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Ravens McKinnie Questionable With "Weight Problem"

McKinnie mug
McKinnie mug

In wake of Sunday's Week 1 opener, Baltimore's GM Ozzie Newsome announced newly acquired LT Bryant McKinnie has been upgraded to 'questionable,' with a 'weight problem,' a step above the 'shockingly fat' prognosis he received in Minnesota. 

The Vikings released the one-time Pro Bowl, one-time Pro Bowl-kicked-off-of tackle this preseason when he tipped the scales at 400 pounds. 

"Bryant is questionable with a weight issue right now," Newsome said. "We're working with him day-to-day to see if we can't get the problem fixed, but it's questionable for Week 1. 

Newsome wondered how the Vikings let McKinnie go, deeming the problem being more on their side than on the Ravens. 

"The Vikings scales must be different than ours," Newsome said. "I'm not sure what they're looking at, but it might explain their last season."

First-year Vikings coach Leslie Frazier declined to comment specifically about the quality of the scales at Vikings Headquarters in Winter Park, but pointed out the NFL issued a gag order barring all teams from discussing the Brad Childress Era in Minnesota. 

McKinnie will start at left tackle in Baltimore, just a few weeks after he was signed by the defending AFC North Runners-Up.

The Ravens, who lost to the Steelers in the AFC Divisional playoffs - meaning the Steelers played two more games than Baltimore did last year - are looking to replace Michael Oher, who had a book about him written, explaining in-depth why he's the next great left tackle in the game.

Oher played two seasons and left tackle, and will move to the non-blind-side right tackle position this season.

Asked if McKinnie was able to reduce his weight to the non-morbidly obese level of at most 290 pounds, Ravens coach Jim John Harbaugh said, "We saw tapes of Bryant smacking the heads of South Beach bouncers at 360 pounds just a few years ago, we feel he can hit James Harrison with the same amount of force.

Harbaugh declined to comment when asked if he felt the fact Harrison cannot be stopped by conventional weapons, and will be wearing a helmet, might make him change his stance. 

"If Bryant doesn't want to play in the Pro Bowl, that's fine," That Non-Coached-Andrew-Luck-Harbaugh Who Coaches continued. "It's not like we had any better options. I didn't see Max Starks mixing salads into his diet either."

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said "The standard is the standard," and left the meeting with reporters on the South Side Saturday afternoon. 

McKinnie says he feels fine, and all recent charges the media may not be aware of have been dropped. He also pointed out he played tennis this off-season with Serena Williams. Appearing confused, McKinnie didn't comment on his choice of Williams, who hadn't played competitively in a year leading into this year's U.S. Open. 

Please note this is a joke, and is meant to be taken as a point of comedy in our beloved Ravens/Steelers Week.