The Steelers are out of the playoffs, and I’m bummed. However, there are 12 other teams still in the running for the 53rd Lombardi trophy. Maybe you’d like to see one of those teams win it. Maybe you’d like to see none of those teams win it. Maybe you’re wishing this article was a mock draft.
However, since only the destruction of the NFL could make the second thing a reality, and since there will be at least 14,000,000,000 mock drafts written between now and the real thing, the only thing left for me to do right now is rank the 12 teams I’d like to see win the Super Bowl from least favorite to most tolerated.
No. 12: New England Patriots
Isn’t this one rather obvious? Don’t you want to keep winning every argument by citing the “Got six?” t-shirt design of 2009? Don’t you want those t-shirts to remain relevant? Don’t you want the Patriots dynasty to FINALLY be put on ice (at least until next year)? Don’t you want to see more funny memes of Tom Brady and not a new image of him flashing six rings?
No. 11: Baltimore Ravens
AFC North Rivals. John Harbaugh. Terrell Suggs. Need I say more? Yes. I don’t have any admiration for the Ravens, and if the Patriots didn’t exist, I’d hate Baltimore most of all. Besides, can you imagine all of the “We have more Super Bowls than you since moving to Baltimore and changing our name” smack talk? No thank you.
No. 10: Los Angeles Chargers
Philip Rivers is elite, but he’d be even more elite if he won a Super Bowl. All these years, I’ve been saying things like, “The Chargers have had Rivers, and they haven’t contended at nearly the same rate as the Steelers have with Ben Roethlisberger.” You think I want to lose that ammunition when confronting the “FireTomlin!” people on a daily basis until the next Steelers Super Bowl title?
No. 9: Seattle Seahawks
Pete Carroll. The 12th man. I don’t think I need a third reason.
No. 8: Philadelphia Eagles
Yes, Invincible was a great and inspiring movie. Yes, the Eagles did the Steelers a solid last year by preventing New England from winning a sixth Super Bowl. Yes, Nick Foles could achieve superhero status by coming off the bench to lead Philadelphia to a Super Bowl title for a second-straight season. However, as a Pittsburgh native, I’m contractually prohibited from including any Philadelphia sports team in the top-half of any list that makes that team look good.
No. 7: Indianapolis Colts
I don’t have much of a problem with the Colts. However, they could have tied the Titans this past Sunday night, which would have allowed Pittsburgh to make the playoffs. Yet, instead of being selfless, the Colts were downright selfish and wanted the sixth seed all for themselves. Sure, the Steelers have nobody to blame but themselves for their demise, but admitting that would be like siding with the police over your kid. No respectable parent would do not, not even when the police have clear evidence of your kid fumbling footballs at the goal line, throwing interceptions at the goal line, missing extra points and blowing fourth quarter leads.
No. 6: Chicago Bears
I normally don’t like the Bears, but they’ve shown what can happen to a defense when it lands an elite talent—Khalil Mack—and how much he can affect a football game and a team’s fortunes. Besides, if the Bears win it all, that might enrage the Raiders owners to the point of firing Jon Gruden, which could lead to ESPN hiring him back to be the color analyst for Monday Night Football, which would relegate Jason Witten to an insurance salesman.
No. 5: Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs haven’t even been to the Super Bowl since the 1969 season (puts a hurtin’ on all of that 2010 bs), which was before we even put a man on the moon. Besides, the only thing worse than being considered a horrible head coach is being considered a great head coach that can’t win the big one. Andy Reid has been saddled with that label for far-too long.
No. 4: New Orleans Saints
As long as Drew Brees is on the team, it’s almost impossible to rank the Saints any lower than this. Besides, the Saints franchise has endured so many awful seasons—my God, their fans pioneered the bag over the head thing—the football universe owes them at least one more title.
No. 3: Houston Texans
J.J. Watt is a really good dude. Deshaun Watson appears to be cut from the same good dude cloth. Plus, the old Oilers came oh so close to achieving Super Bowl success before moving to Tennessee, changing their name to the Titans and at least making it there once, the city of Houston deserves some success in the Lombardi department.
No. 2: Dallas Cowboys
I know what you’re going to say. How can a self-respecting Steelers fan cheer for a Cowboys playoff victory? After all, like the Patriots, Dallas needs just one more Lombardi to match Pittsburgh. I don’t know, I just really loved the Cowboys as a kid (they were always on CBS), and I think the football universe is more exciting and interesting when America’s Team is the villain.
No. 1: Los Angeles Rams
I don’t have any real reason for wanting this, other than the Rams never should have left Los Angeles way back in the 90s. The Rams are actually football royalty, if you look at what they did even prior to moving to St. Louis and finally winning a Super Bowl. Besides that, Aaron Donald, a Pitt alum, the best defensive player in the game, winning a ring? That would satisfy so many defense-first types.
There you have it. My list of teams I’d like to see win a Super Bowl since the Steelers can’t.
Happy playoff watching (or mock draft reading)!