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Steelers at Dallas, Week 9: Bold and Bizarre predictions for Steelers vs. Cowboys

Much to the chagrin of most, BTSC’s Nostradumbass predicts the Steelers’ Week 9 matchup with the Boys.

NFL: NOV 01 Steelers at Ravens Photo by Mark Goldman/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

It’s Dallas Week and the Steelers are looking to surpass the ‘78 team by starting 8-0 for the first time in their storied history. Ironically, the black-and-gold faces the team they defeated that season to win the Super Bowl. There are many questions to be answered first. With inquiries, story lines, and more, I’ve compiled a list of predictions (some basic, and some utterly idiotic) to look for in this contest.

Last week, I came close, but ultimately whiffed on most of my predictions. Let’s see if I can rebound this week.

  • Inspired by the famed painting featuring dogs playing poker, Boujee Smith-Schuster, wins big enough to buy-and-sell Fort Worth. However, Jones refuses to pay JuJu’s pooch, if and only if, JuJu signs with the ‘boys in the offseason. Boujee exacts revenge by seducing the owner of the Cowboys prized poodle, Sue Ellen, in Jones’ luxury suite at AT&T Stadium.
  • Ben Roethlisberger plays a flawless game in which he has 241 yards and three touchdowns on the afternoon.
  • JuJu Smith-Schuster catches one of those TD passes from Ben, grabs a megaphone and addresses the crowd in a Boston accent with Boujee by his side sporting a pillbox hat. He declares “Ask not what your offense can do for you, but what you can do for your offense” in commemoration of this being the 60th anniversary of John F. Kennedy being elected as the 35th president of the United States of America.
  • A fit man wearing a custom Steelers Kylo Ren helmet and a Ben Roethlisberger jersey is seen fleeing “Jerry World” with the Cowboys Super Bowl XXX trophy and yelling, “You didn’t properly earn this! This Lombardi belongs in Wheeling. I mean Pittsburgh!”. Meanwhile, in Maryland, his fellow co-editor notices his prized piece of Steelers/Star Wars memorabilia missing.
  • Chase Claypool scores his eighth touchdown in as many games as a rookie.
  • The Steelers hold on to the ball the entire afternoon to start a new turnover-free streak.
  • James Conner goes off for 135 yards on the day. Meanwhile, Anthony McFarland Jr. scores his first NFL touchdown.
  • Chris Boswell kicks two field goals on the afternoon.
  • Terrell Edmunds picks off Gilbert Grape for his second career interception.
  • The sack party returns in a big way, as Pittsburgh gets to the Cowboys quarterbacks eight times on the afternoon to raise their total to 38 on the season. T.J. Watt gets two on the day, while Bud Dupree nets three.
  • Robert Spillane gets double-digit tackles for the day, while Avery Williamson gets a sack in his Steelers debut.
  • The Steelers defense holds Dallas to under 200 total yards.
  • Ray Ray McCloud 102-yard kickoff return.
  • This game is actually close in the first quarter, but the Steelers explode and win by a score of 34-13.

Will any of this actually happen? I’ll bet at least one or two. Heck, maybe every one of them. Be sure to post your predictions — basic or bizarre — below.