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The Internal Steelers Struggle: Week 4 vs. Ravens

The voices in my head can’t wait to move on from the debacle in Chicago, because it’s Ravens week.

Pittsburgh Steelers v Chicago Bears
It was that kind of game for the Steelers.
Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Once again, it’s time for that weekly chat inside my own head between Me (rational and steady), Myself (irrationally homeristic to a fault) and I (who wouldn’t know an intelligent thought if it hit him in the face, but has remarkably good comedic timing). This week, we lament the loss to the Bears before moving on to the Steelers’ week-four trek to Baltimore.

What in the world just happened?!

Myself: [Matter-of-factly] It was an early-season trap game. Happens every year.

Me: [Looks curiously at Myself]

Myself: Let’s face it — if you’re going to lose a game, the best one you can lose is the out-of-conference road game.

Me: [Looks worried] Are you telling me you aren’t upset?

Myself: Nope.

Me: You...aren’t angry the Steelers lost?

Myself: It’s just football, bro.

Me: [Looks at I] Code red! Code red! Myself has gone off the deep end!

I: I dunno...I kinda like him this way. He’s like a nice doggy.

Me: Yeah, but it’s...weird.

I: I wanna scratch his ears. [Reaches toward Myself’s head]

Myself: [Smacks I’s hand away] Watch it, kid. I’m not yelling, but I’ll still rip off those fingers and shove ‘em up your —

Me: ANYWAY. What did you take away from the game?

Myself: The Steelers played a terrible defensive scheme. I mean, Cover-2 against Mike Glennon? That’s like tasering a dead chihuahua. There’s no point. Stack the box, play outside contain, and make Glennon throw the ball.

Me: But you’re not going to get excited and animated? I feel like I’m talking to myself, and that’s...surprisingly boring.

Myself: I’m not surprised that you’re boring. I talk to you all the time.

Me: WILL YOU YELL ALREADY, YOU OBNOXIOUS FREAK?!

I: Okay, now I’m confused. The boring one is yelling, and the yell-y one is boring.

Myself: Kid, you get confused when you put on underwear right-side out.

I: Well I can’t see where I wrote “FRONT” inside the elastic if they aren’t inside out!

Myself: There is a certain level of idiotic genius in the fact that you also wrote it upside down so you can see it right when you look down.

I: I’m not as dumb as I look!

Me: But you aren’t smart enough to realize you just insulted yourself.

I: [Confused] Huh?

Myself: Bingo. [High-five’s Me]

Are the Steelers a good team?

Myself: Best in the NFL.

Me: There’s the homer I remember.

I: Does this mean he’s gonna start yelling again?

Me: I dunno, Little Buddy. I dunno. Scratch him behind the ears, see if that keeps him calm.

I: [Reaches toward Myself’s head]

Myself: [Smacks I’s hand away again and points at him] Try to scratch my ears again and we’re finished as friends.

I: [Looks scared, turns to Me] Are “homers” always this mean?

Me: It’s only a universal statement in Philadelphia. In this case, I think he’s just repressing anger about losing to the Bears.

I: Are the Bears a good team?

Me: Good enough to beat the Steelers last Sunday.

I: So, if the Steelers are a good team, and they lost to the Bears, then the Bears are a good team?

Me: Careful, Little Buddy. You’re about to start making a circular argument that will eventually give even Bengals fans false hope. And if there is hope in Cincinnati, the world may implode on itself. I think Einstein said that.

I: So the Bears are a good team, then?

Me: Or the Steelers might be that bad. That’s why this time of year is fun: temperatures are dropping, leaves start changing colors, and we spend the first four to six weeks of football season maddeningly trying to figure out who is actually good and who isn’t. It’s this sort of thing that makes Vegas very, very happy.

Any thoughts about the protests?

Myself: Someone tell Question Guy we aren’t opening that can of worms today.

I: I like worms, they’re squishy.

Me: [Looks confusedly at Myself] Did we ever figure out who is asking the questions?

Myself: Nope. My money is on Alex Trebek, Tony Romo, or the ghost of Pat Summerall.

Me: Why Pat’s ghost? Why not, say, the ghost of Pittsburgh legend Myron Cope?

Myself: Has Question Guy ever said “double yoi”?

Me: Good point. That would be pretty cool, though.

Myself: You betcha.

The Steelers are headed to hostile territory Sunday when they go to Baltimore. Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t won there since 2010. Does he turn it around this week?

Me: He’s going to have to. The winner of this game has total control of the AFC North. That’s something I can’t see this team giving up without a solid fight.

Myself: The Ravens are terrible this year!

Me: Hey, you’re finally getting excited. Glad to see it. I think.

Myself: Well, now we’re talking about the Ratbirds. The only thing better than beating the Rats is beating the Patriots. Well, that, and winning a Super Bowl.

Me: If the team can get it together, they can do all three this year.

Myself: You said the same thing last year. Quit jinxing it.

Me: Okay, then. Back to the Ravens. Why do you say they are terrible? They are 2-1, just like the Steelers.

Myself: They lost by 37 points to the Jaguars.

Me: Jacksonville looks like they might be decent this year.

Myself: [Stands up quickly, points to the door and exclaims loudly] Out upon thine ear with such blasphemy, swine!

I: [To Me, dejectedly] He’s not like a doggy anymore.

Myself: Fine. [Sits down] Look at it this way: so far, their opponents are a combined 2-7. They beat the Browns and the Bengals. They are winning in spite of themselves. Baltimore has the worst offense in the league, for crying out loud.

Me: True, and only the 18th-best defense. Still, they’ve gotten eight interceptions and two fumble recoveries.

Myself: Pay attention, I’m only saying this one more time: [slowly enunciates every syllable] Cin-cin-nati and Cleve-land. Do you know what those two teams have in common with Baltimore?

Me: Ummm...they are all in the AFC North?

Myself: Besides that, moron.

Me: I dunno. What?

Myself: Their quarterbacks currently have worse ratings than Mike Glennon, and at times against the Steelers on Sunday, he looked like he was trying to lose.

Me: Kinda destroys the narrative that Flacco and Dalton are #Elite.

Myself: [Looks stunned for a moment] I just saw that hashtag.

Me: ...So?

Myself: This is a verbal conversation.

Me: Ummm...that’s...odd. Even for us.

I: #TrueDat.