Steelers vs. Browns, Wild Card: Bold and Bizarre predictions for rematch of Week 17 in the playoffs

The decimated roster that the Pittsburgh Steelers took to Cleveland last week is almost back in tact and the Cleveland Browns are dealing with holes in key places, like at Head Coach and Left Guard for the Wild Card game in Pittsburgh. I’ve compiled a list of predictions (some basic, and some utterly idiotic) to look for in this contest.

Last week, I came close, but ultimately whiffed on most of my predictions. Let’s see if I can rebound this week.

• Boujee Smith-Schuster, still upset about the fact that there were no actual skanky female hounds hanging out in the Dog Pound to sniff, creates his own dog pound featuring the furriest and finest of Pittsburgh pooches in the closed end of the field.
• A man sporting a custom Steelers Kylo Ren mask, is caught installing a software program at Heinz Field to block all cell service from an Ohio area code to ensure that there is no cheating. When Steelers officials become aware of the plot they ask the perpetrator to do the same with Randy Fichtner’s headset.
• The Steelers score in the first drive against Cleveland.
• Ray-Ray McCloud, used less and less on offense as of late, takes a jet sweep for 25 yards.
• The services of Joshua Dobbs are not used on the field of play at all in this contest.
• Chase Claypool has a touchdown on the night, and Diontae Johnson gets one as well.
• Matt Feiler does not get the start at left guard.
• Robert Spillane does start and makes an impact with a key sack of Baker Mayfield.
• Mayfield is sacked 5 times by the Steelers defense. Alex Highsmith gets two of them, while Mike Hilton, T.J. Watt, Cam Heyward and Spillane record the others.
• Mayfield celebrates like a butthole after a first down run of six yards in the first quarter.
• JuJu Smith-Schuster does catch one of Ben Roethlisberger’s TD passes and celebrates the score by grilling square hamburgers on a small machine that reduces fat and passes them out to the friends and family in attendance. The gesture is to celebrate both the 72nd birthday of George Foreman and the 37th anniversary of the debut of Clara Peller in the “Where’s the Beef?” Wendy’s commercials.
• The offense is somewhat revitalized by a 90-plus yard effort in total yardage by James Conner.
• Minkah Fitzpatrick get a Steelers interception and returns it for a score.
• The Steelers win 29-24, and shuffle off to Buffalo.

Will any of this actually happen? I’ll bet at least one or two. Heck, maybe every one of them. Be sure to post your predictions — basic or bizarre — below.