It’s Bengals Week and the Steelers are looking to erase the growing uncertainty of the validity of their 8-0 record with a win over Cincinnati. While I disagree with the naysayers and point to the theory that good teams find ways to survive bad weeks, but there are still many questions to be answered first. With inquiries, story lines, and more, I’ve compiled a list of predictions (some basic, and some utterly idiotic) to look for in this contest.
Last week, I came close, but ultimately whiffed on most of my predictions. Let’s see if I can rebound this week.
- Inspired by No-Shave November, but unable to grow facial hair...Boujee Smith-Schuster sports a fake Brett Keisel beard upon entering Heinz Field. Because his new face mane does not match his fake ID, Boujee is denied access to his usual seven IC Lights. In a fit of rage, JuJu’s pooch knocks over the cart and steals enough beers to incapacitate Andre the Giant. JuJu misses pregame warmups freeing Boujee from Heinz Field’s security office.
- Ben Roethlisberger plays a flawless game in which he has 260 yards, four touchdowns and no interceptions on the afternoon.
- JuJu Smith-Schuster catches one of those TD passes from Ben, pulls a microphone out of his pants and, along with Boujee dressed as both Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus, belts out “Blame It On The Rain” in a full choreographed number. This is done to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the outing by Frank Farian that led to the infamous Milli Vanilli lip synching scandal that ruined the German duo’s career.
- A nude bloke wearing a custom Steelers Kylo Ren helmet and nothing else but an Australian flag storms the field during a Jordan Berry punt to hug and welcome his fellow countryman back to Heinz Field. Not wanting to be tazed naked, the aforementioned gentleman is rescued by his fellow podcaster in a 1970s style helmet in a golf cart and escapes the stadium before being apprehended. Meanwhile, in Maryland, a slightly larger fella notices his prized piece of Steelers/Star Wars memorabilia missing once again and immediately calls a locksmith.
- Chase Claypool scores his eighth touchdown in nine games.
- The Steelers hold on to the ball the entire afternoon.
- James Conner goes off for 120 yards on the day and a score.
- Vince Williams, taking the persona of the Pittsburgh Rattlesnake to heart, gives Giovanni Bernard a “Stone Cold Stunner” in the third quarter.
- Chris Boswell is perfect on the day with five points-after and a field goal.
- Joe Haden gets two interceptions.
- Not to be confused with the hit performing artists from NBC’s Saved By The Bell, Zack Attack, the Steelers’ Sack Attack goes off on Joe Burrow for six sacks.
- Avery Williamson gets a sack in his on field debut for the black-and-gold.
- Ray-Ray McCloud finally cracks the end zone.
- The Steelers come out hot and cruise past the Bengals by the score of 38-20.
Will any of this actually happen? I’ll bet at least one or two. Heck, maybe every one of them. Be sure to post your predictions — basic or bizarre — below.