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Your Preseason Hate Guide: Part 1

SWEET TOMATO SAUCE COVERED BABY JESUS FOOTBALL IS BACK USA USA USA APPLE PIE MURICA F YEAH!!!!

God I’ve been dying to say that. Like literally decaying away into a pile of toddler vomit. I’m like a crack addict, and the offseason is my prison. I’m reduced to swapping cigarettes and toothbrush shanks for a damn rock of NFL. To continue the analogy, the preseason is my methadone. It doesn’t quite give you that high that you’ve been chasing, but it’s something. It gets you through the day without scratching your skin off and grinding your teeth down to nubs.

As football returns, so does hate. Hate reserves sadly do tend to run dry during the end of a season. Without proper fueling from our relatively lame 8-8 team last year, it became even harder to maintain full hate speed. However I return to each season reinvigorated and fully charged, like your iPhone before you go to work. Make that a souped up Tesla roadster ready to tear the streets a new one.

With renewed energy, it’s time to begin the year on a good hateful note. So let me start by saying how much I absolutely abhor the preseason. The preseason is like a shitty handjob. Actually that’s redundant. Handjobs are never good. The reason is simple: you can do it better yourself and you have way more practice. If a woman gave me a good handjob, I’d actually be concerned. She might have had a honker in a previous life.

"But Mechem, it’s football, it’s back, aren’t you happy? There’s only a month to go!" you say in your whiney detesticled voice. The preseason is not NFL, it’s the equivalent of replacement refs. A bunch of jagoffs you’ve never heard of competing for that all important, coveted 3rd TE slot. Woohoo. Now let me shove a fork up my ass. The preseason can then take that fork and eat a shit salad with it.

And let’s not forget the fact that the preseason basically exists to injure your stars. Somehow invariably 1/3 of your roster is gone by week 1 because the coach felt like "getting them ready" in game 3 and someone’s knee blew up. I swear they put IEDs on the field during preseason and coat it with a layer of vegetable oil. It’s almost as if the NFL wants players to die before the start of the actual real NFL. Gilbert will almost certainly fall on 3 legs during this preseason and we’ll be playing Lineman-Roulette with a fully loaded gun.

The preseason can devour a garbage bag full of razor blades for all I care. Nobody needs it, nobody wants it, and it just creates headaches. It’s the Virtual Boy of football.

Of course everything in the world would be way better if I ruled it. So I have some ideas to improve the preseason experience.

1. Don’t watch it.

Turning off your TV is an excellent solution to the retarded preseason. It’s friggin August in Murica. Go outside.

2. Boobs

Scientific research that I have spearheaded shows that boobs increase enjoyment of any activity by at least 274%. There is literally nothing that isn’t improved by boobs. Just look at them Japanese, they started putting boobs on the dinner table! They get it. Dentistry would be infinitely superior if the assistant had nice exposed boobs.

So during the preseason, all cheerleaders are now topless, and one of them joins the team in a 12 vs 12 competition. Her routes involve copious amounts of jumping, that’s all. Hitting her results in immediate ejection, and her touchdowns are worth 32 points.

3. Dynamic field conditions

Using advanced technology, we can turn the field into our own source of entertainment. Goal posts that change width randomly, hell yes. Assorted hidden sink holes scattered among the field, you got it! Swinging bowling balls suspended from the ceiling (indoor only) add to the excitement! Imagine watching your newly acquired 5th round QB scramble for extra yards and BOOM bowling ball into pit filled with snakes.

4. Full time Kickers!

Much like how half of baseball (which is retarded) forces pitchers to bat, we obligate full time playing with the kicker. Oh the joys of seeing a kicker get the wind knocked out of him by an LB.

5. Enemy participation

As fans, we live to HATE. So let’s take out our frustration during home preseason affairs. Fans from the opposing team are dragged from the stands, and forced to suit up and have the living shit beat out of them by overgrown men trained from birth to KILL. Bonus points for fatalities.

6. Cocaine line painting

Swap out that white paint for some Peruvian marching powder and watch the fireworks. Players will slide headfirst out of bounds, and 40 times will reach an all-time low.

7. Goodell Face Punch Time OUT (sponsored by Everlast!)

Experience the joy of watching Der Fuhrer’s Face (great Disney film by the way) get punched by players during every time out and quarter break. Teams take turns, and knockouts award extra yardage!

8. Free beer for season ticket holders!

Because America!

Now, tell me you wouldn’t watch that preseason. Hell, you’d actually pay top dollar for ticket prices and not feel like you were being bent over a kitchen table while a scalding hot dildo was forced up your arse.

So, in one month’s time we’ll be watching our Steelers manhandle the league. In the meantime we have the preseason. Of course, to get us ready I’ll be pumping hate through your veins during the preseason.

Keep your eyes open for my NFC Hate Speech, a quick look at why I hate all the teams in the NFC and they stank. We’ll talk AFC a little later, and then it’s back to your regularly scheduled weekly hate.


Keep your hate-boners hard with hate this season on twitter @hatingtheleague, I'll be back in action!

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