Random Thoughts From a Black-and-Gold Mind: Billy Madison edition

Yay, the bye week is over and your Pittsburgh Steelers are somehow atop the AFC North despite not playing. It is Cleveland week again and my black-and-gold brain is spiraling out of control like a bachelorette party without Zima and a hunky, fake cop with a boom box. So as always, I pass the ravings along to you. But first, I must be a modest monk and seek tranquility for my transgressions of a week ago to and for the following gaffes.

• Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga, but not Homegoods. I hate you for ruining any outing with my wife.
• A tweener’s hormones
• The imagining of Steelers WRs at Chuck E. Cheese or furniture shopping.
• Huey Lewis and the News
• Myself for not copyrighting “An Art is Burned”:
• Making all of you droll over the idea of a bacon burger stuffed with a taco stuffed with a supreme pizza.
• Comparing James Conner’s “bowling ball” run to making dudes fall down in a Madonna video.

And now for the latest installment of Random Thoughts From a Black-and-Gold Mind.

• I have great respect for Mike Tomlin. Especially his coaching record later in the season, like his 28-16 mark for October. However, I don’t know why I waste time on Tuesdays listening to his press conferences. Like Seinfeld, it’s a show about nothing...but less entertaining. Going forward, every time I have to explain something to get out of hot water with my wife, I’ll just go in Tomlin-mode. After a few “obviouslys”, “popcorn” and “not wanting to paint with a broad brush”, I’ll confuse and Jedi-Mind Trick myself out of peril.

Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images

• Steeler players like Antonio Brown and Ramon Foster have spoken up and voiced their desire for the Steelers to acquire Patrick Peterson from the Cards. While I don’t think the FO will sack-up and go after the superstar cb, they should. Doing so would be awesome like “nudie magazine day” and greatly improve their championship chances while keeping him away from Kansas City and New England. Trading draft picks doesn’t necessarily mean that a team is mortgaging the future. Jarvis Jones, Bud Dupree and Artie Burns are a sample of top choices in the past five years, while Senquez Golson, Sean Davis and James Washington are examples of twos. (You’d probably trade any one of them in a heartbeat for Peterson). When I think about draft picks, I picture Monty Hall and “Let’s Make a Deal”. Behind Door No. 2, you could win a trip to Maui or get stuck with a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni...the San Francisco Treat.
• Former Steeler/Cardinal and P2 cousin, Bryant McFadden, has stated that the Steelers aren’t “players” in a possible deal.
• I know the Cards say they aren’t trading Peterson, but I tell my kids they can’t have lots of things and still end up not sticking to my guns. Those little scheisters wear me down. But they learned from the best. I had to wear my wife down to even get in a situation for them to be created.
• Janoris Jenkins and Gareon Conley are CB possibilities as well.
• The NFL trading deadline has typically been the most quiet of the four major sports, but I think it will start to become more and more like a feeding frenzy a la MLB. Dallas’ trade of a top pick to Oakland for Amari Cooper will open up the floodgates.
• Ben Roethlisberger, in reference to David Carr, said that it is all right for a man to cry. It’s a good thing because I cried when my kids were born, I cried when Ben found Santonio in the back of the end zone to rescue Lombardi and I cry every time the Steelers play the Patriots.
• I think Maurkice Pouncey’s comments about sitting back and enjoying the Le’Veon Bell saga are right on. At this point, it’s just become farcical.

Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

• Mike Mitchell was named the NFL’s Defensive Player of the Week. Chicken Little was right, the sky is falling.
• The last five Browns head coaches have been fired after losses to Pittsburgh. Wacky Todd Haley could be the next mistake by the lake.
• Trading Bell will not and can not happen. He’s going to wait untill after the trading deadline to squash such a scenario. It is a shame. They would probably been able to squeeze better value out of No. 26 in this recent trading climate.
• The biggest thing I hate about social media and blog sites are fans that hide behind their keyboard and spew venom at the players. The latest was a ridiculous reply to a tweet about Mike Hilton’s marriage to his junior high sweetheart during the bye week break. Some moron tweeted the following: “Seriously he should have been practicing because the Steelers defense sucks. Fire tomlin”.
• People do realize that we don’t own these guys, right? They are allowed to have lives. So congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Hilton.
• “Renegade” is featured in both Billy Madison and at Heinz Field.

And finally...

• I wonder what else Bryant McFadden is doing these days.

Untill next time, song lyrics have notified me that they too are on their bye week, so I ask you to think about Mike Tomlin press conferences and this famous Jim Downey quote from 1995’s Billy Madison...

What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.

...

Probably a bit harsh, but funny nonetheless. Take that for what it’s worth, Don’t stop Shalievin’, O’Doyle Rules and Go Steelers.