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Steelers vs. Broncos, Week 5: Bold and Bizarre predictions for Denver at Pittsburgh

Much to the chagrin of most, BTSC’s Nostradumbass predicts the Steelers’ matchup against the Broncos.

NFL: Cincinnati Bengals at Pittsburgh Steelers Philip G. Pavely-USA TODAY Sports

After three straight losses, the Steelers are back at home and looking to move to 2-3 to start the season. However, there are many questions to be answered. With inquiries, story lines, and more, I’ve compiled a list of predictions (some basic, and some utterly idiotic) to look for in this opening contest.

Last week, I came close, but ultimately whiffed on most of my predictions. Let’s see if I can rebound this week.

  • After a rash of arrests the first four weeks of the season, Boujee Smith-Schuster is well behaved and records an NBC-style “The More You Know” public service announcement urging proper fan behavior to be played on the JumboTron or whatever they call it these days.
  • Ben Roethlisberger is only sacked twice on the afternoon and No. 7 throws for 230 yards and one score against no picks.
  • One of those scores is hauled-in by Chase Claypool, who sheds his uniform to reveal a very tight, burgundy wrestling singlet from the fictional Bayside High School on Saved By The Bell starring the incomparable Mario Lopez. The display is in honor of Lopez’ 48th birthday.
  • When the sound system joins in to play the legendary theme song written by Scott Gale and sung by Michael Damian, former Steelers’ RB Le’Veon Bell appears out of nowhere to break-in with his own rap rendition called Saved By The Real Bell.
  • Pat Freiermuth and Eric Ebron combine for 11 catches on the afternoon, as Ben locates the middle of the field early and often.
  • As Matt Canada attempts to go upstairs to call the game, he is accosted by a large man wearing a custom black and gold Kylo Ren helmet. An APB is immediately put out on BTSC Editor Dave Schofield who is in attendance with his family. Schofield is approached by Heinz Field security as he is live on YouTube, there is some resistance and a tasing that does not phase the mountain of an editor, During this scene that would have broken the internet had Big Bro Scho remembered to press record, the real perpetrator is noticed running across the 50 yard line and heading towards the exits. The man is noticed by a visiting James Harrison and body slammed to the turf. In a Scooby Doo reveal, the assailant is revealed to be former Steelers OC randy Fichtner.
  • Unnerved by BTSC editor Jeff Hartman at the game wearing a “Bring Back Berry” t-shirt, Percy Harvin III booms two punts for 50+ Yards, nails three inside the twenty and displays no prison riot shankings.
  • Najee Harris has his first 100-yard game rushing, 40-yards receiving and scores a rushing touchdown.
  • Arthur Maulet and Joe Haden get picks of Teddy B.
  • T.J. Watt gets three sacks ion the afternoon.
  • Chris Boswell goes four-for-four on the day, including a 49-yarder that becomes the difference in a 26-24 Steelers triumph.

Will any of this actually happen? I’ll bet at least one or two. Heck, maybe every one of them. Be sure to post your predictions — basic or bizarre — below.