If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.
As I understand it, this according to my sources, Tom Coughlin was very upset by his team’s performance, and particularly their inability to keep their hands firmly on the ball, in the Giants’ loss to the Cowgirls. One of his coaches was particularly worried he might do something drastic, like eat the airline food on the way home, so he showed his head coach footage of the Steelers first egg of the season. Coughlin cheered up immediately. Very soon thereafter he was heard uttering the words: "It could be worse".
In a surprising turn of events, it turns out, David Paulson has been secretly tutoring the offensive line in blocking. No, it has to be true. How else can you explain our line getting MANHANDLED throughout the course of the game? Many adjectives have been used over the years to describe the Steelers: Tough, physical, imposing, etc., etc… Now you can add a new one to your vocabulary to describe the offensive (Offensive!) line – Pillowy-soft. Yeah, I said it, SOFT! Pillowy-soft just makes them seem so nice and friendly, like you would like to curl up with one of them and take a nap after a bad game. Although, I don’t think they would do that because they already seemed to be napping during the game, so they should be pretty fresh after it.
Ohhhh, Little Mikey Tomlin, I’m looking directly at you. Juror number three has been turned. The deliberation is going into yet another year and the evidence against you is mounting. We will be examining everything all over again, even that time you got caught looking at Dan Rooney’s ass. We will be doing it without the sound turned up so we are not influenced by your well delivered and fantastically entertaining Tomlinisms. We love you, we really do, but this is not about friendship, it’s about our beloved Steelers getting embarrassed in their home opener. Culture and attitude and all that other stuff starts at the top and trickles down. I would like to say something is not working, but I’m going to have to say a lot is not working and you seem to lack the ability to fix it. I just can’t make that funny.
At this time it’s unclear what DeCastro has against Pouncy. I don’t know if he’s ever forgiven Maurkice for eating his last Twinkie, or something. I have heard his injuring his line-mate described as "Rolled onto" Maurkice. Let me describe it another way: "Dove into" Maurkice’s knee. I may be old and senile, but I know what I saw and that is what it looks like to me. Let’s go back to fundamentals again, because our offensive line seems to have missed out on some. I know it seem like basic stuff, but did anyone tell David DeCastro that he should not dive into his line-mate’s knee? Here’s another: The Steelers offensive line might, just might mind you, want to practice what to do in case of a stunt. The may see that particular move again. Soon. Are we maybe drafting the dumbest linemen in history, because don’t they seem to have trouble with this particular move every series, game and year? Ahem…Fundamentals.
Did I tell you I’m going to win the Super Bowl this year. I’m going to. Me! I’ve recently started talking about my winning a championship and how that is what I will be expecting out of myself every year. Apparently I don’t have to do it, or really take any appreciable steps toward reaching my goal. I just have to talk about it all the time. Then, I do what I always do to win the Super Bowl, which is pretty much nothing. I’ve drafted a letter to the Steelers to see if they will pay me for this. I’m thinking six or seven figures. Oh wait, my boss is trying to explain what delusional means to me, hold on…
In a delightful quirk of fate, it turns out that even though the Steelers looked like they might have prepared to play the wrong sport, the other teams in the division, while looking slightly better, did equally as well in the win-loss column. That’s right folks, the division went Oh-and-4. Sometimes the pride overwhelms me. Wait, that’s indigestion. Anyway, the Steelers are still tied with all the other teams in the division. Yep, we’re all tied with the Browns. Fantastic.
What do you think Jonathan Dwyer would like to really say right about now? Talk about your conflicting emotions.
Some of the really football smart guys on this sight have spent a tremendous amount of time and effort trying to educate those of us who, shall we say, have the football I.Q. of a plated snail, showing us what our team was doing in giffs. Highly entertaining. Somewhat educational, if I could remember a darn thing. What I’m getting to here is in doing this fine work some of these guys have pointed out mistakes or problems. They have always been quick to say that it’s not too bad because the problem is correctable through proper coaching. I have to ask: Are we sure about this? Because it seems that the Steelers keep making the same mistakes, or just keep making mistakes, period. Are they not coachable or do we have the wrong coaches (LeBeau and Lake are exempt from this question. They are free to talk among themselves)? Maybe our guys are wrong when they say it’s correctable. Maybe it’s not correctable and a deficiency the player is going to have to live with for the rest of their career. Maybe our guys are to blame for getting our hopes up? That’s some creative finger pointing right there.
Just once I would like to see Troy turn to the camera after a game like that and softly say, "Our offense sucks". I’m mean he’s got to be tired of finding creative excuses for why they lost without saying just that. "Well Mr. Bouchette, there were solar flares during the game which caused the Sun’s corona to oscillate thereby causing the solar wind to fluxuate and impact our planet’s photosphere sporadically (Learned that word watching Clueless) causing a slight rise and decrease in atmospheric pressure which affected the Yaw and gimbal of the football in flight… But only when Ben was throwing". Although, I would pay to hear him say that too.
Okay, that’s all the ramble I have for today. Cheer up, it can’t get worse, can it?