I'll admit, I'm not much of an NFL draftnik. However, like a lot of football fans, I'm very good at mocking the misfortunes of other teams. And that, combined with my desire to shamelessly capitalize on the popularity of Mock Drafts, has led me to conduct my first annual (and only) Mocking Draft, where I mock something about the 31 other NFL franchises--picture Nelson from the Simpsons pointing at that team and saying, "Ha-Ha!" and that's the mocking spirit I'm going for.
Unlike a Mock Draft (or any draft, really), I'll be going in reverse order, from 31st, all the way down to the team I want to mock the most.
Let's begin with the 31st team I want to mock in the first (and only) round of this mocking draft, shall we?
No. 31: Green Bay Packers
The Packers aren't an easy team to mock. They've won 13 league championships in their history--including the first two Super Bowls--and have employed some of the most legendary players (and coaches) the game has ever known.
I suppose I could make fun of the whole Brett Favre retirement angle, but Green Bay did defeat the Steelers in Super Bowl XLV, so mocking this team might prove to be dangerous. Therefore, I've decided to trade the Packers pick to the Dallas Cowboys (the Cowboys also have a top ten mocking pick, so this is already a good draft for Steelers fans).
There are many things I could mock Dallas about, but I'll simply mock the team owner: Jerry Jones. Need I say more? Great value pick at 31.
No. 30: Jacksonville Jaguars
There isn't much for a Steelers fan to mock the Jags about (at least since they went to a different division), so I'll simply mock the fact that they probably need Tim Tebow to actually sell out a game. This is obviously a project selection--just like acquiring Tebow would be.
No. 29: Kansas City Chiefs
Again, not a ton to mock Kansas City about, so I should just pick the best mock available. With that in mind, I'll mock the fact that the Chiefs let Bill Cowher leave their coaching staff to become the top man in Pittsburgh in 1992. A bit of a reach, but this sometimes happens at 29.
No. 28: Houston Texans
Just like with the Jaguars and Chiefs, there isn't a great history between the Steelers and Texans. But I do know something about the Steelers/Oilers rivalry. I know the fans in Houston still reminisce about "Love Ya Blue!" And there are probably a lot of older fans who call Houston talk shows and refer to the Texans as the "Oilers." They probably say things like, "that Arian Foster is too much of a finesse runner. He doesn't go up the middle like an Earl Campbell." Therefore, I will mock the Texans for having to play in the Oilers very big shadow.
No. 27: Chicago Bears
Rex Grossman. Wasted no time turning this selection over to the commissioner.
No. 26: Atlanta Falcons
Jerry Glanville. Man, the mocks are flying off the board now.
No. 25: Buffalo Bills
The consensus among the experts is to mock the Bills for losing four-straight Super Bowls. But I'm not too enthused with such a mocking--I think making it to four straight Super Bowls is a pretty remarkable feat. However, it's not always wise to go against public opinion when drafting, so, unfortunately, I'll use this pick to mock Buffalo for making four straight championship appearances and having nothing to show for it.
No. 24: Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins failed to win a Super Bowl with Dan Marino, perhaps the best quarterback of all-time. Mock-worthy, I suppose, but a bit of a reach for any Steelers fan. After all, Miami did defeat the Steelers the week following the Immaculate Reception, as well as the 1984 AFC Championship Game with Marino at the helm. And when you combine that with the fact that Pittsburgh passed on Marino in the '83 draft, well, this is why Miami is so far down the list of this mocking draft.
No. 23: Carolina Panthers
Not much to mock the Panthers about, so I've decided to trade this pick to the Dallas Cowboys, who now have three picks in this draft. With the 23rd pick in the 2013 Mocking Draft, this Steelers fan would like to mock Dallas for employing Tony Romo. Ha-ha!
No. 22: San Diego Chargers
Ryan Leaf.......pick made in record time.
No. 21: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I suppose I could mock the Bucs for losing the first 26 games in franchise history, but that would be too easy. I also could mock them for Warren Sapp's playing career, but he had a pretty decent one. Instead, I will mock Sapp's career as a studio analyst. It's a great value pick at 21.
No. 20: Detroit Lions
General manager Matt Millen......I really did my scouting for this pick.
No. 19: Minnesota Vikings
I would mock the Vikings for losing four Super Bowls, but that would be a reach considering the Buffalo pick at 25. I could mock Minnesota for helping the Steelers become champions after many decades of failure, but Super Bowl IX was a moment not to be mocked by anyone. I need to mock something a little more recent, so therefore, I'll mock this guy's reaction to Brett Favre's INT at the end of the 2009 NFC Championship Game. Too funny and a great pick at 19.
No. 18: Denver Broncos
I will mock the Broncos for getting smashed by Pittsburgh in the 2005 AFC Championship Game. Denver was so happy to be hosting the big game following the Steelers upset in Indianapolis the week before, and they thought it would be a cake-walk to the Super Bowl. Ha-ha!
No. 17: New Orleans Saints
I will use this pick to mock the Saints for losing to a 7-9 team in the playoffs the year after winning the Super Bowl.
No. 16: St. Louis Rams
The Rams traded Jerome Bettis to the Steelers during the 1996 NFL Draft in exchange for a second round pick. Why? Because St. Louis drafted Lawrence Phillips (that's right) and thought the Bus was finished, washed up, done, etc, etc. Ha-ha!......oh, and thank you.
No. 15: New York Giants
The Miracle at the Meadlowlands. If ever a team was married to a pick in a mocking draft, it is the Giants and that infamous day back in 1978.
No. 14: New York Jets
I will mock their fans who turn out for the NFL Draft every year. What a bunch of turds. If the Jets fans were sitting in the stands right now, watching this pick, they'd probably boo me for not picking Tim Tebow.
No. 13: San Francisco 49ers
They probably shouldn't be so high on this list. Great history--including Joe Montana, Jerry Rice and Bill Walsh--but they have five Super Bowl titles, and as a Steelers fan who prides himself on Sixburgh, I feel threatened. Therefore, with the 13th pick in the 2013 Mocking Draft, I will pick the 49ers defeat in Super Bowl XLVII. Why? It was their most recent heartbreak, so I know it probably still stings a bit. That, plus, Jim Harbaugh can suck it!
No. 12: Philadelphia Eagles
Two Super Bowl appearances. No Super Bowl titles. What a great pick.
No. 11: Arizona Cardinals
I don't have much of a beef with the Cardinals, other than the whole "Pittsburgh "West" thing, which is more flattering than insulting. With that in mind, I've decided to trade Arizona's pick to the Jets. And with the 11th pick in the 2013 Mocking Draft, I select New York's entire history, aside from Namath and Super Bowl III. Ha-ha!
No. 10: Washington Redskins
Daniel Snyder.....no time wasted on the clock for this pick.
No. 9: Indianapolis Colts
Their fans were on message boards the week prior to the 2005 divisional playoff game, bragging about how the Colts were going to whip Pittsburgh's butt. And despite the Steelers dominating the game, Indianapolis STILL could have pulled it out at the end. Therefore, I'll mock the drunk, idiot kicker, and his failure to come through in the clutch.
No. 8: Tennessee Titans
No. 7: Cleveland Browns
Two franchises. XLVII Super Bowls. No appearances.
No. 6: Dallas Cowboys
With the pick the Cowboys actually earned, I'll mock Super Bowl XIII. I know it was a great game, but man, do their fans still get angry when talking about things like Jackie Smith's drop, the umpire who got in the way during Franco Harris' touchdown run, and Randy White's arm cast.....This is a franchise pick.
No. 5: Cincinnati Bengals
I suppose I could mock the Bengals two Super Bowl losses, but instead, I'll just pick January 6th, 1991. That was the date of Cincinnati's last playoff win.........I was still in high school.
No. 4: New England Patriots
19-0 and the most dominant team in NFL history!....Whoops, I mean, 18-1 and Ha-ha!
No. 3: Baltimore Ravens
January 15th, 2011. The Ravens were up, 21-7, in the third quarter of the divisional playoff game before the Steelers stormed back for a 31-24 victory. Ha freaking ha! It was an awesome night. And of the three playoff victories over Baltimore since 2001, this one was the most mock-worthy.
No. 2 Seattle Seahawks
Super Bowl XL. What more can I say......other than, Ha-ha!
No. 1 Oakland Raiders
Some Patriots fan wanted to trade up to this pick to take "Tuck Rule," but I wanted too much--including an acknowledgement that Spygate may have helped New England defeat the Steelers in at least one of the AFC Championship Games--and he wouldn't go along with it, so I've decided to keep this pick and take the Immaculate Reception. This is like Lemieux to the Penguins or Lebron to the Cavaliers. It's simply a no-brainer and has given fans like me four decades of "Ha-has!" It is truly a Hall of Fame mocking moment.
This concludes my first annual (and only) Mocking Draft. I hope you enjoyed it.