Saturday night, as the Steelers preseason opener in New York was nearing halftime, I decided to venture over to a nearby Chinese buffet for some take-out.
I was like a machine--no wasted motion as I entered the establishment, took the Styrofoam container from the person at the counter, filled it with all kinds of bad stuff, paid, and then exited--but by the time I made my way back to my apartment, I was annoyed to discover that the second half was already a few minutes old.
Heck, back in 1989, I could have made it back in time to catch the late, great Pete Axthelm wearing his anti-Steelers bias on his sleeve during some halftime show--and with minutes to spare. (I may be paranoid, but back when Cris Collinsworth and Phil Simms were still playing in the NFL and only dreaming of someday being able to display their anti-Steelers biases to national audiences, Axthelm was showing them the playbook.)
Anyway, the reason I say what I say about '89 is it was the last year that the clock stopped when a ball-carrier went out of bounds during the entire game (not just inside two and five minutes of the first and second half, respectably) and halftime was actually 15 minutes long. Before the 1990 season, the rules committee (or whatever it was called back then) decided that the games needed to be shorter for no reason whatsoever, which led to things like 13 minute halftimes and, 25 years later, to me missing the opening of Saturday night's second half.
Rules. There are just way too bleepin' many, as I've said numerous times since Ryan Succop missed that field goal in Week 17 of last year.
Speaking of rules and kickers, during Saturday night's roster trial and error that is August football, I got to witness the NFL's current two week preseason experiment of trying extra points from the 15 yard line. I didn't like it very much (at least I didn't like how it made me feel).
As Shaun Suisham lined up to kick an extra point following a fourth quarter touchdown return by linebacker Howard Jones (speaking of experiments), I had an anxious feeling like he could actually miss or something. OK, it was a preseason game, so the anxiety was akin to how one might feel during that scene in Halloween when Jamie Lee Curtis is begging those kids to open the front door because Michael Myers, who is not displaying Dri Archer speed in his pursuit, is walking across the street with intent to vanquish her. (You know Myers is too stupid to catch her, but you want to feel scared because you rented the movie on Netflix.)
Suisham made the experimental extra point, but what happens if the NFL decides to adopt the longer distance for real in a year or so? Are fans supposed to feel anxious during every single extra point?
I don't know what data will push the NFL to make this permanent (too many misses or too many makes), but whatever it is, I want the opposite to happen.
Why did the NFL decide to go ahead with such an experiment? Because place kickers were just getting way too good at extra points, what with only five misses in over 1,200 attempts a year ago. The leagues wants to add excitement and drama to the play. Yeah, it would be exciting, but only to the fans of the team whose kicker misses the extra point with everything on the line.
Seriously, those guys get enough grief; is the NFL prepared for the harassment and permanent psychological damage a kicker will no doubt endure if he costs his team an important game after missing an extra point? There is some poor kid in the eighth grade right now who is probably playing soccer and has no idea that his talents will someday lead him to the NFL as a place kicker and will also lead him to mental and emotional trauma that he'll be discussing on Outside the Lines in 50 years.
What about you? If you're like me, you no doubt have an unhealthy reaction to heartbreaking losses. Can you live with the memories of a playoff game that is lost by one point thanks to a kicker missing the equivalent of a 32 yard field goal? (Suisham missed two field goals from 30something yards in one game last year, and he missed one from 37 yards Saturday night.)
Really, the NFL is fine. It's like every year, the league is the football equivalent of Fleetwood Mac's Rumours. And every offseason the Competition Committee keeps doing its damnedest to hand us Tusk--a fine album, but didn't Lindsey Buckingham experiment with spoons and buckets or whatever?
Leave Suisham alone!