Conspiracy Theory

A friend of mine works for the CIA. He intercepted the following telephone conversation and sent it to me. I transcribed it for your reading pleasure.

A cell phone rings

Big Ben (BB): Yo Romo, whaz up? Great job the other night.

Romo (R): (Giggling), Yea I know. I took a lesson from your play book. But I had to throw three interceptions.

BB: I saw that, not bad. I particularly loved the "Agony of Defeat" look. It was great. Better than mine.

Romo: Thanks, so how is this supposed to work?

BB: Let me call Rog (Goodell). He can explain it better than anyone.

Goodell’s phone rings

Goodell: Yea Benny.

BB: I got you on a conference call with Romo.

Goodell: Awesome. Great job the other night Romo. Three of them and no one could tell the difference. Not like that O’Donnell idiot back in ’95.

Romo: You mean he did the same thing? Wow.

Goodell: That’s right but he almost blew our cover. Ben’s got it down pat and you are not that bad yourself.

Romo: So what happens now?

Goodell: At exactly 1600 hrs on Thursday, a man will leave a briefcase on your porch. Everything in it is yours, a cool 500K in cash.

Romo: Holy Smokes! Where do you get that kind of cash?

Goodell: Fines against players for late hits and such. Oh yea, and the United Way too.

Romo: So that is where the fine money goes, I never knew. I thought it went to charity.

BB and Goodell: (Laughing) Charity, yea right, that’s a good one.

Romo: And did you say the United Way?

Goodell: That’s correct. It’s the NFL charity. For some reason, people think the United Way gives to children and the needy but it really is a charity for needy NFL football players like you and Benny. Think about it for a second. Do you know anyone who has received money from the United Way?

Romo: Golly geez, I don’t think so.

Goodell: That’s right; it’s all funneled to us. Every once and a while we will sprinkle a few bucks to some school or sick kid but most of it is for us. We’re going to need it when the head injury lawsuits hit us.

BB: It blew my mind when I first got involved.

Romo: When did you get involved?

BB: In the Superbowl with GB. Myself and Mendie.

Romo: No way.

BB: Way.

Goodell: Yea, and he has done a good job ever since. But don’t get greedy. New Orleans wanted to win another Superbowl and I put a stop to that with their bounty-gate scandal.

Romo: Suffering succotash. So what does this mean? Do you control the outcome of the entire season?

Goodell: Not exactly. I just like to spread the wealth and get more money. Look at how many rookie quarterbacks are in the playoffs. That is great for ratings and rating means money.

BB: Yea, they sent a "Cooler" to help us out.

Romo: What’s a "Cooler"?

BB: When a team is hot they bring in a coach who will cool things down.

Romo: You mean Haley?

BB: Bingo! Look what he did when he was with the Cardinals in the SB. A 100 yard pick-six with seconds to spare in the half. Where do you think I learned how to do that?

Romo: Leaping Lizards Ben. That’s amazing.

Goodell: It makes for great TV doesn’t? Look, the NFL is more popular than ever. We need to keep it that way. We can’t have the same teams winning over and over again.

Romo: What about the Patriot’s?

Goodell: What about them. I made them pay me 750K and they haven’t won a Superbowl since.

Romo: Holy smokes. Will the Cowboys ever be allowed to win again?

Goodell: Probably not for a while. I had to make your owner popular by letting him win three Superbowl’s so he could build that stadium. Afterwards, I made him fire his coach and sent in a "Cooler."

Romo: So I’m going to be a loser?

Goodell: Yea, I’m sorry kid but you’ll be a rich loser.

Goodell: I have to go. Remember, don’t screw things up or you might find yourself in an accident or getting a DUI or in a "bar miss-hap." You know what that’s like Benny, don’t you?

BB: Yes sir won’t happen again.

Goodell hangs up.

BB: So, do you get the picture.

Romo: Yea, I can’t believe it but I know I will be richer for it.

BB: That’s right. Don’t go spending it in once place.

Romo: There is one thing.

BB: What’s that?

Romo: I want the fans to like me and not hate me for loosing.

BB: Oh, this is what you do. After the season ends, have your agent tell the media that you played injured during part of the season. Once the media prints that, you are golden. Everyone will forgive you and send you get well cards. Now, I am off to Georgia where it’s warm. I am sick and tired of this snow and cold.

Romo: Thanks Ben, for everything.

BB: Baby crying in background.

BB’s Wife: Your turn

BB: Gotta go.

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