Programming note: Mr. OPS is the subject of an interview with Brian Spaeth, formerly the genius behind Yaysports! and now of Brian's Thoughts About Airplanes, which is home to one of the top 5 URLs in all of Blogfrica. It's the Tim Tebow of URLs. Link to the brief but beautiful interview is right here. In it we discuss jokes, Blogfrica, and that no good, two-faced son of a bitch Mark Eaton. I'll get you yet, Eaton! You hear me?! I'LL GET YOU YET!

Mr. Spaeth also recently released a book, Prelude to a Super Airplane. If you see what you like and you like what you see, drop him an email and say that BHGP sent you; he'll reward you with a $5 discount code. He may also send you porn. Don't fight it.

Last, mad props to Miss G, one of the five most indispensible Blogfricans, without whom I never would have known about BTAA. Also, she ordered me to shout her out for that very fact in the interview, but I totally spaced on it.

Wow, that's a lot of links.

Word on the street is that recruiting coordinator/LB coach Eric Johnson might be headed to Alabama (update 2 for 1/6/09) to replace outgoing defensive coordinator "associate head coach and head defensive coach" (cough bullshit he's a DC cough) Kevin Steele, who's off to Clemson for some reason.

As Morehouse notes, Johnson's position at Iowa has been likened to that of a GM, as the majority of his duties go to recruiting. Now, there are plenty of DUR-HUR-HUR types out there who happen to hate Iowa's recruiting, so this news may not exactly aggrieve them. They don't seem to care that Ricky Stanzi, Andy Brodell, Julian Vandervelde, Bradley Fletcher, Tyler Sash, and (sigh) Brett Greenwood are all starting over more highly rated players out of HS; championships are won on Rivals.com damn it waaahhhhhhhh!

All the same, Johnson is a veteran coach, and evidently one that Nick Saban (no slouch, he) holds in high regards. Losing any longtime member of the coaching staff always hurts, especially for the players in the coach's unit (Oh, grow up.). But if this goes through and EJ joins the Tide, we have one request: replace him with someone who can hit a power chord like he fucking means it:

That is some Grade-A wankery right there. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS HE WEARING. Yes, it's supposed to be a classic, that "Cliffs of Dover," but if I wanted to listen to someone noodle around with a 5-string like he's trying not to wake his dad up, I'd pick up some fucking Dream Theater. May we suggest, for Eric Johnson's replacement, a Mr. Jerry Cantrell?

Yes, this will be much better. And speaking of Eric Johnson, motherfuck his G3 pal, Joe Satriani. There are few unforgivable acts of music, but the backing track to this damn thing is one of them. Just for that, I will forget my power towel.

"...so that means zero bars out here in Bhopal..."

(youtube unrelated)

Do you guys remember in Ferentz's first or second season (you know, the lean years), right after the last game of the year (loss, natch), where some obscure offensive lineman was telling every reporter afterwards that Ferentz would have the Hawkeyes back in the Rose Bowl in 4 years or something like that? Do you guys remember who it was? I last remembered about 3 years ago, and Google was barely helpful even when I had the kid's name; now it's impossible. I've been racking my brain over this for about 48 hours and it is killing me. Winner gets a pecan sandie that I found on the floor of my friend's apartment. No wait, I ate that. Winner gets a three-seconds-too-long hug.

It is worth disclosing that we were rooting for Utah to beat Alabama tonight. Not only do we find Nick Saban particularly loathsome, but we appreciate any chance for the BCS as a staff, label and as a motherfuckin' crew to get clowned, and this was far more decisive than any number of trick plays for Boise vs. Oklahoma. Boise was an upset. Utah was an ass-kicking. And the Orange Bowl was an abortion.

But one curious aspect of the situation has been the Ohio State fans' reaction. They seem absolutely delighted by Alabama's predicament, and for the life of me, I can't imagine why.

Imagine, if you will, this scenario. BCS Conference team makes a habit of winning more games than most figured they would, especially with some uncertainty at the quarterback position. When faced with a game against the top team in the conference, they lose a tough, close game (in which they led in the 4th quarter, mind you), but their overall record of dominance was enough to land them a BCS spot.

Am I talking about Alabama? Or Ohio State?

Aha! Nobody will deny Bama's worthiness in this fucked-up 10-team system and doomed-to-failure two-team playoff. But then there's Ohio State, who limped in so feebly to the BCS that you'd think they'd protect every avenue they used to get in.

Those thoughts would be wrong, however; here are the only three OSU sites we saw tonight, titles and content complelely within the implied context. As if it were debatable anyway. Try to find the common theme:

Our Honor Defend: LOL Tide LOL

Eleven Warriors: Come Delight With Us In Bama's Misfortunes

Men of the Scarlet and Grey: aLOLbama

Yeah, it's obvious. And it doesn't make any sense in the big picture.

Look, in this whack, fucked up, unfair setup of a BCS system, Ohio State walked into the last BCS spot (and got all that BCS cheddar) over Boise State. The reasoning was that 1) Ohio State will sell more tickets (true, we'll assume, until any shred of evidence suggests otherwise) and that 2) the Buckeyes would present a better fight than Boise State, who was 12-0 before losing a profoundly entertaining 17-16 fight against TCU.

While #1 is probably more pertinent, it's less enjoyable to gloat on; if bowl selections were purely football-related, jNW would have beaten out Iowa for the Outback and we really couldn't have protested much. Resorting to ticket sales is an admission that your team doesn't win on the merits, and arguing pocketbooks is a strictly joyless venture after that. So Ohio State should have wanted every reason to be picked over the Broncos because, well, Ohio State earned it, right? Is that not the CW?

So, then, why in god's name would a team like OSU not root like hell for Alabama? Why in the HELL would OSU fans rather root for an undefeated mid-major team to knock off a 2nd place, completely-at-large BCS conference team when they're about to be on the other side of the seesaw and they've engendered even less goodwill than the Tide? How is a fandom that short-sighted?! Look, if you guys really wanted to be taken seriously in the BCS (which when facing the first alternate for the tile is not exactly easy), the absolute LAST advisable course of action is rooting for a mid-major with impeccable accomplishments over a BCS team whose resume is much more like the Buckeyes'.

Or, put most simply, if you are an at-large BCS Conference team selected over a mid-major conference champion for the last BCS Bowl bid, you should really, really reconsider rooting for a mid-major conference champion to beat an at-large BCS Conference opponent. No surprise to those most familiar with OSU fans, but you're just embarrassing yourselves otherwise.

So your program has just registered its biggest win in about the last five years or so. Yes, we Iowans know a bit about that. Take some advice from us, turn this on, and turn the volume up as high as it goes.

And when it says get naked? Goddamn right get naked. Move your feet and feel united, whoa oh oh.

Cheers, guys. Here's hoping this win was one more javelin run through the BCS as a concept, playoff system, and as a mothereffin' crew.

And yet I am uncontrollably compelled to post it.

Besides, it had been days since we last used the "gratuitous wwf" tag, and I am not about to let the new year ring in with a prolonged dry spell.

[Terrorist Fist Jab: Mark "The Shark" Quinn, Ohio State benchwarmer and owner of Club Trillion, the finest college basketball blog EVER.]

Um, no.

This is a PR victory for Tampa!

All right, people. This weird, wonderful, terrible and exciting 2008 season is coming to an end. It's probably our last chance to watch Shonn Greene in the black and gold, unless Pittsburgh drafts him in April. Let us hail all the heroes from this season:

Mitch King: You were fucking awesome and I don't think I can craft any words to state it any better than that. There's usually a letdown to highly hyped senior campaigns, but 2008 was your opus. Congrats to Iowa's finest defensive lineman since Jared DeVries.

Matt Kroul: And you, sir, are the second-finest defensive lineman here since Jared DeVries. Thank you for, in conjunction with your formerly-well-coiffed cohort, completely eliminating opposing running games between the tackles. Kroul and Unusual Punishment was an incredible success.

Pat Angerer: Thank you for not quitting, and in the process turning into an all-conference linebacker. Iowa has always featured a stout defense, and this is no exception, but most people anticipated the ILB position would be a weakness after Humpal and Klinkenborg graduated. Instead, it was probably the best part of the defense after the DT.

Amari Spievey: Likewise, thank you for not giving up on the Hawkeye dream. You'll be rightly rewarded with an all-conference spot next year.

Shonn Greene: Jesus, man. You're just rewriting history at Iowa at this point. One more phenomenal game is all we ask. Congrats and big ups.

Brandon Myers: Yes, "Next Man In" is the Iowa motto, but just because it's what Ferentz preaches doesn't make your 2008 any less heroic. Most teams don't have a backup TE turn into the most important receiver on the roster, but most teams don't have Brandon Myers. Here's hoping you get an NFL deal out of it; lord knows you earned it.

The entire offensive line: You were all most mansome, which was a pleasant surprise after 2007. We went from 46 sacks to, what, 15? 20 maybe? Even when the most celebrated member of the group (Seth Olsen) went down with that tweaked ankle, Andy Kuempel was awesome in his stead; remember that Shonn Greene went for 211 and 4 scores against Wisconsin, and most of it was to Kuempel's side, if not straight through his gap. Kick one more set of asses and put a fine cap on the season.

GO HAWKS OR GET HERPES. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi, I'm fake Shonn Greene. I'm Iowa's starting tailback, as you probably know. This year has been pretty good. It's been very good. Heck, it's better than the coaches, my family, or I could have ever asked for. Setting Iowa's record for rushing yards in my first full season in the black and gold? That's pretty sweet.

I drive Oops Pow Surprise crazy because I'm impossible to make fun of. When I celebrate, it is brief, unplanned, and sincere; I'm always happy when I score touchdowns, but I worked much too hard to get back on the field to go around embarrassing myself or my family. Likewise, I never say anything stupid or selfish to the media. I give credit to my offensive line first because they deserve it more than I do. I'll let other people decide how good I am, that's not my thing, but I do know it's really easy to play tailback when nobody touches me until I'm six yards past the line and the only thing between me and the end zone is some terrified safety who's 40 pounds lighter than I am.

I think a lot of that comes from my family. They're not overly strict or anything, but they'll be the first to tell me if I'm misbehaving. I don't begrudge them for it; in fact, most people my age need a more active family when it comes to keeping egos in check.

Anyway, I love Iowa, maybe more than is logical. Most schools wouldn't get a guy to stick around town once he's ineligible. Especially not if it involves working at some furniture place for a handful of bucks per hour. It was really easy to get distracted and cynical during that year; the vast majority of people who get declared academically ineligible never come back, you know? But I stuck with it, even when I was getting fat from not working out with the team. I didn't care (okay, a little) if I didn't crack the depth chart, I just wanted to make sure I stuck to it. And now here I am.

And what a group of fans to play for. Here we are at the beach party, and I'm getting all the attention. Being a superstar isn't really part of my personality, but here we are and it is happening.  That's fine. Just let me get to the Gulf and let it all wash over me. One moment of solitude with the vastness of nature so I can contemplate the last three months and what it means for me and my family and my future. And it would be a whole lot easier to focus on my thoughts if you guys would leave your motherfucking shirts on.

Look, I lived in Iowa too. I didn't go somewhere warm, even though I could have. I prefer to think of warm winter days as a reward, rather than a normality; you live with luxury enough and it spoils you. I'm too young to get spoiled. Let me get that NFL money first.

But at the same time, unlike all of you Iowans, my skin isn't a sickly, horrific shade of pink. And I still kept my damn shirt on out here! You guys can't do the same thing for me?! Hey, I appreciate the adulation, but it would be a whole lot easier to take if it wasn't coming from a bunch of pasty men whose nipples are sizzling like some hairy pepperonis. Ain't a damn thing appetizing about that, either.

You. Look at you. How much do you weigh, old man? I'm sorry, "245"? Bullshit. I'm 230, and I don't have C-cup man cans like you. Do babies suck on those if you're holding them? Put your damn shirt back on.

And you! You have white chest hairs! Don't they have "Just For Men: Saggy Titty Edition" for that shit? C'mon, man. It's cool you bought season tickets and then flew down here from Duluth or whatever, but that doesn't give you permission to fawn over your favorite players with your giant old man nipples out. Just wear some Hawaiian shirt or whatever they hand out to dudes when they turn 50.

All right, sorry. My grandma wouldn't like me talking like this. I'll stop now. But for real, thanks for all the love, and put your fucking shirts back on.