Editor’s Note: Rodney has spent three of the past seven weeks since his last appearance hibernating, and the other four in court battling various NFL defamation and paternity lawsuits. However, against the advice of his attorneys, he has returned to BTSC to provide his accurate preview of what should happen leading up to the Steelers 15th selection in the NFL draft.
1. Houston Texans: Jadeveon Clowney – This pick was made four months ago by the Texans, because, he’s simply the best athlete in this draft. If definitely helps too that the Texans will have a local trade partner three seasons down the road if the pick doesn’t work out. Houston Country Club’s top tennis ball boy, Parker Joslin, could opt out of his current contract after the 2017 tennis season … And NOBODY picks up a tennis ball quicker than Clowney, as evidenced in his pro day.
2. St. Louis Rams: Greg Robinson – Not a sexy pick for the Rams, but hard to pass on a player who turned in an explosion rate of 8.74 in Cadaver Bum rush.
4. Cleveland Browns: Khalil Mack – Browns executives are ecstatic Mack falls to this spot. Mack celebrates his new destination by purposely shredding his ACL with a tire iron with hopes of re-entering the draft in 2015. CLEVELAND ROCKS!
5. Oakland Raiders: Dri Archer – Seems like the easiest pick on the board, but the 5-foot-7 running back from Kentucky posted a 4.26 forty time, fastest at the combine. This makes him the perfect obscure fourth-round-projected-pick the Raiders covet in round one. BONUS RAIDERS FLAG: He was academically ineligible in 2011.
6. Atlanta Falcons: (PICK REDACTED) – For confidentially purposes due to Ketterlen’s alleged relationship with the Falcons, this pick cannot legally be reported on BTSC.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Sammy Watkins – This is just a good value pick here.
8. Minnesota Vikings: Johnny Manziel – Anyone who thinks this kid will be a problem is crazy, as Manziel registered a 13 beer-to-puke ratio among quarterbacks tested during the Hangover Hurl in March … while wearing pads.
9. Buffalo Bills: Mike Evans – World famous for failing the Baby Toss drill earlier this year, Buffalo is the perfect landing spot for this wide receiver, where he can learn from the best that dropping important passes isn’t really his fault, #steviestillblamesgod.
10. Detroit Lions: Justin Gilbert – With no top 10 wide receivers left, the Lions do the sensible thing and take Oklahoma St cornerback Justin Gilbert to improve a woeful secondary … then baffle fans by announcing at the ensuing press conference they plan to convert Gilbert into a wide receiver.
11. Tennessee Titans: Jake Matthews – Much like the Titans organization, there is nothing glamorous about this pick, but it will probably work, somehow.
12. New York Giants: Jon Gruden -- The always savvy Giants draft head coach Tom Coughlin’s replacement a year early to ensure his rights; and let him ease into the position of trying to explain to the New York media and fan base during Monday Night Football the next year that the Giants are actually good and didn’t just get really luck twice under Coughlin.
13. St. Louis Rams: Eric Ebron – The Rams have never drafted a tight end in the first round in the history of their franchise … I bet you didn’t know that.
14. Chicago Bears: Aaron Donald – Such a great story, a young undersized kid who plays with a ton of heart, leads his high school team in tackles, sees his best friend die in a steel mill accident, quits football for like 4 years, struggles through community college to gain academic acceptance to a bigger school, walks on to the scout team, deals with his brother stealing his girl, finally is allowed to suit up for one real football game, gets to play in said game after the crowd emphatically chants his name, records a sack in his only real play and is carried off the field by teammates… and now is drafted by Chicago Bears.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers: Remember three months ago when everyone wanted Louis Nix III here? It was Rodney Ketterlen the I who stated Nix III wasn’t a first rounder in February after he failed the Laz-E-Boy test. Never forget! As for a pick … the wrong selection is Odell Beckham Jr (Kelvin Benjamin is better); the safe selection is Darqueze Dennard (he’s solid, but is who is he is now); the stereotypical selection is Zach Mettenberger (he’s a Roethlisberger clone in more ways than one) and the most-talented college player left selection is Anthony Barr (the kid can play). The pick: Dennard (finished fourth among defensive backs in the Ball-Hawk drill, which is nice).