The 7-5-1 Steelers return to home in desperation mode as their three-game skid could extend to four against a team that is their Rubick’s Cube....unsolvable. With the Ravens and the Browns breathing down their Black-and-Gold necks, it is Threat Level Midnight in the Steel City. Will Stevan Ridley show up against his former employer and, with Jaylen Samuels, mount any sort of a rushing attack with James Conner out? Will Ben Roethlisberger have a perfect game? Can anybody stop Gronk? Is playing Artie Burns a horrendous idea. With these questions, storylines, and more, I’ve compiled a list of predictions (some basic, and some utterly idiotic) to look for in this Week 15 contest:
- Before the game, Curt Wootton is arrested for making terroristic threats and spreading germ warfare after his Pittsburgh Dad character encouraged flu-ridden fans to touch and infect doorknobs at the Patriots hotel.
- The Steelers win the opening kickoff, but do not defer this time around.
- Ben Roethlisberger starts outlike wildfire and leads the Steelers down the field for an early three.
- However, Chris Boswell misses again.
- Antonio Brown scorches the Pats for 200+ yards receiving.
- Because commemorating the 57th birthday of Pittsburgh native and Lethal Weapon screenwriting legend Shane Black would require pyrotechnics and mass destruction, JuJu Smith-Schuster instead rejoices a touchdown by pouring a can of Nestea over Ramon Foster’s Head in tribute to the 245th anniversary of the Boston Tea Party.
- Foster, however, does his own birthday shoutout to Black by muttering Danny Glover’s famous words...”I’m too old for this shit”.
- Artie Burns gets a Pick Six. But unfortunately that’s a half dozen doughnuts before the game at Better Maid.
- Artie proceeds to get burned during the game.
- Despite suffering from a wide array of syphilitic symptoms from area yinzer hookers, Gronk torches the Steeler defense for 150 yards and two scores.
- The Steelers struggle with James White, Julian Edelman and Josh Gordon as well.
- Cam Heyward sacks Brady twice.
- Jesse James gets his TD this time around.
- Chris Boswell hits the game-tying field goal late in the fourth. But what nobody realizes is that “Yinzer Pride” strikes with the real Boz tied and gagged in a restroom in Section 525 and Shaun Suisham hits the game winner.
- When the dust settles, the Steelers slay the dragon by the score of Steelers 30, Patriots 27.
Will any of this actually happen? I’ll bet at least one or two. Heck, maybe every one of them. Be sure to post your predictions — basic or bizarre — below.