FanPost

Ray Rice Gets Two-Week Leave For Good Behavior

http://www.thewhiskeyjournal.com/nfl-player-takes-two-weeks-spend-time-family/

BALTIMORE - Ravens running back Ray Rice has received two weeks off at the beginning of the National Football League season due to good behavior, Commissioner Roger Goodell announced.

The Raven’s star player, who can bench press 400 pounds, said that he will use the time to stay at home with his new wife, Janay Palmer, and their two-year-old daughter. Rice and his wife were married in May after an unconventional pre-wedding honeymoon at an Atlantic City casino in February.

"This break could not come at a better time for Rice and his family," stated Raven’s team doctor Andrew Tucker. "Ray’s wife has been having some health problems recently, including bouts of unconsciousness."

Commissioner Goodell, one of the most powerful executives in sports, announced at a press conference that he decided to reward Rice for his commitment to his family.

"Ray is a fantastic player and we need more dedicated individuals like him that keep their heads on straight, not guys that drive under the influence of pills and alcohol while doing drugs and sex crimes, selling merchandise for Adderall while they’re still in college before killing fellow teammates with their car, and then trying to remove cocaine from a crime scene where a woman overdosed, after being involved in fatal stabbings and justice obstruction," Goodell shouted, while doing pushups in a suit behind the podium.

Rice took to Twitter to address fans about his two-week vacation, tweeting, "Gonna focus on family 4 awhile. Just happy 2 have a supportive wife as we continue to drag each other thru life #blessed #family1st #elevateurself"

The running back will miss games against the Browns and Steelers, but he will be back to play all games in October, when the NFL celebrates Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

"The NFL’s Crucial Catch program encourages chicks to get titty twisters, and doesn’t have anything to do with catching someone under their arms as they fall lifeless to the floor," said Goodell, breaking a water pitcher with his elbow pit.

Goodell also emphasized the importance of breast cancer survivors getting regular mammograms, shaking a crumpled up document in his hand that was later discovered to be a recent study stating that the disease recurs in 15% of women.

"That number is way less than 35%," grunted Goodell, "which is the rate of re-offense by domestic wife beaters."

When questioned by NBC Sports’ Michele Latafoya about inconsistencies in his handling of the league’s personal conduct policy, Goodell attempted to spit in the reporter’s mouth. The commissioner then finished his creatin shake and exited through a wall.

Ken Barnard despises violence but enjoys watching football.

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