FanPost

Your Bye Week Hate Guide


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Your Bye Week Hate Guide

Ah, the new BTSC format. I’m liking it although it’ll definitely take some getting used to. Changing your web design is a lot like changing your girlfriend. When you leave the first one, you still have fresh fond memories of the good times. But once you get in bed with that hot new thing down the street, you realize there were things about the last girl that you just couldn’t stand.

Although my only complaint with the layout is the lack of a HATE button that links you directly here. But I digress..

I’m going to jump right into the swimming pool of viscous vitriol like an Olympic diver about the win the gold silver and bronze all at once. So I’ll keep the disclaimer short and sweet this week: Can’t take the heat? Stay out of the kitchen.

And remember to follow me on Twitter for in game hate and other profanity laced anger tweeting. Find me @hatingtheleague.

I must start by stating the obvious: it’s the bye week. The bye week is a fickle bitch mistress. After a win, she puts out nothing but good loving for 14 days. But after a loss, she’s as cold as an alaskan’s nutsack. It burns like a bad case of Chlamydia this week. Last week’s loss to the lowly Oakland Raiders left me especially upset.

And so I’m going to take just a few thousand words to let off some hate regarding last week. Hate is hate, regardless of what it’s about. It’s hate that we’re here for and it’s hate we’re gonna get.

First of all, this game in no way shape or form concerns me for the rest of the season. I literally view this game as an isolated bizarre incident in NFL history that occurs once in a while much like a full solar eclipse. Ben Roethlisberger looked downright unstoppable and epic on this Sunday. He’s unbelievably good this season. And oddly Haley’s ineffective run game does seem to serve some veiled purpose.

And I’m not mad at the defense for failing to stop the Raiders. They gave up a ton of points, but I wouldn’t say it was all their fault. They were constantly given short fields to defend.

Tomlin coached a hell of a game also. Going for it on 4th down on your own 29 is just the biggest display of balls ever. Tomlin literally reached down and pulled out two bowling balls out of his burlap ballsack and slammed them on the field. I loved this, and Tomlin earned some serious points with me for realizing his defense wasn’t going to stop shit.

No, my hate gets directed to a few select men. Starting with everybody who fumbled the GD ball. Brown did it not once but twice, which is just outright unacceptable and a display of rare mental retardation from an otherwise distinguished player. But apparently the entire offense had a big ole gang bang orgy with eachother and passed FumbleAIDS on to at least half the people in uniform. FumbleAIDS was first brought to the team by Rashard Mendenall, who was the forefather of carrying the ball like a loaf of bread while gyrating around like an ecstasy-laden rave goer on a merry-go-round. Fortunately, I have a cure for FumbleAIDS.

Give the player with the FumbleAIDS a bomb. This bomb must constantly be squeezed in order to not go off. The player can’t let go of it or he will explode into a thousand pieces. Fumble problem solved.

But now it is time that I get to a topic that’s been on the minds of everyone. The Replacement Refs. Abraham Lincoln’s top hat they are terrible. I’ve done my best to be supportive and nice, but I’ve had enough. This really is getting out of hand. I mean these guys are other worldly bad. It’s worse than if you took a 3rd degree burn victim, dressed her up in MC Hammer’s pants, Peewee Herman’s suit, hung Flava Flav’s clock on her neck, and put a British fuzzy palace police hat on, and then asked her to go get a job as a fashion designer. Now look, I tend to hate everything. It all stanks at one point or another and needs a good worshin. I’ve been pretty kind to the officials over the years; save for an extremely bad blown call I rarely rag on the refs.

But Kate Upton’s tits last week was the grandest abomination ever. The hate can no longer be contained inside me. It must be unleashed.

What happened in the Green Bay Seattle game, or as it shall forever be known: The Day the Cheese Stood Still, should result in the public hanging of everyone involved. I know the replacement refs aren’t truly the ones at fault here. I get that. But still how in the hell do you not just take a minute and make the right call? What’s the hurry to signal TD? Take a second and get it right. And the phantom PI calls are just unreal. I honestly think every single one of these refs needs to call 1-800-Contacts. The NFL should sign a deal with them.

Sheeatle’s place is at the bottom of the standings bitching about a few lame calls in the 2005 Super Bowl. They had been there for 7 friggin years and now they can’t. I’ll miss drinking their tears out of my tiny cognac glass. And while I hope the nearly Canadian Packers melt like cheese on my great American hamburger of Justice, I’d still rather see the Seahawks wallow in self pity like a mopey emo kid forever. Make like the emo kid and just do it already, don’t cross the street, go DOWN it.

The ref’s unparalleled ineptitude did not only affect Seattle. We absolutely were on the bad end of the calls last week. Oakland had no penalties until the 3rd quarter onside kick, which isn’t really a penalty so much as it’s just a technical thing. Then two false starts, also technical issues. Not a single judgment call until the 4th quarter. This is obviously a horseshit biased ref at work. The Raiders of the Lost Yards are the most penalized team in the league, and have been for a while. Don’t tell me that all of a sudden they’d convert to Mormanism and never do anything bad again. I declare shenanigans of the highest order. Scab refs, get the fuck out of town! We just found out that a ref was discovered to be a Saints fan, and was going to ref the game. Now they pulled him off duty, but that’s just because he was found out. How many of these guys do you think are corrupt? I’m guessing a lot.

I’m actually considering this as a serious possibility just for the record. I’m not saying games are fixed for money, nor do I believe that they’re under Goodell’s command. No no, such conspiracies would be far too complex to actually be real. It’s like the people that think the US Government made 9/11 happen. First of all, when you say that you shit on the lives of thousands of good people that died on that say, so go F yourself with a rusty nail. Secondly, have you SEEN our government lately? When was the last time they did ANYTHING efficiently? When in your lifetime have they just astounded you with their precision and excellence? Fucking NEVER! Go to a DMV some time and tell me that it’s an enjoyable experience. Maybe if you’re high off your ass on LSD it is.

So ruling out that possibility, I simply feel the refs are embracing their inner narcissists and having fun with their job. It makes total sense after all. These guys aren’t going to keep doing this job forever. It’s clear they suck at keeping up with this game’s speed and they know they aren’t doing it well. I feel for them there. I’m sure they knew they were screwed in the poop chute the minute they took the job. But they’re making some money and temporarily have a chance to actually be seen on TV. Furthermore, tzhis is their one shot to influence something that actually is worth a damn in the minds of the American. So why WOULDN’T one of these dudes make some calls for his favorite team? Why not be the man who helps them win? After all, what’s the worst that can happen? You get fired? You were going to be fired in a few weeks anyway.

It’s like when we’re about to quit a job. We dick around the office and steal shit do we not? Wait, you don’t? Nobody told me.. shit. Last job I quit I came to work in flip flops and drank everything in the fridge that didn’t belong to me, followed by a high powered deuce drop that would have made Duce Staley blush. Did it in the tank too, nothing like a good upper decker to leave the ex boss. Capped it off by flirting with a coworker and dropping a mic that I brought with me as I walked out. But that’s me. Anyway point is refs are not only screwing up, they’re supporting teams out of fandom.

And they get extra hate this week for what they did in Baltimore. The God damn filthy stankin ratbirds covered in burning dog shit and left to rot in the sun last week they stank so horribly. I hate em and they stank. Did I mention they stank? GAHAHHHAHA!!! Could a week go any less our way? Who do we have to thank for this dead hooker of a situation? None other than los árbitros de segunda”.

For those who didn’t know, and if not you are clearly not following me on twitter @hatingtheleague, the Ravens got a chance to kick a game winner. The first kick went through but it was expertly iced like a boss. The second however went hard right and straight up over the upright.

Before I continue, I’d like to mention that the subsequent topic has been frequently ranted upon by Adam Carolla, on his daily podcast, which is amazing and receives the Mechem Hate Stamp of Approval. This award has not been bestowed upon many things. But that podcast is awesome, please subscribe on itunes.

Anyway Adam has ranted about something that I have also noticed, but never cared about until now. The goalposts are not tall enough. Kickers routinely boot the ball over the uprights. Sometimes, much like in this Baltimore case, a kick goes over immediately above the post. It’s nearly impossible to tell if the kick would have gone in or out. And of course the call is not reviewable, which is the most illogical thing ever.

This is a league that just recently proposed a retarded time-consuming challenge-devaluing rule where every single f’ing TD is reviewed. Yet a GD field goal can’t be reviewed, despite the presence of a large blimp above every stadium. Bullshit pancakes I say.

Baltimore’s kick I’m convinced would have gone out. It’s going hard to the right, and looks to be flying at the center of the would-be post. If the kick had come from the right, I would have said it’d go in. But coming from a sharp left angle, I think it would have hit and flopped out. Anyway the scrub refs raised their hands both literally and metaphorically right up our assholes and put us a game behind the Ratbirds.

And so that timely leads into our hate for the week. The Ratbirds get a short week and a cupcake opponent to boot. Once again the schedule maker takes a big honkin steamer on our tits. The Cleveland Browns travel to the Ravens home turf. We can now only pray that Cleveland bails us out like the US bails out failed businesses. Cleveland occasionally transfers their epic stank and putridity to the other team, much like they did against New England and the Saints in 2010 (I think it was). While it pains me to say it, Go Browns for one week. Once again, the meteor is a good choice to cheer for in this game.

I hope the Redcoats die this week for failing to beat the Ravens. Although I had hoped that both teams would be suddenly attacked by giant earth worms that would burst forth from the turf and devour both teams alive in a bloody savage mess, I’m now extremely pissed at New England for not doing us a solid.

New England, if there is one team you owe a good night of hookers and blow to, it’s us. You cheated us out of so much joy and happiness that the least you could do is make sure Baltimore goes 1-2. But noooo. Just couldn’t do that could you? You seriously let Joe Flacco carve you up all the way down the field, on the sidelines no less, on a less than 2 minute drive. Absolutely sickening. Go smoke a cigarette next to an open gas line you smug no-defense-havin hoodie-wearin douche-posing shit-eatin-grin-havin sorry excuse for a football team. God I hate this team more and more every week.

The 69ers play the Jizz Eating Testicle Slurpers or JETS this week. This is probably the only half decent matchup on at 1 PM this week. It features the two most average QBs in the league. It’s like the average of all average games. This game will neither meet nor beat your expectations. It will simultaneously entertain and disappoint you. It will feel like a grand waste of time afterwards. Combining Alex Smith and Mark Sanchez is like making a cocktail of water and carbonated water. Pretty much the same shit. Hell you could rearrange the names of these two nondescript inept piles of crap and still think of the same thing. Alex Sanchez and Mark Smith would be exactly the same QBs you expect from the current ones.

Otherwise, you’ll just have to keep drinking hard until you get to 4 PM, where something of remote interest appears. The Fudge Packers and Taints square off in the afternoon. After Sean Payton got banhammered like an anti-soviet journalist in Moscow, the Taints have become extremely stanky and swampy. I’d love to see them rob a win from the Packers, giving both the teams shitty records. This is pretty much par for the course for the NFC, which has a different champion every year, and rarely has a repeat in there save for the Giants now. I wouldn’t expect either of these teams to make it.

There isn’t much else to talk about this week. I would recommend hate scouting the Eagles this week. Look for any potential hateable things that we can use to undermine their fortitude and lead them down a path into hell when they set talon into Heinz Field next week. Tweet me your Hate kindlings and I’ll see if I can’t elaboHate™ on them.

In the meantime, hate hard and aim to propel the Steelers up in the standings while we restore our hate tanks to full. Our hate capacity has been without its spiritual on the field leader. Harrison will return and replenish us with his hateful attitude. Polamalu will swarm all over Michael Vick like a pitbull on a chew toy. Ben will continue peckerslaping dudes with his gray wang. And all will be right in the world. We’ve started 1-2 before and done just fine.

So for now, hate on fellow members of the Nation. Have something hateful to say? Tweet me and get my hatified feedback!



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