Comparing Steelers Place Kickers to Old Girlfriends

Bump, bump. Got to reward fun, tasteful creativity like this. Many thanks to Anthony for being such a vocal contributor lately, but a special tip of the cap for this, his to-date pièce de résistance. Well done by him. - Michael Bean -


Matt Bahr was the Steelers' placekicker when I started following them. Bahr was like that girl you called your "girlfriend" when you were about 9 years old, but she wasn't really your girlfriend. I mean, you were only 9. Your parents thought it was cute that you had a little friend like that and they'd often take you over to her house so you guys could have little play dates. It was just so adorable. You may have even shared your first kiss with her on the swings at the playground. But eventually, she moved out of the neighborhood and you never saw her again.

And then there was David Trout. He was like the girl you went to the movies with once in the 6th or 7th grade. She probably liked you more than you liked her. You were kind of a jerk to her because she wore braces and smelled like raspberries. It didn't really last long.

Ah, but then there was Gary Anderson. He was like your high school sweetheart. You met her during your freshman year and the two of you were together always. You were practically married even though you were only teenagers and still in high school. You considered her family your family and vice versa. You continued to date her all throughout college and the two of you often talked about getting married. There was no doubt this was going to be the girl you spent the rest of your life with. Sadly, however, she wanted to study abroad after college. You didn't want her to go, but you knew that it was very important to her. You didn't want to do the long-distance thing, so you just parted ways. It was the most difficult thing you ever had to do. No matter what, you'll always consider her your soulmate.

And who could forget about Norm Johnson? Norm was like that woman you met while on a Caribbean cruise. You had a wonderful couple of weeks with her. You both knew it couldn't really go any further than that, but it was fun, and you often find yourself thinking of her and smiling.

Then there was Kris Brown. He was like the really attractive girl you dated once you got into your mid-twenties or so. At first glance, she was everything you were looking for, and you had so much in common with her. However, over time, you realized that you really didn't have much in common. And she was kind of possessive and wanted to monopolize all of your time. She even made you get rid of your friends. Finally, you have enough of this head case. I mean, looks only go so far. You dump her and move on.

After that, it was Todd Peterson. The blind date from hell. What were your friends thinking?

And, finally, there's Jeff Reed. Reed is like that girl you met while out at a bar. You didn't go to the bar to meet women. That's not your style. You were just there to have a good time with your friends. Besides, you didn't even feel like dating any more. You've practically sworn off relationships. But the more you talk to this girl, the more you like her. Yeah, sure, she's not really your type, but she's so much fun. She even hits it off with your friends. Just a really cool girl.

The two of you start to date, and before long, you're going out every night. You can't believe that you've fallen for this girl. She's so much different than every girl you've ever met. You introduce her to your family, and they like the fact that she's a little off the beaten path. Besides, she's so attractive and smart, and loves you. Your happiness is the only thing your family is concerned with. The relationship starts to get more and more serious, and one day you decide that she's the woman you want to spend your life with, and soon, you're married.

Things are great in the beginning, but conflict soon arises because she still likes to go out and party practically every night, and you're at the point where you want to settle down and have a family. After all, you are in your 30's now and so is she. You fight about it, but at the end of the day, you still love her and when you're with her, life is good. Sadly, however, as the years go by, she's still hanging out at the bars, and you hardly ever see her. In the beginning, you could always count on her being there for you, but now, you never see her and you can't depend on her any longer. You're also fearful that she's becoming an alcoholic. You confront her about it, but she has no interest in changing and she tells you that it's all your fault.

Part of you still wants to save the marriage, but it takes two and she just isn't willing. Time goes by and now you start to resent her, and the two of you barely speak at all. And when she does talk to you, it's nothing but put downs and insults. Plus, you start to suspect that she's having an affair. And how could you not? She's never home at all any more. You no longer have any interest in saving the marriage and you just want out. You wait and wait for her to screw up one more time, and when she finally does, it's the out you need. You serve her divorce papers and kick her to the curb. Sure, it's an ugly divorce, but you're better off apart and you move on.

The end.

The opinions shared here are not those of the editorial staff of Behind the Steel Curtain or SB Nation. These posts are not approved in any way by the editorial staff of this web site.