The first annual NFL Super Bowl Roast

Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

With the Super Bowl less than two weeks away, it's fitting to roast some of the major players and dignitaries in the game.

It's that glorious time of year when the two best teams in the NFL have survived a long and trying postseason and will represent their respective conferences in the Super Bowl. With that in mind, I'd like to pay tribute to the two Super Bowl combatants, as well as the rest of the NFL with a little roast of the Seahawks, Broncos, and many other fine football dignitaries.

Yes sir, Super Bowl XLVIII is almost upon us, and I can hardly wait. In a little less than two weeks, thousands upon thousands of people will converge upon Steubenville, Ohio, for the big game. Oh, it's in East Rutherford, New Jersey? What, that's supposed to be better?

No seriously, it's a bold move by commissioner Roger Goodell and the NFL to host the Super Bowl in a cold weather city in an outdoor venue. I mean, how could there possibly be any backlash by the fans, players, coaches or the media if weather effects the game at all? I'm sure that won't happen.......

Anyway, after all the years the NFL has spent making sure its product stays on the up and up with regards to the sleazy underworld of the mob and gangsters--including not awarding any teams to the state of Nevada--it's good to know the league is hosting the event in a state without a huge gambling influence.

Anyway, I'd like to thank the Seahawks for defeating San Francisco and keeping an obnoxious, annoying and loud coach out of the Super Bowl......hey wait a minute!

No seriously, Pete Carroll, you're a great coach, really, complete with an upstanding and spotless record, and you always did things the right way while at USC. Speaking of which, Coach, Reggie Bush's mom wanted me to tell you she can't find the owner's manual to her 2003 Mitsubishi Mirage.....if that means anything to you.

I kid of course, because my fellow Steelers fans are definitely no strangers to coaching scandals. By the way, coach Tomlin, PennDot called and wanted me to ask you if you'd be willing to re-direct traffic this summer as part of their summer road construction crew.

Anyway, I'm happy for the Seahawks fans, most of all, because, really, who thought they had any? No, really, they have a loud and proud fan base that is never prone to whine or cry about anything.........

I'm sorry to say I have to root against Seattle in the Super Bowl, because it's one thing to be as loud as the Seahawks fans are, but it's quite another thing to be entitled and obnoxious, along with it.........no offense to the fans of New England.

It's OK, Patriots fans, I'm only kidding. Just sit there and keep telling yourselves, "We REALLY DID care about football around here, prior to 2001."

Don't worry, pitchers and catchers report in like three weeks.

Back to the Seahawks and their fans. I have a message from Ben Roethlisberger. Since he's matured a lot over the last few years and is much more honest and forthcoming, he wanted me to tell you that he really didn't cross the plane of the goal line and for you to go to hell.

No, really, Big Ben has matured a lot over the years, especially lately, and much of the credit probably has to go to offensive coordinator Todd Haley. Todd, baby, really, you've done a tremendous job with No. 7 since taking the reins from Bruce Arians. I know you've had your critics and all, but whatever it is you did to get Roethlisberger to buy in, seriously, much kudos to you.

Oh, by the way, Todd, if you're reading this, Ben said he's installed next year's playbook, and he wants you to memorize it before OTAs.

Anyway, when it comes to Super Bowl XL, I kind of feel sorry for Matt Hasselbeck, because all the controversy surrounding that game really took away from his marvelous play, and I mean that. As far as I'm concerned, Hasselbeck's performance at Ford Field was the greatest Super Bowl performance by a quarterback since the time Bubby Brister handed John Elway a cup of Gatorade during Super Bowl XXXIII.

Seriously, I have to cheer for Denver in the Super Bowl because can you imagine someone like Richard Sherman hoisting the Lombardi trophy?

Sherman is living proof that the NFL really needs to do much more research on head trauma.

I'm joking, of course. Richard, you're the best cornerback in the game today, and you deserve all the praise you've been receiving. Really, I mean that. To shut-down a receiver like Michael Crabtree, if ever there was a testament to your greatness, it was that. After all, Crabtree is the best receiver to don a 49ers uniform since......J.J. Stokes.

I kid you Richard, you're a marvelous, marvelous corner--you've told us that many times. By the way, Ike Taylor wanted me to tell you that all you did was break up a pass and not intercept it--he's made a career out of doing that--so you should probably get over yourself.

Anyway, I'm really rooting for Peyton Manning because he deserves it after all he's done in his career. Seriously. I mean, 65,000 yards and one ring. No football player has done so little with so many yards since the time Fred Taylor rushed for over 11,000 yards in his career and nobody noticed.

I tease people about the running game, of course, but we need the ground game in football, because without that, we wouldn't realize that passing is the most important thing in the game.

I'm just joking, Steelers fans. Just sit there and keep telling yourselves, "The fullback REALLY IS still relevant in 2014."

I kid Peyton, of course, but it would be nice to know that Eli isn't the only clutch player in the Manning clan.

Seriously, we owe a lot to Eli Manning in Pittsburgh for his two Super Bowl victories over the Patriots, because he's done more for the "Sixburgh" legacy than Bill Nunn and Art Rooney Jr., combined.

Eli's probably thinking, "I won two Super Bowls? I thought they were exhibitions."

Yes, you did, Eli.......way to follow up on both, by the way.

Anyway, it's OK, Eli. Just sit in the luxury box at MetLife Stadium in two weeks and keep telling yourself, "I REALLY AM as charismatic and marketable as my brother."

If Tom Brady is reading this, he's probably taking notes to use as bulletin board material next season. Yeah right. Like that's ever worked on anyone besides Anthony Smith.

Just sit there at home, Brady, and keep telling yourself, "People really DO care about Super Bowls that I won 10 years ago."

Anyway, the only thing I don't like about the Super Bowl is that there isn't a representative from the AFC North, like the Ravens last season. Really, I mean that, because I respect them so much, if Pittsburgh can't win it all, why not the Ravens, right?

Are you crazy!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the first annual NFL Super Bowl roast. Here's to a great build-up to the greatest sporting event in the country.

Go football!

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