I love the Super Bowl more than Rams fans love leaving a good game in the third quarter — more than Bill Belichick loves to suck the air out of a room at a press conference and more than Gronk gets way too excited about doing math.
It's a national holiday for me. I love old highlights, Roman numerals (You sucked 2016 for their elimination), somebody going to Disney World and the trophy procession at the end. At my count (42), I’ve been mentally cognizant of every Super Bowl since Dallas crushed the orange out of Denver in Super Bowl XII. For every Bradshaw bomb, Montana rally, Manning miracle, Brady drive and Emmitt Smith scamper, I could tell you tales of Jack Squirek’s pick-six, Tim Krumrie’s ankle, Eugene Robinson’s hooker, David Tyree’s helmet-hallelujah, Timmy Smith’s big day and The Philly Soecial
Yesiree, the Super Bowl is my special day. But, like everything that’s awesome, there are things which ruin my bliss. Back in the nineties, I knew a serial clubber. This woman knew nightclubs like Antonio Cromartie knows paternity suits, but she stayed home on New Year’s Eve because she called it “amateur night”. To me, that’s what the Super Bowl has become. The people that never watch a down of football invade gatherings that reduce Super Bowl fever to a touchdown tummy-ache, and that’s what sucks the summer out of my sausage.
With this in mind, I've compiled a list of things that I hate about the greatest day of my year.
It’s not the actual advertisements that I abhor—I actually enjoy some of them. Plus, the fact that morons shell out more than $5 million for a 30-second comedy bit is pretty amazing. But if there’s one boner that bothers me more than sand in a condom, it’s those "I only watch it for the commercials” people.
If that’s you, and you’ve ever said that in your lifetime, you need to grab a bucket of wings and apologize to the fan to whom you said it. It's as offensive as a thong at a funeral. I’ll say it again...OFFENSIVE!
Plus my dad and my friend Darrin actually critique the advertisements like they’re actually on the Clio committe. Then there are the media outlets that
These guys are playing their hearts out for a championship, and there are people that want to absorb every throw, catch and tackle. To diminish that by saying you don't care about the game is disheartening. Even if it's true, please keep it to yourself.
Idiots from other countries and media outlets asking the most absurd questions or dredging up unnecessary or imaginary controversy to advance their careers truly grates on me. I cringe when I hear some of these queries and feel the pain of the players who have to put up with it. A woman reporter asked Rob Gronkowski to spike her purse. Then there's the player who says something absurd — Jeramy Stevens in 2006, for example — just to hijack publicity. Then there’s Gronk who wore a sombrero and explained lewd math with a female reporter. To quote Leah Remini in Old School
Uncoordinated food at Super Bowl parties
If you’re going to a Super Bowl party, find out what other people are bringing. We don't need four crock pots of Li’l Smokies, or some weird dip that Guy Fieri dreamed up on a coke binge. Also, buying a bag of Tostitos and tossing it on the counter is unimaginable and shows little respect for the game.
Healthy Choices at a Super Bowl
For the love of Casey Hampton, Stop it!! Tofurkey and three-bean salads have no place on my pigskin table. I know my colon needs cleansing, but let's talk about that later. It’s the Super Bowl, you need a seven layer dip that will help clear out the room at the night’s end.
I love dogs. There’s nothing like the companionship of a furry buddy—and I'm not talking about your sister-in-law with the moustache, or your neighbor that really needs to shave his back. But whoever decided it's okay to not only televise a dog show on Thanksgiving, but
this the most sacred sports day of the year should be spayed and neutered themselves.
Also, what the freak is the Puppy Bowl? Somebody please explain this one to me. The idea of a schnauzer throwing a pick-six, or a Pomeranian punting inside the 20 is, to quote Wallace Shawn from The Princess Bride, ”Inconceivable!”. If I want to watch anything doggy style...I’ll put on some old school MTV and watch me some “Gin and Juice”.
Extended Halftime and the subsequent entertainment that follows
I hate to badmouth the Super Bowl that allowed me to actually see Janet Jackson like never before, a bizarre Indian Jones stunt show and Katie Perry’s terribly-uncoordinated “Left Shark”, but this is becoming crappy. Whether it's the outrageously geriatric Who or Rolling Stones making me do nothing but curse the depressing effect of Father Time on once-cool bad-asses, or Beyoncé attempting to make a political statement, it runs far too long and numbs my brain. This year has become even more political with Maroon 5, Travis Scott and Big Boi being criticized for agreeing to perform.
For the love of John Facenda and everything that’s holy, can we please bring back Up With People?
The person who never watches sports but complains that athletes get paid too much
I know we should be paying teachers better, helping to feed the homeless instead of paying Michael Brockers $11,083,333 per year. I get it. But I can't control the spending habits of Robert Kraft, Stan Kroenke and company, and frankly, I don't want to discuss it during the game. When the Red Zone’s a rockin’, don’t come a squawkin’.
Talking about real life
Buddy...I’m sorry that Uncle Stan lost his spleen, your wife left you for the barista at Starbucks with the man-bun and that Jim from Accounting just stole your promotion That really sucks. But can we not bring up when Todd Gurley is in the open field? Real life sucks sometimes and I know we don’t see one another that often, but Ndamukong Suh just ripped out somebody’s larynx. We can instagram, tweet or do lunch...let’s just not sap my will to live. Tom Brady is slated to do that in just a few hours.
Also, I should probably mention the Cliff Clavin in the room that brings up little-known facts and stupid bits of trivia that nobody cares about. But I’m that guy and I’m really trying to get that under control.
When somebody puts their kid’s name on a gambling square...and the kid wins
I’m usually the guy pushing the squares and I get where that could be annoying sometimes. But nothing helps a one-sided game more than hoping Gostkowski misses an extra-point so you can win back some frog-skins. Still, there’s always that couple who puts little Cody’s name on a square and that little ‘effer’ wins three quarters in a row, while you go home to heat up some Ramen for your work Thermos.
The MVP getting a car
Look, I’m not even sure if this is still a thing and I know I just bashed amateurs that complain about player salaries. But watching an athlete win a car and having to fake his gratitude for a car he doesn't want or need, while the president of the car manufacturer undeservingly is standing on the podium sporting the grin of the Joker and a clammy handshake...really stinks — especially when you have to sign the cross and pray that your Ford Festiva will actually make the three-mile trek home without stranding you on Skid Row.
Interviewing the losing coach
This is almost as painful to watch as Robert Kraft claiming Patriot persecution and passive-aggressively bashing the suddenly petrified and ass-kissing Robert Goodell. The guy just had his heart ripped out. Give him some time. The answers will be more genuine in la mañana.
So take my advice and avoid these situations and people. That way you have a fighting chance to enjoy the game.