This is part 2 of our Preseason Hate Guide. A brief look at why all the teams in the league need to be hated and deemed stanky. This is the NFC portion of the guide, with the AFC to follow.
Arizona Retardinals: They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I say it’s a massive sign that you’re too friggin stupid to figure shit out for yourself. With the addition of Bruce Arians, the Retardinals have succeeded in creating a Chinese knockoff bullshit version of the Steelers. Oh and they signed Carson Hairy Palmer. Calling him a quarterback is like calling a Daewoo a car. Fun fact: The team colors were inspired by their players’ menstrual cycles!
Taint Louis Ramjobs: Somebody out there is still willing to let Jeff Fisher give them moustache rides, which is about all the pleasure he’s ever been able to muster. I love the term "Running back by committee." Translation: We have a bunch of paraplegic dumbasses at RB. Also, Isaiah Pead must have been made fun of a LOT in school. I pray he pees himself during an NFL game just so that an announcer will say that Pead peed his pants. Preferably Jon Gruden. THIS GUY RIGHT HERE, I CALL HIM PISSED-OFF, THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL EMOTION RIGHT THERE!
San Fran GO TO HELL YOU LOSER ASSHOLE 69ers: I officially hate the 49ers with a violent passion. I hope every member of their team, coaching staff, and stadium crew gets infected with AIDS and dies a slow miserable hospital bed-ridden death. I want them all to have their computers hacked and infested with kiddie porn, and their wives divorce them and get EVERYTHING. YOU LET JOE FLACCO WIN A SUPER BOWL YOU MAGGOT INFESTED TWATS!!! DIE. God that was the worst super bowl ever.
Seattle Seecocks: It occurred to me that I didn’t even know what a sea hawk was. Turns out they don’t really even exist. All knowing Wikipedia gives you a choice between an osprey and this ugly fat thing called a Skua, which is also an onomatopoeia for tossing your cookies. "SKUAAAAAA ohhh god why did I drink Jaeger last night.." Given the mascot, we’ll go with Osprey. Ospreys are pretty pathetic birds. Of all the ornithological teams in the NFL, the Ospreys are clearly in 3rd place. Falcons and Eagles would break an Osprey’s puny neck. And don’t even get me started on Cardinals. Is there a pussier animal you could have chosen? Might as well go with gerbils, and then shove them up your rectum. Christ I hate Seattle.
Atlanta Falcons: Fact: Players with awesome names are great. Fact #2: Atlanta has the most boring names on the planet. Coach Mike Smith, Lineman Mike Johnson, Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, Steven Jackson. How the hell am I supposed to make childish insults at these jagoffs without something to start with? Screw Atlanta, waste of my damn time.
New Orleans Bounty Hunters: As much as I respect bounties and think they should be implemented in every facet of the game (I’d put a bounty on the Harbaughs immediately), I still get annoyed by the Boba Fetts in Louisiana. They took Keenan Lewis, ruining my dream of drafting another CB named Kel and having the most awesome starting CB name combo in the world. Rufus "Roofie" Johnson date rapes women, and Breaston has man-tits. Yes I’m being lazy today, don’t like it go get your hate somewhere else. Oh wait, you can’t. Suck it. It’s the preseason. I’m allowed to preseason it today. Just saving the good stuff for later.
Carolina Kittens: The Panthers actually drafted a person with a stripper name in the first round. We need to start rounding up these parents and beat them over the heads with wooden clubs. Who in their right mind names their child, a MAN mind you, Star? Star people. F-ing Star Lotulelei. The world as we know it is now a steaming pile of feces left to cook on a hot summer sidewalk. I don’t care that you’re Hawaiian or Samoan or whatever the hell Polynesian thing you are. Just because your last name looks like what 13 year olds type into the youtube comments section doesn’t mean you need to go all the way and give your child a porn name. Bastard’s lucky he got into the NFL because there’s no way in hell anybody would take a man named Star seriously.
Tampon Bay Suckaneers: Garr mateys, the seas be mighty stormy on this herrrre Bay of Tampon. Aye the Freeman lobs the ball like a limp fish warrshed up on shorrrr. Now we be setting sail for Rrrrrrevis Isle, a place wherrre you get held harder than a hooker’s tits and nary a flag be thrrrrown ye scurvy way. N’ can we buy a damned vowel for Johnthan Banks. Were ye parents too goddamn lazy or just as dumb as me crew who can’t spell for shit? Welcome aboard jagoff, spellins for landlubbers, we be pirates. Yarrr.
Cagado Bears: A quick Google News search for the bears revealed this gem: "Cutler to play limited snaps vs. Carolina." First off, no shit Sherlock, it’s the preseason. Secondly, it’s Jay friggin Cutler. Jay Cutler and "limited snaps" are synonyms. Cutler gets sand in his vag more often than an obese woman on the beach during a windstorm. I bet he’s the least satisfying quarterback to sack. He just looks so disengaged. You’d swear he had a lobotomy around halftime. Oh and Matt Forte likes to put that fancy little accent mark on the last E. Well Matt, this is Murica. And here in Murica we use the god given glorious Roman alphabet and none of them fancy characters that are a pain in the ass to type. I vote we deport him to North Korea.
Cheesedicks: I have a friend who is a Packer’s fan. As unbearable as this is, he chooses to remind me at every opportunity of how he is a partial owner of his team due to having one of those stupid stock certificates or whatever. Only Packer fans are dumb enough to see the blatant greed behind this move. I think the board meeting went down like this:
Exec #1: "Hey guys, we need more money. I can only afford Caribbean strippers on my yacht and I’d really like to import some Asians to add to the mix. Whatcha got?"
Exec #2: "Let’s sell one tiny share of stock to all our crazy fans! At an elevated price! And they’ll get to feel all sentimental and shit, and we’ll be rich!"
All: "Rabble rabble rabble harrumph harrumph BRILLIANT!!! Muahahahaha. WOODHOUSE, CIGARS!!!"
Woodhouse: (deep sigh) "I shall fetch the cigars"
Oh, and they beat us in a Super Bowl. So F em hard.
Love Boaters: The Viqueens are run by a scumbag Zygi Wilf, who was recently found guilty of Racketeering. When I was a kid I thought racketeering was committing a violent crime using a racket as a weapon. Perhaps the idea of bludgeoning someone to death with a tennis racket amused me. Now Zygi is making sure the taxpayers dump all their coin into the new stadium, since their previously collapsed stadium was a beautiful reminder of what this team is: A pile of shit. The Vikes will be about as competitive as a white midget in a pro NBA game. Purple Jesus just needs to die, wake up in 3 days, and play for a new team.
Detroit Drive-Bys: The Lions recently said they want to try to help uplift the city of Detroit. Trying to uplift Detroit is like trying to make a AIDS/Stage 3 Cancer patient who just lost his family in a car accident on their way to a hospital feel better. You’d have a better chance of uplifting a school bus full of children on your own than the Lions do of uplifting Detroit. What better way to uplift Detroit than by signing Hairy Bush, the world’s most overhyped and useless RB. Reggie Bush’s greatest achievement to-date is tapping Kim Kardashian’s ass. A noble feat to be sure, seeing as a helicopter could land safely on that booty. Course Bush got left in the bushes for Kanye West, currently in the lead for my World’s Biggest Douche Award, and now he dates a chick that looks like Kim. Nothing sadder than losing a girlfriend, and then immediately looking for the closest possible replica. Do you think your balls won’t notice the difference? They do. They always do.
Feeladickphia Eagles: I actually visited Philly for the first time in January. Of course, being January, there was absolutely no sight of anything Eagles related. This must be the most fickle fanbase in the union. Steeler jerseys are acceptable attire year round, even at solemn events such as funerals (home) and weddings (away). Not ONE Eagles jersey in an entire city in January. It’s like the team dies once their season ends. And Philly itself is a shitty city with overpriced parking, crummy weather, and a pretty godawful layout. Thanks for making me walk through the shitty neighborhood on my way to see historic stuff, all of which you have surrounded by more shitty neighborhood. Philly is basically a giant ghetto donut with a tiny hole of safety in the middle. Fortunately literally 107% of people in Philly smoke, so they’ll all be dead soon enough.
G-strings: The big blue ballsack annoys me. From their gasket-blowing head coach to their sippy cup-using man-child QB I just get pissed when I see them. I can’t put my finger on it. They’re a good team, but I want to hate them so much. I feel like they should suck. I can’t understand how Justin Tuck can rack up a billion sacks with a facemask that obscures his entire vision. I don’t get why Coughlin’s heart hasn’t erupted yet. Are football skills really genetic, and if so why aren’t we breeding super-backs by combining sperm and eggs in a super secret NFL selective breeding/eugenics program? I bet Goodell is working on that right now.
Dallassholes: Stomp your foot if you hate the Cowboys. That 8.7 seismic wave you just felt basically sums it up. God do I HATE these assbarnacles. Last year’s game brought back horrible vicious night terrors of Larry Brown. It seems like every game with the Cowgirls ends in a pick. And I’m getting tired of it. Perhaps the worst part is letting Romo notch another win. NFL should switch to MLB rules for wins, if you don’t put the winning points up on offense you don’t get a win you jagoff. Romo chokes harder than a first time deep throater on a black porn set and yet SOMEHOW god decides it’s ok for him to get 8 wins on the year. The saddest part is that we also finished 8-8, which is proof that god doesn’t exist. Jeebus I almost threw up in my mouth after realizing we finished a year with the same record as these stacks of shitsticks.
Texas is getting another paragraph from me because now I’m just pissed. I mean seriously, how on earth does Romo still have a job? Romo is like a semi-alcoholic general practitioner. Yeah he can check your neck for strep, but if you get shot you’d best go elsewhere. If it’s a battle with cancer you got, you need to be checking into your local hospital. This guy just can’t get it done. He’s like the 40 year old virgin. He gets close, makes all the right moves, and then when it’s showtime his pecker gets softer than an ice cream cone that melted on a hot summer day, that then got rained on for 2 hours and finally landed in a pile of chinchilla fur. And yet this asshole slurping derp factory got to motorboat Jessica Simpson (and if he DIDN’T motorboat that, he really stanks).
I’m convinced Jerry Jones made a deal with Satan once upon a time. F the Cowboys.
Redforeskins: You know what’s funny, I wrote the conclusion to this poast and then figured I should at least "fact-check" my article, even though facts are for suckers. So I went back and just counted the number of teams I had written up. I got 15. Now, math tells me that 32 teams, divided by 2 conferences, equals SIXTEEN teams. Check those math skills beotch. But for the GD life of me I couldn’t figure out who I had left out. Then it hit me: That shitty team in Washington that does nothing but tickle the testes of every other team in the league: The Worshintan Resskins. So there you have it, this team is about as memorable as a partial bowel movement. Anyway I guess we have a game with these jagofs, so our 2nd/3rd teams better show up, because they should be able to beat their 1st team. Anything less is pure shenanigans.
Well folks, that’s the NFC. The AFC is coming up, I’ll have it out before opening day, and then it’s time for that precious week by week hate you so crave. Hate on haters.