FanPost

Your Week 3 Hate Guide

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Your Week 3 Hate Guide

Ahh, basking in the glory of Hate feels so delightful. Hate provided a decisive week 2 for the Steelers of Pittsburgh. Not limiting its bounteous benefits to us, Hate also vanquished the Ratbirds and the most stanky Patriots on their vile home turf.

No doubt, constant doses of hate are more effective than a single massive dose. Last week’s hate guide was hearty to say the least, and it brought results. But the unsung addition to last week’s hatred was the use of the Twitterater thingy to provide a steady IV drip of hate to our insatiable allies. Follow your fearless hater leader @hatingtheleague in order to receive your timely dosage of Hate. Remember, don’t take hate on an empty stomach, and do not take hate if you take nitrates for chest pain or blood pressure, as this could cause an unsafe elevation in blood pressure, erupting your arteries in a fountain of blood that will result in your death.

Speaking of warnings, proceed with caution. Hate is not recommended for vegetarians, hippies, people with hyphenated last names, toddlers, people at work, and people sensitive to anything. Be advised that the hate guide contains language that will offend at least one person weekly, if you think you might be that one person, please refrain from reading on.

Pointing my hate spear (that’s also what I call my dong) forward, let’s charge into week 3.

This week, we venture into the great black hole to take on the Chokeland Gayders. Like a fine vintage wine, hate is also more delicious when left to age and ripen. Our hate with the Raiders of the lost asshole goes back many a decade. It’s a damn good thing it does too, because the Raiders have literally been a Dane Cook joke over the last 30 some odd years: Not funny, not entertaining, and generally shitty and pointless.

Now that Al Davis has finally returned to the crypt until the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse release him, the Raiders are full of hope. Whereas their former hope was simply praying for a man to die and release them from torment and captivity, they now believe they can actually win games. To that end, they’ve returned to their stanky roots with some guy named Dennis Allen, who doesn’t even have a picture on his Wikipedia page. The idea being that instead of simply using offensive minded coaches who beat their wives like Tom Cable, they’ll go back to using a defensive coach, much as they did with the Father of Morbidly Obese Coaching, John Madden.

I’d like to remind everyone of one very simple fact: The Raiders are a god awful team. Regardless of who comes to coach it, there are some things that cannot be changed, at least not for now. The wretched shittiness of the Raiders is one of them. Al Davis’s draft strategy was basically to find the fastest black guys in the draft, and draft them way too damn high. This would be an adequate strategy if you were trying to build a 100m sprint team, or a team of ‘Tag’ players, or a team of delinquents that needed to run away from the PO-lice, or an extremely efficient group of door knocking Jehovah’s Witnesses. A professional football team however is not built by skinny dudes that run a 4.3 forty time.

I suppose it’s just as well that they literally traded their entire future for a washed up Carson ‘Uses his Palm’er to try and get the limp dick that is their team into an erect state. Flaccidity continues to be a problem. Trading for Carson Palmer is like buying a used condom. It’s no good to anyone anymore, it’s already had plenty of wear and tear, and chances are you’re just gonna get sick and die. I’d love to see Woodley claim Palmer’s other ACL, and use it to floss his teeth in order to pick out the scraps of Palmer meat.

I can’t write about the Raiders without commenting on the pathetic pile of putrid pus that is their stadium. First of all, if you still have to share a stadium with a baseball team, I hate you and you Stank. This is the year 2012, the world is supposed to end this GD year and you’re gonna experience the final moments of civilization running on a dirt patch. This stadium simply reeks of 3rd world poverty, and reminds you why the Raiders are such lowlife garbage. However, it is a fitting place for their crowd. It is called ‘The Black Hole’. An appropriate name, given that when viewed from above it resembles a big black asshole. During the game, gaze upon the bottom-of-the-barrel cave-dwelling mouth-breathing food-stamp-using retards who think it’s Halloween every weekend. One glance at the fans in the stands will instantly make you feel 10 times better about your lot in life.

Seriously, you could run over my dog with a steamroller, take all the alcohol out of my house, curse me with Herpes, and punch my mom in the face, all during an earthquake, and I could still look at a Raiders fan and feel ok about myself. The Raiders are like that really retarded kid from school who drooled on himself and couldn’t form sentences. You really DO have to feel bad for him. Regular stupid people are just annoying and you tend to block out whatever they say. But with the Raiders, it’s impossible NOT to notice their severe level of degraded mental function.

What confuses me even more than the degenerates that sit inside the Black Hole, is the location of the Black Hole itself. Fitting that a stadium named after an asshole would be located on the ass of California. How in Tebow’s green earth did the NFL get a team here? The 8th largest city in the state has some of the worst crime rates in the country. Take away the other two major Californian cities with football teams, and you still could have another 5 places to choose from. All of them would be better, and more lucrative, and less likely to result in your car being put on cinder blocks while you attend a miserable game with a horrible team. Leave it up to Oakland to find a way to expose their disgusting nature to the world with their pitiful football team aired on national television.

And what has Oakland given us? Absolutely nothing. Their most notable contribution to humanity? Pandora radio, the world’s greatest internet let-down. What seems like the most awesome idea turns into a looping list of 10 songs that will drive you crazy after two hours of listening. Ugh, seriously NOTHING GOOD COMES OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE!!! Fact: The only thing that comes out of an asshole is shit, and that asshole is Oakland, its shit is the Raiders.

Need one more reason to hate Oakland? Just take a look at its sister cities. Clearly Al Davis aligned the city with the Axis of Evil. With Sister cities in Russia, Cuba, Vietnam, China, and Japan, it’s 100% plain to see that Oakland is an enemy to America. Siding with communists is unacceptable by my standards. Figures the whole city voted for our current Communist supreme dictator who wants to tear down America brick by golden brick. Oakland, you’ve been declared an enemy of the most awesome country ever invented, and for that you shall be condemned to a life of eternal hate. My hate for Oakland will pour out like free coffee at Denny’s: All day, every day, as much as you can handle. God I hope an Earthquake levels this piece of crap city just before we fly in.

Barring that miraculous act of science, the chosen Pittsburgh Steelers will venture into the Black hole with an Iron Fist. May they insert their mighty arm into the gaping anus of Oakland and rip out its insides. I yearn for the Raiders to be buried in the graveyard that they play in, and I hope every one of their players gets tackled in dirt, irritating their eyes and causing extreme discomfort. I want to see LaMarr Woodley break Carson Palmer in half. I want Ryan Clark to knock D-Mac unconscious. If the Raiders had other players whose names I could remember, I would also wish unfortunate outcomes upon them, but literally I would have to spend time researching this pathetic excuse for a team in order to cast more hate upon them. I’m sure most of the players already hate their lives enough, and will likely be on suicide watch by the end of the week.

The Steelers will ravage this Black Hole like a hard-core porno, and I can’t wait for Charlie Batch to be taking snaps in the 4th quarter. I hate the Raiders, they stank like the piles of feces that they are, and we’re gonna tear them a new one, and Tomlin is going to continue channeling Ric Flair. WOOOOOO!! Let’s go Black and GOLD!

As for the rest of the league, hardly any matchups draw my ire. But there is one, oh yes indeed there is the one. Only one game could generate such an outpouring of hate that I bleed from my eye sockets. That game is the matchup between the Filthy dirty whining bitch Ravens and the cuntmunching cheatin douchemonger Patriots.

If there is one game for which I demand an outbreak of Rage Virus, it’s Pats Ravens. The beautiful thing is, for once, regardless of the outcome, our Steelers will have a better record than one of these pieces of Monkey-AIDS-Infected shits.

The Ravens as usual busted their nut in week one and then found themselves in a prolonged refractory period in week 2. They got beat by a team that has committed 8 turnovers in 2 weeks, a team that barely was able to beat the Cleveland Browns, the lowliest of all teams. But of course, when they lose it’s not their fault. You see, the refs are ‘Affecting the integrity of the game’, so says ‘Elite QB Joe Flacco’.

There are three things that affect the integrity of the game, three things which I hate more than any other thing under the glorious light of the sun.

1. Roger Goodell. No man has singlehandedly violated the integrity of the game like this powertripping asshat who insists on ruining the football we loved and held dear. He’s like a super douche that bangs your smoking hot wife and mother of 4 children to whom you’ve been married for 25 years. Only he doesn’t stop there, he texts you after he’s done: ‘LOL your wife sux in bed ROFL weak head flabby labia haha did you a favor bra..’ He should immediately be sent on a one way trip to the sun.

2. The Cheating Patriots of New England. While I could write an entire hate guide on the Pats (and I have), I’ll take this opportunity to remind you of why they’re another grand infraction on the integrity of the game. They cheated, which I hate and stanks. Nothing ruins the integrity of the game more than cheating. Belicheater should be quartered by four horses in the middle of Gillette Stadium, but of course his long time butt buddy and fellow member of the Communist Party of Russia, the aforementioned Roger Goodell, aided him in the worst cover up since Watergate. Together, these two have bent the game over and pounded it in its pooter, leaving no doubt as to who REALLY cares about the integrity of the game. Integrity is a word that neither of these jagoffs understand, they have about as much of it as Tom Brady does natural hair.

3. And finally, the Baltiwhore Ratbirds. Who else could infringe upon the integrity of the game more than these mongrels? Murder conspirator and criminal turned false messenger of the lord? Check. Douchebag coach who whines and pisses and moans about every god damn penalty flag thrown? Check. ‘Quarterback’ that cries and throws hissy fits when people don’t acknowledge him like a spoiled only child? Check. Ugly ass linebacker whose gums resemble the interior of an overused vagina? Discount Double Check. Speaking of which, if I see that commercial one more time I will burn down every State Farm office I can find.

Therefore it’s only fitting that when all three of these forces of evil unite, a tragedy should befall them. I can only pray to science that a batch of angry muslims will get pissed off about some stupid youtube movie that some retard made in his garage with a green screen and detonate a thermonuclear device in the vicinity of the Ravens stadium, leveling it and all its putrid partakers to the ground and incinerating every inch of Baltimore into ashes and melted flesh. I hate these bastards and they stank harder than a diarrhea covered dog. I long for a 3-3 tie to be called in the 2nd quarter due to lack of players as well placed terrrist snipers pick off Ravens and Patriots one by one on the field. What a glorious day it would be.

There’s your hate for week 3. May the Hate bring us closer to the ultimate prize, a shiny silver Lombardi Trophy. And may it deliver to us the heads of all of our opponents, carefully placed upon pikes. Carry on my Pittsburgh Steelers, there will be peace when you are done ravaging your enemies like a horde of Mongolian warriors.

Remember to get your regular dose of hate, @hatingtheleague on the birdy messenger thing. In game hate is brought to you by Alcohol! Alcohol, making poor decisions and improving shitty situations since 4000 BCE.




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