PaVaSteeler, who has been missing from the pages of BTSC for quite a while now, apparently went deep undercover seeking answers to the question of "what has Colbert been doing?"
Unfortunately while outside a sketchy bar near M&T Bank stadium in Baltimore during the wee hours of the morning, supposedly to meet with Ian Rappaport's "credible source", PaVaSteeler allegedly stumbled across a group of Hunt's Ketchup representatives confronting an unnamed man in a white suit while trying blackmail the Ravens into removing Heinz as the team's official condiment. PaVaSteeler is still missing, but an anonymous witness allegedly saw a black limousine racing away from the scene and later found a leather satchel containing bottles of deer antler spray and a damaged flash drive with PaVa's initials on it.
A scrap of paper, found gumbanded around the flash drive, appears to be PaVa's "rosetta stone", translating the code names heard on the flash drive into the real names of individuals referenced either visually or audibly by PaVa during his investigation and saved to the drive:
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell...Roger Bar Sinister
A leading member of the NFL Players Association...NFLPA Lackey
Dead Wood...LaMarr Woodley
Ben Roethlisberger...Sweet QB Benji
Ian Rappaport...Dinah Myte Rappaport
While the video portion of the data has been too compromised to post here, the following transcript has been lifted from the drive by IT experts hired by BTSC's Managing Editor Neal Coolong. Coolong, who disavows any knowledge of what his staff writer has been up to all these months, nonetheless agreed to publish the following transcript under PaVa's byline.
[image of Kevin Colbert rushing out of the Steelers' South Side facility]: "There's no need to fear, Underdog is here!"
[Underdog cartoon show theme music]: "Buh buh Buh BUH Buh buh, Buh buh Buh BUH Buh buh, woo awoo, woo awoo, ahaa AHAA, AHAA ahaa"
[unseen male solo singer [PaVa???}]:
When payroll burdens this year appear
And risk the team we all do cheer
And threaten playoff chances we hold dear
The cry goes up both far and near
For Underdog! Underdog! Underdog! Underdog!
Team of constance, classy owners
Cap compliant? Hushing doubters
When the Nation in the headlines reads
Rappaport's yellow scribbled screed
Implying our QBs unfound greed
To right this wrong with blinding speed
Goes Underdog! Underdog! Underdog! Underdog!
Team of constance, classy owners
Cap compliant? Hushing doubters
[PaVa Steeler's deep baritone voice over apparently introducing the images to follow]: As the 2014 NFL year begins, Steeler Nation watches in horror as the evils of free agency and the dynasty-impeding effects of the salary cap wreak havoc on the Steelers' roster. Players drafted years before with the hope that someday they become starters instead disappear from the South Side as the Riff Raff of the NFL steal them away.
[Images of Steeler fans on the street, bemoaning the past two seasons of mediocre 8-8 results and no playoffs suddenly look to the sky and exclaim]:
"Look in the sky!"
"It's a plane; it's a bird....it's a frog!"
[Underdog]: "Not plane, nor bird, nor even frog...
It's just little old me....Underdog!"
[Voice over continues]: "Steeler Nation is being threatened yet again by the evil salary cap ceiling blocking its way to 7th Heaven, imposed by Roger Bar Sinister and his dull-witted henchman NFLPA Lackey. Our hero Underdog finds himself being crushed between Sinister's ceiling and the cellar of the AFC North..."
[Jostling fragmented nighttime images combined with glimpses of lighted windows and heavy breathing appear to indicate PaVaSteeler was trying to stealthily approach an abandoned warehouse somewhere in New York City, then camera goes dark]
[...Fade in to what appears to be Roger Bar Sinister's secret laboratory where he concocts his evil plans; we see Underdog being squished beneath Sinister's diabolical cap-space machine as Lackey looks on and Sinister operates the levers and rubs his hands together in evil glee]
[Sinister]: "Ahh yes, my loyal Lackey...now this is fun...this bothersome Underdog is finally done! No matter how high we set our cap, he crashes himself against it, wasting away his Lombardi powers!
[Lackey]: "D'uh...I did good, helpin' you, huh boss?"
[Sinister]: "Indeed you did, my gullible, compliant accomplice...cap goes up, cap stays flat, none of them ever knows really where it will be at!"
[Underdog out loud to the villains]: I am a hero who never fails/ I cannot be bothered with such details.
[Underdog, in a feeble whisper to the camera]: "Without my cap space pill/we grow weaker and weaker still..."
[Sinister]: "Now my fine Lackey, bind this pitiful pup up tight; with his own Ropes of Restructuring let him fight"
[NFLPA Lackey quickly ties up Underdog with Ropes of Restructured Contracts, which harms Underdog like kryptonite does Superman; in his rush to comply with his boss' orders (like he always does), NFLPA Lackey doesn't realize he's bumped a lever on Sinister's cap-space machine, raising the crushing ceiling higher; nor does he realize he fails to bind Underdog's left hand, leaving him access to his special ring. Lackey and Sinister turn their backs on Underdog, confident he can no longer threaten their plans]
[Underdog, realizing the crushing ceiling has risen, giving him room to maneuver, sits up and starts rubbing the edge of his ring against the Ropes of Restructuring ]:
"Though my payroll powers are almost nil/
For I have no cap space pill/
But with this sudden new found room/
If I can use my ring to cut these contracts, my roster will zoom!"
[Not realizing Underdog has broken free of his ropes, Sinister and Lackey wander off to see what other mischiefs they can perpetuate together. Underdog quickly grabs Sinister's spare machine parts and an engine block and begins furiously assembling something...]
"With these contract ropes no longer restricting me/
Shedding Dead Wood like LaMarr sets me free/
Now if I add a Thomas to my Heywood/
I'll have a powerful D-Line engine with a double overhead Cam/
That will really make opposing QBs scram/
Throw in a defensive back like Mitchell/
And opposing Tight Ends and WRs become sacrificial"
[Underdog takes his rebuilt roster engine and leaps into the air, smashing through the laboratory ceiling. Roger Bar Sinister and NFLPA Lackey come rushing back only to find our hero has escaped again!]
[Sinister]: "Lackey, you fool! You somehow gave Underdog room to escape, blast you!"
[Lackey]: "Uh, boss...only me and you control the cap-space machine, and I only did what you told me to do..."
[The last words heard from PaVaSteeler before his disappearance are voiced over the images of Roger Bar Sinister and his (sometimes) loyal henchman NFLPA Lackey arguing...the video fades to black]: "Our hero escapes again, but will he be in time to save the day? Now freed from the evil Ropes of Restructuring, can Underdog rescue Sweet QB Benji Purebred from media bomb throwing villains like Dinah Myte Rappaport? Will his new defensive engine be powerful enough to let the Steelers outrace the evil Ratbirds and Cleve the Dirty Brownie and propel the Steelers to 7th Heaven?....
[the remaining audio and video is too damaged and garbled to transcribe]...