat himself, if in fact he can find his tiny pecker under all that fat. Once he is gone, the Jets can return to the cellar they came from, and nevermore will I have to hear about the world’s greatest coach or the world’s most wonderful QB ever again. All will be restored to its former glory.

May the men of steel fulfill the prophetic phrases and defile the prostitute and wild beast and Rex Ryan and Tim Tebow and New York and everybody else on that team. From shirt grabbing Revis Island, who should be sent to a desert island and forced to live like Tom Hanks from Castaway for having such a stupid nickname, to Bluntonio Homez who will probably be too high to even remember his route, to D’ShitaBrickaShaw Fergie-son, who is proof enough that some people should simply not be allowed to name their own children. I hope they all rot in flames on this Sunday and commit seppuku out of shame. Go Steelers. I hate the Jets and they Stank.

Well now I’m fired up. Let’s hate somebody else. The Jets are toast crumbs on Rex’s saggy tits.

First off, the NFL has decided to do me a serious disservice by tacking on Thursday games every GD week of the season. Thursday games do nothing but complicate my life further. Fantasy Football lineups must be set farther in advance, and I work my tail off Monday-Wednesday like a Chinese sweatshop worker, clocking in roughly 35 hours those days. Alas, the hate cannot wait. But god do I hate those games. Poor commenting crew, usually poor matchups, and even poorer availability.

This week the Green Bay Jackoffers take on the Cagado Bears in the Thursday night slot.

Apparently sulkmaster Cutler took his happy pills last week. Week one was one of the highest scoring weeks in the history of the game as far as I could tell. It’s clear that Roger Goodell has gotten his wish: An NFL void of defense and lush with Touchdowns. I don’t suddenly consider Cutler, Flacco, or the aforementioned Dirty Sanchez as elite. They’re still mediocre players on chicken shit teams that benefit from Goodells destruction of football. Lovie Smith is basically the black Andy Reid with 200 less pounds of meat on his bones. Both of these asshat coaches live off the fame of one failed super bowl game, and despite sucking at an unimaginable level year in and year out, still keep their jobs. These men should have been shown the door ages ago. Lovie must have pictures of one of the higher ups buck naked with a bag over their head in a closet, because there’s no other way anyone could justify keeping him around anymore.

And also, big F U to the schedule makers who could have made this game a late season snow bowl, but instead decided to continue the Pussyfication© of America and turn this into a late summer contest. Way to pander to the pansies schedule makers. Go sit on a crankshaft.

The slate of games this week has plenty of Division-3 matches. Raiders and Dolphins, Chiefs at Bills, Foreskins at Rams, and Vikings at Colts. I generally advise against watching this type of garbage unless absolutely necessary. Should you live in one of these zones of America, and would rather kill your brain cells in a manner that’s more lively than watching these teams play, I’ve invented the ‘Better Intoxication for Terrible Contests Handbook’, or the B.I.T.C.H.

It’s really simple, and bound to send even the most dedicated 6th year frat boy to his early grave. Proceed as follows. Disclaimer: I am not responsible if your fragile soul can’t handle a little bit of alcohol, pansy. Know your limits and stick to your wine coolers if you can’t hang with the big dongs.

For every incompletion, drink half a beer.

For every three and out, a glass of wine (stay classy!)

For every dropped pass, shotgun a beer can.

For Interceptions or Fumbles, down a shot of anything over 100 Proof.

Any defensive scoring play, consume one quart of High Octane gasoline

For each missed field goal, a shot of equal parts whiskey and franks red hot.

A missed extra point: a minimum 5 second chug off of any hard liquor bottle.

And for every failed challenge, two bong rips.

If all goes well, you should be unconscious by halftime, therefore no longer subject to further exposure to horrible football. I hate all these teams for sucking and they stank.

Plenty of one sided matchups too, such as Cardinals at Pats, Taints at Panthers, Buccaneers at Giants. Don’t bother watching these unless you’ve invested some gold in gambling. NFC fodder taking on teams that have made the last few super bowls. Not really worth your time.

Only two other matchups actually garner a reaction out of me. The first being our most hated and stanky rivals, The Faultimore Ravens at the Philly Eagles. I am rooting for the meteor on this one, but would love nothing more than to see the Eagles work on their future 8-8 record in this game. Rooting for the Eagles to beat the Ravens is like hoping for the douchebag at work to get a promotion just because you HATE the guy that is probably going to get it. You’d rather work under the douche that you can manage than the egomaniacal taint taster son of a bitch. Neither situation is ideal, but I’ll take it. If the Ravens drop one of their early games, it would be fantastic news for the Stillers. Make no mistake, Flacco’s throwgasm last week was him busting his little nuts way too early. They were playing the Bengals, who have never been able to put two decent seasons together in their history. Weak at LB, their O-line falling apart at the seams, and losing key players means they’ll start to suck hard. I’m hoping for a return to misery for the Ratbirds. Ray Rice will still have like 3000 all purpose yards, and that’s about it. Don’t expect much else. They’ll put up a fight for sure, but these rat droppings will find themselves on the losing end of Ray Lewis aging knife hand.

One of my favorite games you can get is a good ole fashioned Mediocrity Bowl. This week, the Ten’Teeth Titans take on the Whale’s Vagina Chargers on the west coast. Here are two teams, destined for 8-8, fighting hard to get there. It’s like the Asian runners pushing hard for 6th place in the Olympics, while the Jamaican is already lighting up his doobie on the winners podium with his ridiculous record breaking speed. There’s no chance either of these teams actually DO anything decent this year, but they’ll find a way to shit on somebody else’s parade and squeak into the middle of the pack. These games have a way of being compellingly terrible and yet interesting, like a tiny car accident that you still have to slow down and check out.

Speaking of which, I get really pissed when people block the road without some serious damage. Somebody better be maimed or something needs to be on fire, or I want an object upside down. SOMETHING. Fender benders that turn into two lane blockages like a hairball in a cats ass make me want to pull my car over and shoot the two retards involved.

So folks, it’s clear to me that we need to improve the level of hate distribution this year. I’ve decided to take things to the next level. We must unite as a hateful nation. In an effort to provide you with the most hatey hate available, at the moment you most need it, I’ve set up shop on the Tweetermachine. I’ve resisted using this thing, as I’ve considered it a time consuming, ADD creating waste of my time that serves only to further reduce humanity’s ability to spell. As much as I hate Twitter and it stanks, I recognize its usefulness for hate.

Imagine a hateful thought arriving at your mobile device, just when you’re running out of hate in the waning moments of the 4th quarter. Perhaps with more hate, Ben executes a flawless TD drive last week instead of a pick 6. Or simply during your day to day, a violent angry tongue-lashing can appear in your tweet rectangle, providing you with the necessary furor to continue your brutal routine.

This is now a reality. Simply add me on Twitter, @hatingtheleague. I’ll provide live, in game hate, as well as periodic hate. I have plenty to go around, and sometimes it just wells up inside me like a volcano ready to erupt. Rather than go Vesuvius on my friends and co-workers, I’ll pass the hate along to you my loyal companions.

But fans alone do not control a game. My request to you, fellow haters of the nation, is to pass along the links of my hate guides to the NFL players who need it most, be they on the receiving end, or the strap-on wearing violating end of my hate stick. This includes our very own Steelers. Bring the hate into the locker room, and watch it appear on the field. United in Hate We Stand!!!


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