FanPost

Your Week 1 Hate Guide: 2012


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Your week 1 hate guide:

Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2012 season of Red White and Blue American NFL football is upon us. It is a glorious time. A time for screaming at the TV and excessive consumption of beer. A time to celebrate in the defeat of our opponents. A time to revel in the most powerful substance on the earth: HATE.

Though I shouldn’t have to remind you, as you are all validated disciples of Hate, HATE enables us to render so much more punishment to our enemy. Imagine if our soldiers in WW2 hadn’t hated the Nazis. Think we would have won? Think that if Martin Luther King didn’t hate discrimination that Obama would be president? He’d be harvesting hash in Hawaii. Do you believe for a second that if Goodell didn’t hate all life on earth that he’d still be the commish? His iron fist, though often elbow-deep in our rectums is admirable.

Hate will bring us the ultimate prize this year: The death and torment of our competitors. It is my goal to guide us down the path of Hate. We shall hate with vicious unbridled fury capable of tearing holes in brick walls with high levels of profanity. Our angry cries will make replacement refs wither and weep on the battlegrounds. Our hate will fix Harrison’s bum knee, which is currently being hated by Goodell so much that it refuses to heal.

It is time for week 1 of the NFL season. And so we must be prepared. Without further ado, your week 1 hate guide. Be advised, the contents of this article may inflame and offend your core. Should you consider yourself bold enough to press on into this bath of pain, know that you are welcome to hate in unison with us. For the rest of feebler constitutions, I recommend you spare yourself the profane and heinous speech and thoughtage below.

Our victim this week: The Dirty Denver Dildos.

Lord almighty, I hate the Denver Butt-nuggets and they STANK. This team ALWAYS seems to find a way to ruin my day. Perhaps our hate wears thin in the high altitude. There’s something about playing against Denver that makes me feel uneasy. Strange things happen when these two teams meet. I recall Hines Ward’s bizarre goal-line fumble, mere milliinches from the white mark. I remember Javon Walker butt raping us with rusty pliers to the tune of 200 gajillion yards. Yet nothing burns a fire in my soul like the time the farm-sex-loving horse suckers led by a pious pussy ravaged our defense like a drunken prom queen.

Just thinking about our last meaningful game brings an array of disgusting emotions into my very being. The thought of Timothy Teboner giving us the reaming of a lifetime in the fourth quarter makes me want to projectile vomit a hole in the wall. The fact that Denver brought Tebow into this world, and then utilized his false diety powers to silence us, will never go forgotten. Denver has made its way onto my Permanent Shit List of Shame. Joined by the likes of the Cowgirls, Cheatriots, Bungholes, Heaveland Clowns, Purple Browns, the TSA, Al-Qaeda, The Kardashians, and Tom Brady’s complete family tree, this is a list of things that deserve to be burnt on a lower-case T. Denver has crossed the line, and there’s no going back.

As if their previous sins were not foul enough, they had to go and one up their own asshole. Replacing one of the most aggravating and horrific beings on the planet with the other. It’s almost as if the Broncos asked themselves ‘What QB could we get that would make more people want to impale themselves on a pole?’ I’m amazed Favre isn’t backing up the recently rebuilt Taint n' Cramming.

Now I hate Tom Brady and he stanks. I hate Tim Tebow and he stanks too. But the hate I have for Peyton is unique. I hate him for many on the field reasons, whereas the others are more off the field based, and because they’re evil cuntsniffers who deserve death by a thousand cuts. But with Peyton, it’s all football. The excessive hand gestures that make him resemble a tard baby trying to signal in a US Air Force strike on Vietnam for one. He reminds me of a dumber version of Forrest Gump trying to fly off the roof of a barn by just flapping his arms.

Then there’s the constant bukkake of attention from every announcer to ever announce an announcement. It’s like the world’s largest gay swingers meetup every time you see this fossil of a QB playing the game. That’s the part I dread most on Sunday. I guarantee Ben could throw for 400 yards and Peyton’s jizm would still be on the lips of every douchemaster commentator within 1000 miles. No matter how terrible he plays on Sunday, he’ll get a free pass. Peyton has never ONCE been held accountable for a loss. Hell, not even an interception. Barely even incompletions. If something goes wrong, it clearly must have been the fault of one of the other 10 people on offense. Peyton commits no foul, cry his supporters. A bad route it must have been. Errant wind disrupted the pass. The O-line failed to provide support for Peytons silver spooned ass cheeks.

Off the field, there’s never been much to talk about. I’m convinced that Peyton is basically a terminator in disguise, and recharges his batteries and updates his playbook via the USB port on the coach’s PC. One thing that I hate though is a terminator-football-human bot who doesn’t know when to call it quits. Favre comes to mind. There should be a rule that the NFL can take you out back Old Yeller style and put a slug in your brain once you’ve overstayed your welcome. Instead, The World’s Largest Forehead goes to Europe to get those fancy stem cells put in his neck. First of all, that’s got to be a substance abuse policy violation. A guy can’t drink a redbull with a multi-vitamin without a 4 game suspension from the Fuhrer, but Manning can just go chug some magic cells? I declare shenanigans. This fancy medicine bullshit is a coverup for some serious steroid use. NeckRoids are definitely illegal.

And what’s with this going to Europe BS? Thanks for taking all your 1% money and sending it to the land of hippie lazy good-for-nothing no-working year-long-vacation-takin Europeans. Basically you just slapped America in the face with your surgically repaired neck. The statue of liberty would be ashamed of your treasonous actions Peyton. You xenophile piece of horseshoe shit dingleberry. Damn ye and your black magic witchcraft from the country where Gypsies reside! Way to just screw a bunch of hard workin Mercans out of work. I hope Obama gets elected just so Peyton has to pay more taxes.

Then I hope they take all his money and leave him in a dumpster where he’ll be urinated on by the homeless and accidentally incinerated in a terrible smoking accident. Peyton refuses to accept nature and America and just quit. He won’t go away, he won’t die.

Unless of course the Steel Curtain can come crashing down on his neck like an anvil on Wile E. Coyote. Oh the joy I would experience should James Harrison take the field and sever the giant fetus shaped head from its robotic and paganly repaired neck. Nothing sounds more fantastic. Given the amount of time our team has had to fill its hate tank, anything is possible. A full on Kill Bill style dismembering with blood gushing to the rafters would be a treat. Anything to decapitate the Manning.

The rest of the team deserves to get shoved into a PortaPotty and flipped over numerous times. Their offenses against Steeler nation cannot go unpunished. We must right the wrongs that Denver has done. Only by uniting in hatred can we achieve this lofty goal.

Bring the hate on Sunday. Let the entire earth rattle with the voices of thousands, nay, MILLIONS of angry Pittsburghers. Surely we’ll dominate the stadium up there, as most of the pathetic denizens of Denver are too busy mountain biking or swimming up a stream or doing some other homoerotic activity outside. How anybody could enjoy such a low level of oxygen is beyond me. Clearly it has negative effects on the mental health of Denvenereals. And it also tries to kill Ryan Clark every time he sets foot up there.

If Goodell were so concerned for player safety, he would sink Denver into the ground by about another 5000 feet. Ryan Clark has the black people’s blood problem. Many of the other players in the league also have black people’s blood. Chances are others will nearly die up there. It’s only a matter of time. Once ONE person has suffered, we have to change everything. At least that’s what the lawyers say. Why haven’t the lawyers fixed this one? Because Goodell kills puppies with his bare hands on Sunday morning inside a church while standing on the elderly’s weak backs.

Denver will fry on Sunday for their crimes against the Steelers, and American Africans around the world. We’ll wipe the hippie smirk from their fans ugly altitude altered faces and bury Peyton Manning in the ground after putting him in a barrel of Hydrochloric Acid. The stadium will rock with chants of Here We Go Steelers, and the wind created from our towels will swallow Denver whole in a whirlwind of fury. May Harrison drink the blood of his enemies’ eye sockets. May Polamalu bless and then subsequently curse every play with his epictude. Let Isaac Redman call the four horsemen of the apocalypse to rain fire down upon Mile High.

Bring your hate, and bring your towels. Week 1 has arrived.



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