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Steelers vs. Chargers, Week 13: Bold and Bizarre predictions for Pittsburgh vs. the Chargers

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BTSC’s Nostradumbass predicts the Steelers’ upcoming game vs. the Chargers.

San Diego Chargers v Pittsburgh Steelers Photo by Joe Sargent/Getty Images

The 7-3-1 Steelers had a six-game streak snapped last week at Broncos’ Field at Mile High. This week they return home to take on another dangerous team from the AFC West. Will James Conner have sandwich grabbers of glue? Will Melvin Gordon’s absence even matter with Austin Ekeler spelling him? Will Ben Roethlisberger throw a pick inside the five again? Unlike Jim Nantz, will Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth take the time to learn the correct pronunciation of the name Fichtner?

With these questions, storylines, and more, I’ve compiled a list of predictions (some basic, and some utterly idiotic) to look for in this Week 13 contest:

  • Ben Roethlisberger does not go sack or interception-free, as rookie-sensation Derwin James grabs one. However, he puts up three scores and 350 yards in a mostly-dominant fashion.
  • James Conner controls the game by accumulating over 150 total yards, scoring a TD and successfully going fumbleless. Conner reveals that Mike Tomlin made him carry a football around a la Darnell Jefferson in the 1993 football flick, The Program. This revelation proves ironic due to Tomlin’s alleged resemblance to the man that portrayed Jefferson’s coach...James Caan,

*Note: I know Omar Epps played Jefferson and Tomlin has been said to be a doppelgänger of the actor. I just wanted for the odd twist at the end.

  • Antonio Brown joins JuJu in the 1K club for the 2018 season. After his first of two scores, he screams out, “Still not the captain”.
  • At halftime at a local Steak and Shake, “He Who Shall Not Be Named” performs his latest rap single, “My Hands Are Glue” to confused employees and patrons that just want to enjoy a nice Wisconsin Butter Burger.
  • Because commemorating the 37th birthday of Britney Spears would require a difficult costume change into a catholic school uniform, JuJu Smith-Schuster instead rejoices a touchdown by pouring a bucket of slime over the head of Ramon Foster in tribute to the 41st anniversary of the launching of a television network called Pinwheel. Pinwheel later became known as Nickelodeon.
  • Sean Davis = Pick Six
  • Ola Adenyi gets his first sack of the season. Or does he? James Harrison is seen stalking the young linebacker and No. 92’s moves look eerily similar.
  • Melvin Gordon’s absence proves to be of little advantage as Austin Ekeler proves shifty and difficult to tackle. Ekeler gets over 100.
  • Despite another stellar passer rating, The defense gets to immobile “Old Man” Rivers five times.
  • Joe Haden feels at home, chopping down another tree of an opponent in Keenan Allen. This performance costs No. 23 the role of parade marshall for the Three Rivers Arbor Day Parade.
  • In the end, the Steelers win 42-38 in Prime Time to clinch another winning season for Coach Tomlin.

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Will any of this actually happen? I’ll bet at least one or two. Heck, maybe every one of them. Be sure to post your predictions — basic or bizarre — below.