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Heart of Darkness: Homer ventures into defeated Baltimore after the beatdown

Gregory Shamus

It began with a phone call this past Friday afternoon. "Do you want to play a background role in (redacted) on Monday? You will be a (redacted) in a couple of scenes. We will be shooting on location in downtown Baltimore." Homer quickly glanced at his schedule and saw that it was relatively open. "Sure. Just say when and where." Over the weekend, he got the good news that it would be a late-morning call, which meant no problem watching the Sunday night game and still getting a decent night's sleep. After watching the beatdown, Homer slept like a baby, with visions of Joe Greene and Big Ben's TD passes dancing in his head. Pleasant dreams, indeed. He got up Monday morning in plenty of time, and dressed in a dark suit, white shirt, Steeler cufflinks, and the black and gold Steelers' tie with the hypocycloids. He affixed his magnetic Steeler emblems on each door of his brand new silver Honda Accord, the one with 200 miles on it. And he headed off to Baltimore. As he drove the Baltimore-Washington Parkway, he saw any number of cars with Ravens' flags and decals. Glances were exchanged with other drivers more than once. Homer smiled - a lot. The B-W Parkway leaves you off on Russell Street, near the two stadiums and not far from the Inner Harbor and the historic U-S-S Constellation. Homer imagined that ship would be a wonderful place to hold a surrender ceremony, much like the one General MacArthur held on the U-S-S Missouri in Tokyo Bay. "I now invite the representative of the Baltimore Football Club to sign the instrument of surrender." We could then hold war crimes trials for Suggs and Upshaw, and perhaps for Harbaugh for his part in ordering the atrocities. Homer wound his way through the streets of Baltimore to the venue, and pulled his car into a parking garage. Homer walked from the garage to the building where the filming would take place. He passed several technicians wearing Ravens' jackets and sweatshirts. He made sure his Steelers' tie was visible. They saw the tie, but - apparently still shell-shocked - did not respond. Inside the cast holding room, several actors smiled broadly when they saw the tie and cufflinks. They were mostly Washington fans who - like Homer - hated the Ratbirds. One or two said they also liked the Steelers, who were their second-favorite team. Several eyebrows were raised and some eyes rolled among the Ravens fans in the cast holding room, and there was some discussion of the beatdown. There was much respect for Roethlisberger. All agreed it's the best rivalry in the NFL. You may be wondering why some things have been redacted from this dispatch. That's because we were required to sign a non-disclosure form. We cannot tell anyone about the venue, the plot, or anything else that would give away what's going to happen in this show. That's the way they do business and Homer wants to continue his rocketing to stardom in the exciting world of background acting, also known as human furniture. The wardrobe lady took a look at Homer and headed over to a rack of clothing. "I think a red, white, and blue tie would be more appropriate," she said, producing a rep tie for Homer to wear. There were a lot of smiles and some laughter in the room when Homer had to take off the Steeler tie. The Steeler cufflinks were allowed to stay. We worked - if you can call it that - till almost six o'clock. Work consists mostly of standing around and doing nothing, waiting for other people to get ready or do whatever it is they're supposed to do. Then, you actually do something for a minute or two, and you repeat it several times. That's it. It's sort of like being on a PennDOT crew. We also spent an hour at lunch, and it was there that it seemed like the Sunday night beatdown took a toll on the spirit of the city. Many of the production crew wore Ravens' jackets, sweaters, or polo shirts, and those crew members were subdued. The food, as always, was terrific, but there was very little conversation. Baltimore is a lot like Pittsburgh, but with a case of the crabs. It's an old, industrial city with wonderful, historic neighborhoods. Both are blue collar, working class cities. Baltimore is a harbor town. Pittsburgh is a river city. Both cities have a fierce love of their NFL teams. Baltimore had their beloved Colts stolen from them in the middle of the night by a greedy owner, and they have embraced their Ravens with complete loyalty. And a loss like Sunday's was like a punch in the gut. It left the entire city gasping for air. We finished up work and they let us go around six o'clock, and Homer put back on his Steelers' tie, suit jacket, and trench coat and headed back to his brand new car. He had a fleeting moment of panic, worrying that the hypocycloids might have enraged some Ravens fan to key or otherwise deface his new ride. Fortunately, the car remained pristine, and Homer got in, and drove out of town into the darkness. The voice on the radio sportstalk station was droning on about the poor play of the Baltimore secondary. The man said they simply didn't have the personnel to stop Big Ben and the young Steeler wideouts. Homer made a left turn and got on the road that leads to I-95 and back to Washington. He switched to XM Seriously Sinatra as he drove out of town, past the Stadiums, the Inner Harbor, and the U-S-S Constitution. "I now invite the representative of the Baltimore Football Team to sign the instrument of surrender." We also await some action by ONFLC Roger Goodell to address the war crimes of Messrs. Upshaw and Suggs. Maybe we will see the Ravens again in the playoffs. Maybe not. But it is, as Ravens' fans agree, still the best rivalry in the NFL. It's like Ali-Frazier, but at least twice a year, every year. We may hate each other, but there's also respect and a sense of history. And it's a wonderful feeling to spend a Monday in the heart of darkness, downtown Baltimore, the morning after a beatdown, savoring a Steeler victory. Homer envies those of you who spent a memorable Sunday night at Heinz Field. But there's also a certain quiet pleasure to going behind enemy lines, sowing confusion and defeatism amongst your adversaries.

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