Steelers vs. Texans, Week 16: Bizarre and bold predictions from a Black-and-gold mind

Nobody could have predicted actually how crazy the conclusion of the Pats game would be. A fiction writer couldn’t have written something that far-fetched. So, I’ll scour the recesses of my brain trying to predict the Steelers’ future.

My predictions were really off-base all the way around, but I remain resilient and will give it another shot with the latest realistic and bizarre batch of Bold Predictions from a Black-and-gold Mind: Christmas Edition.

• Joe Haden's return gives the Steelers’ secondary a boost, but rust is evident as DeAndre Hopkins gains 150 receiving yards.
• JuJu Smith-Schuster scores a touchdown, but is penalized for acting out all twelve days of Christmas in the end zone.
• T.J. Watt victimizes LT Julie'n Davenport for a strip sack of another T.J....Yates.
• Fearing that his brother's sack dance isn't nearly dorky enough, J.J. Watt rushes the field and shows his brother the true way to cut a rug. Overbite and all.
• Le'Veon Bell eclipses 200 overall yards against the decimated Texans’ defense.
• Todd Haley yells at Ben Roethlisberger upon realizing that his quarterback was his Secret Santa and merely got him a pack of Pokémon cards and wintergreen Tic-Tacs.
• After being snubbed for the Pro Bowl, Cam Heyward sacks Yates twice.
• The Steelers struggle in the first half, but pull away in the second stanza and win 31-23.

Very few of these will be right, but the scenarios in my head might happen—in some alternate universe.