Steelers at Jets
I like to eat liver. James Harrison also likes to eat liver. Sanchez’s. Steelers by 20.
Redskins at Rams
Darth Fisher: "Aren’t you a little short for a quarterback?"
RG3PO: "Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Shannahan, and a powerful ally he is."
Redskins by 12.
Cardinals at Patriots
Wisenhunt shocks the Patriots and takes a dump in Belichick’s hoodie, much improving its smell. Cards by 5.
Cowboys at Seahawks
Jerry Jones has had more plastic surgery than Octomom. Hers is better. Cowboys by 10.
Bears at Packers
Lovie, Lovie me do.
You know, I love you.
And Urlacher too.
So please, ee-ee-ease,
Beat the Packers into Poo.
Bears by 8.
Browns at Bengals
If you multiply the number of Ohio team Super Bowl trophies by 10,000,000, you’d still have zero. Bengals by who-gives-a-damn.
Vikings at Colts
Have you seen Andrew Luck’s offensive line? Neither has he. Vikings by 10.
Saints at Panthers
Dear Drew Brees: Please run the ball more than ten times. Sincerely, Sean Payton.
P.S. 10K for taking out Cam Newton.
Chiefs at Bills
Nobody cares. Line off.
Texans at Jaguars
Texas is still a state? Damn it! Texans by 14.
Raiders at Dolphins
Can Carson Palmer still throw an NFL pass? Neither can Ryan Tannehill. Raiders by 6.
Buccaneers at Giants
Victor Cruz finds the Stickum. Captain Jack Sparrow couldn’t save the Bucs this week. Giants by 14.
Ravens at Eagles
I shared a kennel at the Washington Animal Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Ravens by 456,222.
Titans at Chargers
Date the Norv, don’t marry him. Titans by 4.
Lions at 49ers
Grudge match. Jim Harbaugh brings a gun, but Jim Schwartz brings former Lion, Mongo. Guns only make Mongo mad. Lions by 3.
Broncos at Falcons
John Elway looks like Mr. Ed. Peyton Manning looks like Mr. Ed. Wow, Mr. Ed got around. Broncos by 10.