With the sixth overall selection in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Breveland Clowns select...
A washing machine.
"We're going with the Kenmore," new owner Jimmy Haslam said. "The old Maytag bought when the team was founded in 1946 just isn't cutting it anymore."
I came to find out during my draft research that the team washing machine never really worked right. It turns out that originally, Paul Brown wanted to name his team "The Cleveland Paul Bearers" to inspire a sense of fear in his opponents. When his wife complained that the name was too morbid, he decided to balance the name with an effeminate jersey color at the time: purple.
The problem was, the Maytag never really removed the dirt and mud - it only smeared it around, causing the purple jerseys to appear brown.
"Oh crap, people think we chose brown on purpose? Dammit." - Jimmy Haslam
After several months of ruining purple jerseys, Paul Brown relented and decided to associate his last name with the team instead of his first, since by that point fans had begun calling them "The Browns" in a reference to the soiled jerseys. In a deal he struck with the rest of the NFL, the Browns were actually permitted to have only white jerseys -- they would borrow the home team's functional washing machines before road games, soil the clean white jerseys during the game, and wash them in the Maytag to turn them back to their home brown look.
"That Maytag repair man is full of s**t." -Jimmy Haslam
When Art Modell eventually moved the team to Baltimore, he kept the purple jerseys as an homage to the original owner.
But nothing over the years persuaded the Browns to acquire a new washing machine - until today, when the entire organization collectively lost it that Luke Joeckel had fallen so far in the first round.
"Literally everyone, simultaneously, s**t themselves," Haslam said. "The players, the fans, hell, even my cat, Miss Precious Perfect, all simultaneously soiled ourselves and everything around us."
Clearly, it was going to be too much for the old Maytag to handle. The Kenmore is expected to wear #3, in honor of Derek Anderson, the only Cleveland quarterback of the common era to give Cleveland fans a (brief) hope that perhaps things wouldn't stay sh***y forever.
"Symbolism." - Jimmy Haslam
All joking aside, I can't believe Luke Joeckel fell out of the top five. However, in classic Cleveland luck, LT is literally the only position on the field where an upgrade is impossible. Joe Thomas is arguably the best LT in the league, and they drafted a rookie last year, Mitchell Schwartz, to play RT and he's not going anywhere.
That being said, if I'm Cleveland's GM and Joeckel falls to 6th, I'm smilin' like a butcher's dog. Here is where I'd play a game called "screw the Cardinals." The Cardinals pick 7th, and they desperately need a LT. The Chargers and Dolphins pick 11th and 12th, respectively, and they desperately need a LT. If this situation occurs, I'm putting the Chargers and the Dolphins in a bidding war to buy my pick, the minimum price tag being your first rounder and your second rounder. Sorry, Cardinals.
The guys I'm really looking for in this draft are either Chance Warmack or Jarvis Jones, but 6th is too high to pick either of them, and at least one will be around at pick 11 or 12.
My thoughts on Warmack - put him next to Joe Thomas on the left side and watch Trent Richardson run for 1,800 yards behind them. As for Jarvis Jones - he makes the Paul Kruger signing make sense. The only reason Kruger lit it up like he did was because he was playing opposite Suggs. An outstanding pass rusher like Jones would help Kruger's sack numbers stay up.
Since I'm not allowed to trade it here...
With the 6th pick, the Cleveland Browns select Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M.
This is with the stipulation that I'm about to trade this bad boy. If Warmack or Jones goes 11th or 12th, I'll pretend the trade happened.
(All of this aside, the Browns will probably reach for Geno Smith like they always do, but in respect to any Browns fans who read this, I couldn't bring myself to do it.)
|1||Star Lotulelei||DT||Utah||[Link to pick]|
|2||Dion Jordan||DE/OLB||Oregon||[Link to pick]|
|3||Sharrif Floyd||DT||Florida||[Link to pick]|
|4||Dee Milliner||CB||Alabama||[Link to pick]|
|5||Eric Fisher||OT||Central Michigan||[Link to pick]|
|6||Luke Joeckel||OT||Texas A&M||AMKrup|
|15||Thoroughbred of Sin|