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Steelers Free Agency, Week 1: One fan's reaction timeline

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A (mostly) satirical look at one fan's reactions to the rather dubious first week of NFL free agency for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Joe Sargent

Tuesday, March 12th

4pm: NFL free agency begins.

4:51pm: Mike Wallace signs five year, $60 million deal with tampering, my Asomugha!

8:42pm: I take a "Pro-Wallace"-stance in the comments section on BTSC, and I write what I think are very convincing arguments for why losing him will be bad in the long-run.

8:44pm: I patiently wait for at least one of my comments to turn green.

8:51pm: I realize the overriding hate for Wallace takes the top off of any "pro" defense I could possibly come up with.

9:02pm: I click on the post about Beanie Wells possibly coming to Pittsburgh. At first, the thought of it is intriguing. Jerome Bettis played in St. Louis before coming to Pittsburgh, and the Cardinals once resided in St. Louis. I begin to draw parallels in my mind: "Wells has had injury issues, but they thought the Bus had an injured attitude before he came to the Steelers, and that certainly wasn't true."

9:04pm: I'm already talked out of it before I get halfway through the comments, and by the end, I have visions of Duce Staley standing on the sidelines in gray sweats. This then leads me to thinking about the end of Super Bowl XL, and how Coach Cowher said to Duce, "Sorry I couldn't get you a carry, but at least I got you a ring." And Duce is all, "Hey, that's all that matters." But if I was Staley, I'd be like, "Come on, Coach, at least let me get in for the "Victory" formation. I mean, for God's sake, you even let Verron Haynes play!"

9:07pm: I ask Greig Clawson salary cap questions because I never understand the salary cap. And even though he explains it to me and I say, "I understand that, thanks," I really don't understand.

9:09pm: I realize that anytime I have a question about salary cap issues, I ask BTSC's own Greig Clawson. Up yours, Mike Florio!

Wednesday, March 13th

6:03am: I hear on the radio that the Steelers are set to release Willie Colon. I jump up and begin to write a "breaking news" piece for BTSC when I realize Neal Coolong is already doing that. Damn it! If anyone should be writing about Colon's release, it's me!

6:06am: I activate my Ramon Foster facebook fan page. The first pic is of him being injury-free and dependable, baby!

7:52am: Pittsburgh signs native son, Bruce Gradkowski, to be back-up quarterback. I'm pleased with this.

7:53am: I realize the only way this move could really pay dividends is after a serious injury to Ben Roethlisberger.

7:54am: I become nauseated.

12:19pm: Rashard Mendenhall signs with the Cardinals. I start to yearn for Wells again, but then I remember that facebook date I had in the summer when I was really lonely, and my yearning quickly disappears and my nausea reappears.

5:01pm: Steelers sign long-snapper Greg Warren to new deal.......doesn't help nausea.

Thursday, March 14th

12:02pm: I come up with a pretty cool idea for a blog post: Wouldn't it be neat if Ryan Mundy, a local kid, is the only player to salvage the otherwise disastrous 2008 draft by becoming a solid safety who goes on to eventually replace Ryan Clark or Troy Polamalu?

12:08pm: Mundy signs with the Giants? He blows! New York is stupid. Good riddance, No. 29!

12:59pm: Keenan Lewis signs with the Saints, and his base salary next year will only be $1 million? It's all good, Tony. Remember, you must keep having faith.

Friday, March 15th

11:32am: I take solace in the fact that the Steelers still have two-thirds of "Young Money," as well as the newly re-signed Plaxico Burress to help solidify their receiving corps.

3:20pm: Emmanuel Sanders may or may not have an offer sheet from the New England Patriots.

3:22pm: I go into a coma and have visions of Sanders being a first round pick in many future fantasy football drafts because he'll be the next Wes Welker and catch 880 passes by 2016.

5:23pm: I come up with the phrase "One Money" to commemorate the possible departure of the second third of the famous receiving trio.

5:24pm: I realize "One Money" isn't really that funny.....and that my eight year old niece thought of it first.

5:26pm: I google "'Are you smarter than a fifth grader?"

5:34pm: I'm not.

6:32pm: I try to convince myself that Burress, a 35 year old receiver who spent two years in prison, possibly being the most talented receiver on the team next season is a good thing, and I begin to write a "big picture" article explaining my rationale.

6:34pm: I give up due to mysterious writer's block.

9:06pm: Former Steelers tight end Matt Spaeth is back in the fold and current once again.

9:10pm: I come "this" close to countering my very own "Having Faith in the Pittsburgh Steelers" article with one titled: "Screw Faith! Cut everyone and sign Elvis Dumervil!"........even a faithful man can only take so much.

9:30pm: I pop in a DVD of Super Bowl XIII. At least they didn't have free agency back then.