Sometimes you can’t take yourself too seriously, so I decided to write a satire piece to bring some levity to the current situation surrounding the Pittsburgh Steelers. Remember, this is satire, so don’t go directly to the comment section thinking what is stated here can be viewed as truth. Hope you enjoy!
Mike Tomlin high on TikTok
The biggest news of the week has to be Tomlin’s eyebrow-raising remarks on the trendy social media website. In his latest press-conference, Tomlin fielded multiple questions about the site, and his players’ use of it. His response is sure to ruffle some feathers around Steelers Nation. He started in typical Tomlin fashion, saying “Well, the standard is the standard.” However, he immediately followed this up by saying “And this [social media] is the new standard. I think it’s good for the team, good for these young guys to go out and have their fun.” Apparently, Tomlin himself has even been seen asking some of his players how he could create a TikTok account for himself. Tomlin’s statements may come as a surprise to fans, but many pundits around the league have noted that Tomlin is a very player-friendly coach, and some have raised questions about his ability to control the team. It remains to be seen if Tomlin’s comments will have a significant impact on the team’s performance this year, but it seems fair to assume the Steelers are likely to have a much larger presence across social media after Tomlin’s endorsement.
Steelers’ wideouts seek to improve catch-rate with Fruit Roll-Ups
Following a 2020 season that saw an embarrassing number of dropped balls by Steelers’ receivers, the wideouts spent much of the offseason searching for answers. According to recent reports, they may have finally found one. The Pittsburgh receivers are reportedly planning to wrap their gloves in Fruit-By-The-Foot, an idea initially proposed by JuJu Smith-Schuster.
The fifth-year receiver claims the idea came to him as he was eating the sticky candy on his couch one night, and was unable to remove a piece of it from his furniture after he had dropped it. This incident apparently caused him to consider the potential benefit that the candy could provide on the football field. Several of his teammates have tested the theory in action, and, according to reports, they “absolutely love” the effect the candy has had on their ability to catch the ball. The NFL hasn’t yet issued a statement regarding the use of the sticky substance, but many pundits expect league officials to take action in the coming days.
While most experts expect the NFL to ban the use of the substance, the receivers are apparently feeling “pretty optimistic” about their chances, per a report from someone close to the team. If the NFL does prevent the team from using fruit roll-ups, there are rumors that the Steelers will turn to Jolly Ranchers instead, as tight-end Eric Ebron has reportedly suggested they attempt to melt down the hard candy and mix its essence with maple syrup before painting it on their gloves. While no official action has been taken yet, you can expect more news to follow as the story develops.
Steelers see Salary Cap surge
As is typical for Pittsburgh, the Steelers found themselves on a tight budget heading into the offseason. Luckily, the front office found a plan to combat the lack of finances. In a move that has been labeled “pure genius”, the Steelers have begun to sell their Lombardi Trophies in a public auction. They’ve already sold the trophies from their first two Super Bowl victories to the Detroit Lions, who reportedly shelled out $35 million in the exchange. The idea to sell the trophies reportedly came to Omar Khan while he was reviewing team finances, seeking areas in which money could be saved. While doing this, he found that several janitors were being employed to keep the trophies clean, and realized he could kill several birds with one stone by selling the trophies while also eliminating the cost of their upkeep. Many fans are upset with the team for selling the iconic awards, and their outrage on social media websites has forced the Steelers to issue the following statement in response:
“While we realize that the Lombardi Trophies are an iconic part of this team’s prestigious legacy, they were doing little more than collecting dust at this point. With the estimated increase in revenue that their sale will provide, we should be able to bring in several free agents who will be able to help the team win more Super Bowls. Furthermore, this will give several less fortunate teams, like the Lions and Jaguars, a great opportunity to hold a real-life Lombardi Trophy, something that they might never have been able to accomplish on their own.”
While this is unlikely to placate the steaming fan base, it does at least provide an explanation for the team’s actions. While the third trophy hasn’t been sold yet, it is currently posted on eBay with a starting bid of $14 million, and Vegas oddsmakers see the Houston Texans as the most likely buyers. Expect an article updating the salary-cap situation from one of our resident financial wizards once the sales are finalized.
Obnoxious local man claims to be better coach than Mike Tomlin
A local 46-year-old man by the name of Bob Smith has recently been a source of serious frustration to his friends, family, and co-workers. Multiple sources have confirmed that Smith constantly tells those he encounters that he would be “a way frickin’ better coach than Mike ‘Underachievin’ Tomlin”, and that, if he ever chose to work out for a week, he “could throw a way better football than Ben [Roethlisberger].”
Apparently, Smith also believes that he has better hands than “whatever frickin’ bum we just drafted.” Smith’s family is reportedly growing increasingly frustrated with his antics, and his friends report that they are actively avoiding conversation with him, because he is simply “insufferable”.
We at BTSC were actually able to reach out to Smith for comment, and his response doesn’t bode well for those who deal with him regularly. During a 15-minute conference call, Smith informed us he doesn’t care about “what those stupid bums think”, and that he would continue to share his opinions regardless of how they might be received. He then immediately went off on an expletive-laden tangent about how football wasn’t tough anymore, Mike Tomlin sucked, our team was filled with divas, and he refused to give any more money to the NFL. At that point, one of us sarcastically asked what he thought about italicized numbers. While Smith seemed more than ready to offer his opinion on that subject, one of us quickly disconnected the call before he could begin talking again.
NFL bribes analysts to undersell Steelers
In recent days, reports have surfaced that the NFL has been involved in some seriously shady dealings regarding how it allows sport analysts to portray the Steelers. Apparently, the NFL had found that having the Steelers be criminally underrated was an extremely lucrative business venture that created multiple talking-points for fans. This being the case, the league had reportedly bought off multiple pundits in order to guarantee that the Steelers would never be taken seriously, except by reporters on the very fringes of the NFL world.
This bombshell revelation was first brought to light when a national media personality admitted the league had paid him $4-million to declare that the Steelers would miss the playoffs this year, and had also taken similar action in the past. “The league wants the Steelers to look bad,” he said, “they always have. We get paid every year to say this stuff about them.” While said radio host later backtracked on the statement, saying that he truly believed in his heart that the Steelers were a bad team, the NFL has remained suspiciously silent on the matter. We at BTSC have reached out to both to the NFL and to the radio host for more information on the matter, but have not yet received a response from either.
And with that, this week’s edition of the Steel-City Satirical has reached its conclusion. Be sure to stop by next week for more satirical stories surrounding the Steelers. In the meantime, feel free to peruse the comments and leave your own mark on Steeler-related conversation.