I woke up on the morning of December 24, 2018, feeling really low, even though I should have been pretty darn happy.
After all, I had just won my first fantasy football championship in 15 years of playing for money (I know, it’s ruining the game!!!!!!!). It should have been one of the happiest days of 2018 for yours truly. Unfortunately, much like Jim in the Season 3 finale of The Office, when he was interviewing for and a shoo-in to get the promotion of a lifetime at Dunder Mifflin, I was thinking about the love of my life. No, not Pam Beasley. I’m talking about the Steelers and how they likely weren’t going to make the postseason after blowing their fourth game in five weeks, leaving them on the outside looking in at a playoff spot that only the Browns could now obtain for them.
How silly is that? I mean, I’m kind of poor. I just bought a 2018 Chevy Cruze that I’m paying 1968 Porsche prices for, thanks to going way over my mileage on the lease for my 2016 Chevy Cruze (the fact that I have to keep driving a Chevy Cruze should tell you something). My landlord just told me I owe $100 for being late with the rent four times since last January. Why should I care about the plight of the Steelers and place more importance on their playoff lives than on my own financial well-being? It’s like what the mob dude told the kid in A Bronx Tale, “Mickey Mantle don’t care about you, so why should you care about him?”
Yet, the Steelers might not make the playoffs, and I do give a bleep.
I shouldn’t give a bleep. You might think it’s bad that the Steelers haven’t been back to the Super Bowl since 2010—did you know they’ve only won three playoff games since then? Fire Mike Tomlin! Amen. Try paying league fee after league fee, year after year, over a decade and a half for various fantasy football teams and never once earning a cent back (and some of those fantasy teams even included Cowher’s players).
I should be looking out for number one, not crying in my Terrible Towel about a football team filled with millionaires, millionaires who will surely be destined for a tropical island once Pittsburgh is officially eliminated from playoff contention—a likely outcome at the moment.
However, I’d use my fantasy football winnings to pay the infamous Walter White to do something nefarious in-order to get the Steelers into the playoff field (this is the second time I’ve referenced Walter White in a BTSC article, which obviously means I just binge-watched all five seasons of Breaking Bad on Netflix, one of the three streaming channels I’m paying money for—another reason I should be more worried about my finances than the Steelers playoff bonuses).
Last season, I thought it was neat that the Bills made it into the playoffs for the first in years, and that they did so at the expense of the Ravens, who were tripped up by Andy Dalton, Tyler Boyd and the rest of the Bengals in a Week 17 upset at M&T Bank Stadium.
I have a friend who is a Bills fan, and when they clinched, I texted her something along the lines of “Congrats!” or whatever. Then, I thought, “It’s nice that the little people of the NFL universe, and their fans, get thrown a few crumbs every now and then.”
Now, I’d give anything just to have one of those crumbs. In-fact, I’d pay all of my fantasy football winnings and sign my name in blood to forever drive a Chevy Cruze if it meant the Steelers clinching the playoffs again this season.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with the Devil to discuss a potential deal.