clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Little Benjamin Roethlisberger's first 18 years

What Benjamin Roethlisberger's first 18 years could be like.

Justin Edmonds

Day four

While changing Little Ben, Mrs. Roethlisberger is a little concerned about a skin rash, so she makes a quick visit to see the pediatrician. After examining the little fella, the doctor proclaims that it's the worst case of diaper rash she has ever seen and warns Mama Roethlisberger that her son probably won't sleep through the night for at least a week. However, much to the amazement of his parents, Little Ben sleeps through the night for a week straight and doesn't show the slightest bit of discomfort, even during Mom and Dad's first post-birth romantic evening together. He sleeps through injuries and comes through in the clutch. My kind of baby.

Year two

It's Christmas time in Pittsburgh, and the Roethlisbergers take Little Ben to have his picture taken with Santa. Every kid in line cries hysterically as soon as they sit on Santa's lap. When it's Little Ben's turn, there is fear that he'll react much the same way. Miraculously, however, the little guy doesn't whimper one bit, even though John Shumway and other news reporters are off in the distance, snapping pictures and screaming, "Ben, how's Little Ben feel about visiting Santa for the first time?" What toughness. I know I'd cry.

Year seven

It's Little Ben's first day in second grade, and for some reason, Mrs. Roethlisberger sends him to school with a Justin Bieber lunchbox. All day long, Little Ben is mocked and even roughed up by the other kids when they spot his lunchbox, but he manages to make it through the entire day in one piece and refuses to throw his mom under the bus. Instead, he says, "Hey, I don't think my mom gets enough credit for her taste in music."

Year 12

Mama Roethlisberger has been after Little Ben for weeks to clean his room and throw his old toys away. However, the little guy is sentimental and simply refuses to ever throw anything away. Not his shoes, his old video games, and certainly not his old, beat up football. Upon seeing this old football still sitting there in Little Ben's room, his mom snaps and screams, "Throw it away like I told you! Get rid of the ball! You've held onto this ball for way too long!"

Year 18

It's Little Ben's last game of high school football. Much like his dad, Junior is the quarterback for his team, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as he passes for 300 yards and a couple of touchdowns. After the game, the Roethlisbergers rush over to their son to congratulate him. When they ask him how it felt to have such a great game, Little Ben proudly says, "Hey, I was doing my best out there. The guys were protecting me. I know I had two broken arms, but I wanted to be out there with my teammates, fighting to bring home a victory." Upon hearing this, Big Ben rushes over to the coach, completely outraged that he'd let his son play with two broken arms. When the coach is confronted with this, he says, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Befuddled, the Roethlisbergers take their son to the doctors to have his arms x-rayed and are pretty angry when they discover that he only had a couple of bruises. Mrs. Roethlisberger asks her husband how their son could be so misleading about an injury, and Big Ben says, "I don't know. He must have learned it from you, honey."