Your Conference Championships Hate Guide
*The Hate Guide is upset, rowdy, raucous, and above all satirical. And it recommends you not read this if you are easily incensed by profanity, hateful speech, bigotry, and intolerant intonations. The Hate Guide does not reflect the opinions of BTSC, its members, or its author, but it should.
Yinz didn't think I was just gonna go away that easily did you? You really didn't believe that your hatemaster extraordinaire was gonna roll over and die like the Packers' secondary just because things didn't go our way this year, did you? Poppycock! The Hate Guide is eternal, it has its own GD pulse and it takes the breath away from the evil stanky hated pieces of beotch shit that I'm about to rail into today.
I've been up in glorious America for the last few weeks. Oh lordy how I've missed her big beautiful freedom loving bosoms. If America were a woman, she'd be a big titty woman. And errrbody loves a big titty woman! I'm just enjoying the perpetual motorboat that I'm giving her, eating her rich fattening delicacies and basking in the warmth of organized traffic and advanced Keurig coffee brewing technology (zomg!).
Don't get me wrong I love my Peru, but America is like that girl that gives a really awesome BJ, you just have to go back to her once in a while. Ain't nothing like her luscious lips upon your metaphorical member.
I was going to wait for the Super Bowl to provide some hate, but desperate times call for desperate Hate. I'm going to provide some Grade-A hating to the two conference championships this weekend.
You see, my trip was made considerably less awesome by the shit heap of football misfortune that befell the NFL. Due to the Steelers shitting the bed like a 90 year old with Montezuma's Revenge after eating a bean and cheese burrito, the dirty, stanky, filthy, disgusting, purple pussy mongers the Baltiwhore Ravens have advanced to the American Football Conference Championship Game.
First of all, a message to the Denver secondary: Good gravy guzzling Colonel Sanders how in science were you able to suck so hard? You sucked harder than an Iraqi terrorist prisoner sucks on a straw for a drink after weeks of enhanced interrogation techniques. Cramp Bailey and Ream Moore collectively allowed Joe Flacco to look elite for another day. WITH THIRTY SECONDS LEFT YOU DO NOT LET A GUY GET BEHIND YOU!!! It's like basic pee-wee football rules 101. If I were John Fox I would have simply told my guys to line up at the opponents 20. All 11 of em. They could have held hands like a game of Red Rover and dared Flacco to come over. Then just clothesline anyone who tries to get through. I mean Christ on a popsicle that had to be the worst defensive performance ever seen in the final minute of a game. I hope Bailey gets killed in a fiery car wreck that cremates him right there in his car. And then I hope Rahim Moore suffers the same fate while enroute to his funeral. Choke on a barrel of large black dicks you two.
The Ravens deserve to be in this game about as much as Osama Bin Laden deserved a proper burial (can you tell I just saw Zero Dark Thirty). Few things make me want to vomit like a chemo patient riding a roller coaster like seeing the Ravens advance in the playoffs. But this year it's even MORE intolerable and gut-wrenching. I didn't know the Ravens could get more annoying, but here it is folks: Ray Lewis' glory-hole ride into the sunset. Sweet baby Jesus' dirty diaper this is the worst thing to befall us since the holocaust.
These are the words of Ray Lewis after the game in which Denver turtled like an Asian man's penis in frigid weather:
I can only tell you what I shared with (Joe Flacco)... I just told him God told me to come just do what I was supposed to do. And I just came and put my hands on (Flacco) and I just told him to go do what you do. And for that ball to drop into (Jones') hands with thirty seconds left, how else can you draw that up?
God could not be this retarded. I refuse to believe that the creator of the known universe's grand message was "Do what you're supposed to do." That's the most meaningless, anti-climatic, idiotic sentence ever delivered to a moron from a deity. An even better question is why on earth god would bother to talk to the most hypocritical uber-douche ever birthed. God probably had better things to attend to that afternoon, such as saving the Hostess company.
Oh and then there's the whole ‘laying his hands upon Flacco' part. Now, it is feasible that the only way Flacco could ever become elite is by being touched by a holy spirit-imbued prophet. Because otherwise, Flacco is a useless pile of checkdown shit. Flacco is like a semi-attractive girl who goes to LA and gets huge knockers put in. Flacco's huge knockers being the hundreds of yards he gets credit for after Ray Rice catches a 4 yard pass and carries it for 60 yards more. She goes from a 6 to an 8, but deep down she's still a 6. She still has that annoying laugh and a big nose that she couldn't afford to get fixed and overuses the words ‘like' and ‘totally' way too much. She's a girl you'll take home for a night, but you'll never actually want to start a family with.
But there's no way in hell that Ray Lewis was granted the godly power to enhance Flacco's play. It's far more believable that Denver just decided to commit football seppuku right there on the field.
Get a gasoline enema and stick a lit match up your dirty asshole Ray Ray. Your prancing and preening are coming to an end this weekend, because your team is NOT going to the Super Bowl. Not on my watch.
Unfortunately this leads me to the worst thing that can happen to a Steeler fan in January: A Ravens vs Patriots AFCCG.
When your only choices are the Ravens or the Patriots, it's like being kidnapped and the only way you'll be set free is to choose between raping your mother or your father. No matter the outcome, you lose, hard. I don't have many choices here, so to help me in my thought process I made a pros/cons list for my options.
Option 1: Suicide:
- I never have to know anything more about the Ravens or Pats
- I can quit work.
- I can get drunk before I do it.
- The sad women who'd mourn for me
- I wouldn't get to see one of the teams lose
- I wouldn't get to go to a strip club ever again....titties...
- I'd be dead and there'd be no more hate.
Not sounding good...
Option 2: Cheer for the Pats to win
- The Ravens lose
- The Pats win
- I lose my soul
- I hate myself
- I kill myself
- See option 1
Option 3: Death to all!
- Both teams die!
- Thousands of
racistsPats fans die!!
- Thousands of
purple-camo-wearing-assholesRavens fans die!!!
- Nobody wins but me
- Ray Lewis dies!!!!!!!
- More African children receive championship t-shirts
- Hearing Bill Simmons and Dan Shaughnessy praise the players as heroes for a year.
Well folks, EASY DECISION: Option #3 it is.
Men and ladyfolk of BTSC, we must cheer for an awesome destructive event to befall Gillette Stadium. Might I propose an Air Force training exercise gone awry with bad coordinates? Perhaps a terrorist gets his hands on some fissile material in time for the game Sunday? Or maybe a pack of vicious rabid dogs is released upon the field and they devour and infect every living being in the vicinity? Never before seen hailstorm with Hummer-sized ice boulders that pulverize everyone around? I'd take it.
Provide your own ideas below. We all need to hate together here folks, the more things we hate for the better our chances of winning!
All I know is that regardless of the outcome of this game I'll be disgusted and I'll hate it and it'll stank. All that matters is that the team from the NFC wins it all this year.
From this point forward the NFC has the full support of the Hate Guide. Except Atlanta, because there's no way in hell they can win the Super Bowl. They're about as real as a flying unicorn. So that means we have to cheer for the vegan-eating rainbow-parade-having librul-voting train-riding fancy-decorating San Francisco 69ers and their Prison-back Colin Kaepernick.
This is kinda like when Batman was put into that prison hole in the middle of nowhere. Shit got bad around NYC. The Steelers are the Dark Knight, and the Ravens are Bane, and Belicheat is Ras Al Ghul. Kevin Colbert needs to get us out of the desert glory-hole so that we can rise up and put an end to all this evil and badness. We need a little fixing up and some motivation, but we will RISE AGAIN! The Steelers' duty on this earth is to prevent these discarded abortions from reaching the final game of the NFL season. We are the gate keepers. And with us in the hole just look at what happens! We will not be held down forever.
Last time we had a real bad season was 2003. 6-10 was not cool to say the least. But then we drafted the QB that gave us 2 Super Bowl rings and another appearance to boot. It's time for history to repeat itself, it's hard to draft well when you're in the 30s every other year. Well now we get a good chance to reload our shotguns with some badass slugs. Let's hate these AFC Asshats out of the big game, and then get ready to hate the NFL draft.