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Steelers at Texans, Week 3: Bold and Bizarre predictions for Steelers vs. the Texans

Much to the chagrin of most, BTSC’s Nostradumbass predicts the Steelers’ matchup with the Texans.

NFL: Pittsburgh Steelers at New York Giants Vincent Carchietta-USA TODAY Sports

The Steelers are back at home and looking to start 2020 at 3-0, but there are many questions to be answered.

Will the roster be managed correctly when the inactive list comes out? How will the Watt Bowl go? Will Anthony McFarland Jr. finally see action? Will the unfathomable 25-game streak of the Steelers committing a turnover continue? Can the Steelers secondary rebound after struggling so far in 2020?

With these questions, story lines, and more, I’ve compiled a list of predictions (some basic, and some utterly idiotic) to look for in this opening contest.

Last week, I came close, but ultimately whiffed on most of my predictions. Let’s see if I can rebound this week.

  • Boujee Smith-Schuster, angered by no concessions being open at the stadium last week, smuggles in a Peppi’s sandwich and proceeds to bury it near midfield for safe keeping.
  • A large man wearing a Steelers-customized Kylo Ren helmet is seen sneaking into Heinz Field a few hours before the game. Moments before Mike Tomlin leads his rank and file to battle against the bullish Texans, said man interrupts the Steelers coach to share statistical data that he’s worked up through the week to give the Steelers a better chance of victory. Sensing that he’s about to be tazed again this week, the imperial intruder escapes. However, security finds his actual licensed seats and taze the cardboard cutout of the fan.
  • Ben Roethlisberger is sacked only once on the afternoon. No. 7 throws for two scores against one interception.
  • JuJu Smith-Schuster catches one of those TD passes from Ben. Despite no crowd, JuJu still manages to wow the fans at home by grabbing Boujee, putting a long-haired blonde wig on both himself and his pooch and belts out the song (Can’t Live Without Your) Love And Affection. The performance honors both the 30th anniversary of that song hitting No. 1 and the 53rd birthday of the tune’s artists, twins Matthew and Gunnar Nelson.
  • The Steelers’ fail to hold on to the football and the turnover streak extends to 26 games.
  • Eric Ebron finally explodes by catching eight passes, but Vance McDonald is the first Steelers tight end to score in 2020.
  • Mike Hilton records both a sack and an interception of Deshaun Watson in the game. No. 28 stays on track to tie James Harrison for the Steelers single-season sack record at 16.
  • T.J. Watt gets shut out on the sack parade. All in all, the Steelers take down the slippery Watson on only two separate occasions.
  • James Conner goes over 80 yards on the day with a rushing touchdown.
  • With no fans in the stands, Renegade is still played. But it is instead synched up with highlights of Flo, Jamie and the rest of the yahoos from the Progressive commercials saving yinzers money on their insurance.
  • Brothers Derek, J.J. and T.J. Watt are all ejected when they get into a battle over who mom loves the most. Wedgies and purple nurples ensue.
  • The Steelers blow a late lead when Deshaun Watson finds Will Fuller IV in the back of the touchdown zone for the winning score with 51 seconds remaining in the game.
  • The Texans stun the Stillers 30-24.

Will any of this actually happen? I’ll bet at least one or two. Heck, maybe every one of them. Be sure to post your predictions — basic or bizarre — below.