If Steeler Nation ruled the world

Ronald Martinez

Steeler Nation spans the globe and could be a powerful force if it mobilized, took over the world and imposed its football vision on mankind.

Steeler Nation is a fan base that's known for being loyal, vocal, excitable and very opinionated. It's also a very populace base (hence, the "nation" moniker) and could probably mobilize and take over the world if things really got out of hand--another 8-8 record. As someone who interacts with other Steelers fans everyday and reads and hears the various comments and opinions about all things Black and Gold, I sometimes get a little frightened at what exactly could happen to the world we live in if Steeler Nation somehow rose up and seized total control.

I've had scary visions, prophetic visions, if you will, and I'd like to share those visions with you:

--Bruce Arians will be hunted, captured and put on trial for "crimes against Steelers football," which as everyone knows has to do with not running the ball.

--Anyone caught not imposing their will by running the football in the fourth quarter with a lead will be suspended for being soft.

--Every other professional and collegiate sports trophy will be officially deemed inferior to the Lombardi trophy and could be seized and melted down to be used for all past and future Super Bowl championships that will be awarded to the Steelers.

--Along those same lines, Game 7 of the World Series can and will be preempted by a marathon of "A Day in the Life" on Steelers TV.

--Steelers TV will be on every channel.

--Phil Simms will be sentenced to life in prison for always wanting the other team to win.

--Neil O'Donnell will flee and seek asylum in an undisclosed location for his two interceptions in Super Bowl XXX. However, since Steeler Nation will rule the world, there will be no place for No. 14 to hide. We're gonna get him!

--Every NFL and college football team will be required to make the fullback the focal point of its offense. And it will be mandatory for every professional football team to make the fullback its highest paid player.

--It will be considered a crime against humanity to pass a football inside the red zone.

--The James Harrison release never officially happened.

--Pittsburgh's acquisitions of Santonio Holmes and Mike Wallace will be mysteriously eradicated from public record, and any and all highlights of the two receivers will be replaced with a continuous loop of Hines Ward blocking Keith Rivers.

--Cris Collinsworth will be bound, gagged and sentenced to life in prison for always wanting the other team to win.

--No cheerleaders, ever, in any stadium and in any sport. Only Styx performing Renegade.

--Much like the Montreal Canadiens of the NHL once had first rights to any hockey player from Quebec, the Steelers will have the first chance to draft any college player described as having a "blue-collar work-ethic."

--The Patriots, Ravens, Seahawks and Cowboys will have to officially change their names to the Cheatriots, Ratbirds, Seachickens and Cryboys, respectively.

--Warren Sapp will be confined to a coliseum and forced to try and out-run a lion just to show him what old slow and really, really over is all about.

--Roger Goodell will be stripped of his commissioner's title and sentenced to life as James Harrison's "proper technique" tackling dummy--Deebo will see what he's tackling, and man is he going to like it.

--All punt, pass, and kick contests will be replaced with run inside the tackles, fullback dive, and hit the line hard contests.

--The Jerome Bettis rule will be enacted, prohibiting any running back from playing at under 240 pounds.

--If Todd Haley or any future offensive coordinator calls too many stupid plays, he can be replaced at any moment by the guy sitting in Section 279, or his daughter--I mean, even she could call a better game than that.

--Willie Parker never officially ran for a 75 yard touchdown in Super Bowl XL, and Antwaan Randle El didn't throw for a score. Jerome Bettis scored all three touchdowns by running over Brian Urlacher.

--Your opinion will be considered law once you tell someone you've been a season ticket holder since 1972.

--Dick Lebeau will be named Secretary of Defense, and it won't be a symbolic gesture.

--Tunch and Wolf will officiate every Steelers game just to make things fair.

--The Steelers retroactively draft Dan Marino and his career stats, thus enabling Pittsburgh to now officially claim Super Bowls XXIII-XXXIV (that's why we'd need the Stanley Cup, among other trophies, to be melted down).

--Everyone knows Pittsburgh would have defeated the Raiders in the 1976 AFC Championship Game if Franco and Rocky weren't hurt, so Super Bowl XI will be ours, too.

--Since Steeler Nation is often annoyed by other teams, Pittsburgh will have the right to schedule a Black and Gold scrimmage and have it air in place of the Super Bowl, but that would only happen if the Steelers don't make it, which will be none of time. Screw it, let's just make the scrimmage the Super Bowl.

And finally, the most important thing:

--Disrespect the Terrible Towel? You don't want to know what happens.

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