Sometimes you can’t take yourself too seriously, and if you’re like me, “sometimes” is basically a synonym for “usually” at this point. As such, I’ve got another round of satire queued up for you. If you find it funny, that’s great! Perhaps steal one of the jokes and use it to get a laugh* next time you’re at a barbeque with other fans of the black-and-gold.
*Laughter not guaranteed. Results may vary.
Disclaimer: The contents of this article are satirical in nature. Seriously, I made these stories up. They didn’t actually happen... for the most part. Anyway, since this article is a joke, there’s no need to go ballistic in the comments. If you do feel the urge to go on the attack though, well, go for it, I guess. What the heck am I gonna do about it? If you’re actually able to penetrate the Coral system’s defenses, kudos to you. Anyway, without further ado...
Distraught Colbert begs fans to stop asking for more free-agent signings
It is a well-known fact that the Steelers are typically not big players in the free-agent market. GM Kevin Colbert tends to avoid splashy signings and stick to the tried-and-true Steeler tradition of building the team’s core through the draft, making quiet depth signings to round out the roster. Despite knowing this, the fanbase can’t help but fawn over some of the bigger-name free-agents on the market each year. Taking a break from tradition this year, Colbert inked two former pro-bowlers to one-year contracts this offseason. Afterwards, Colbert told reporters that he “foolishly” expected these signings to placate the fans until “at least next year.” Foolish indeed, Mr. Colbert. Foolish indeed. Perhaps the Steelers front office feels good about the current depth on the team, but I for one will not be satisfied until they call Rod Woodson out of retirement to stabilize the secondary, and take a serious look at the free-agent market for running backs in order to add some
decent-depth starting-caliber talent behind Najee Harris. After all, I’m sure there’s a perennial pro-bowler out there that wants to come in on a veteran minimum contract in order to play in Pittsburgh. Why wouldn’t there be?
Steelers players bewildered by lack of locomotives at training camp
While training camp has gotten off to a good start this year, several Steelers players have raised loud questions about where all the actual trains are. “I thought we was gonna have real, you know, trains here.” an anonymous player reported. “It just don’t feel right without that [train] whistle at noon.” another player lamented. While the absence of trains has been widely viewed with disappointment among the players, some theorists are going so far as to claim that there is a link between the recent retirement of Vince Williams and the lack of steam engines at camp this year. “Vince knew. Vince knew what was coming, and he got out of there as fast as he could.” one pundit declared. Perhaps Williams, a self-professed lover of trains, stumbled upon whatever smoky back-room the front office conspired in when they made the decision to remove the beloved locomotives from the grounds. We at BTSC have reached out to the former linebacker for comment, but have not yet received a response.
Analysts debate whether it’s too early for a way-too-early 2038 mock draft
The recent surge in the popularity of online mock drafts has led many pundits to question the integrity of the format. While some analysts point out that mock drafts are fun, and they generally pull in massive viewer totals, a small number of journalists argue that it’s completely ridiculous to try to predict which current players will have their grandchildren selected in the first round. While there are good arguments on both sides of the debate, it seems unlikely that the average number of mock drafts produced in a given year will see a decline anytime soon. As such, those opposed to frequent mock drafts are suggesting a rationing system of sorts. Realizing that mock drafts are far too popular to combat as a whole, some personalities are now proposing that there be a limit placed on the number of years into the future that a mock draft can be prepared for. “We only have so many years to work with,” one pundit pointed out “if we keep making mock drafts for hundreds of years into the future, then we’ll eventually run out of years. This is a resource we need to try to preserve.” It remains to be seen whether the waves of mock drafts will be more restrained in the coming years, but we here at BTSC wouldn’t advise getting your hopes up if you’re in the anti-mock-draft camp.
Daniel McCullers to host special summit for players on roster bubble
Long-time Steelers defensive tackle Daniel McCullers was often noted during his tenure for his amazing ability to consistently land a spot on the roster, despite almost always being considered a “fringe” guy. Now he has decided to put his skills to good use by training other camp-bodies hoping to snag a spot on the opening-day lineup. His advice has proven quite helpful to players before, with both wideout Ryan Switzer and running back Jaylen Samuels attesting that, after private training with McCullers, they went from the roster bubble to perpetual locks to make the team. While the list of players invited to Big Dan’s event has not been publicly announced, there are rumors that punter Jordan Berry is seeking the former Steeler’s advice in order to save his job after the team brought in his likely replacement with their final pick in this year’s draft. While Berry has denied this, the two were recently spotted eating lunch together, a fact that has many fans quite nervous. No more information on the topic is currently available, but be sure to stay tuned as the story develops.
Local man runs for mayor in bid to change the font on Steelers jerseys
In a startling turn of events, Pittsburgh local Bob Smith decided to be the catalyst for the changes that he wants to see within the Steelers organization. His family has confirmed that Smith had never before held any political interest, and that his decision to run for office came “totally out of the blue.” After several friends began avoiding Smith due to his obnoxious behavior, he told reporters that he used his time alone “to do some serious thinking”, and eventually decided that the best way to fix the issues with his alleged favorite team was to run for mayor. Smith is running on the promise that, if elected, he would mandate that the Steelers remove the italicized font numbers from their jerseys and return to block-numbers. Smith has insisted that block-lettering is “how God intended jersey numbers to look”, and that italicized numbers are “a perversion of all that is good” and “a blight upon our city”. Smith is banking on this promise to attract voters frustrated with the team’s uniform design. When questioned about the remainder of his political agenda, Smith avoided giving a direct answer, instead promising to “fire [Mike] Tomlin and get a decent coach in here.” We at BTSC advise our readers to vote for Smith at their own risk.
And with that, this week’s edition of the Steel-City Satirical has reached its conclusion. Be sure to stop by next week for more satirical stories surrounding the Steelers. In the meantime, feel free to peruse the comments and leave your own mark on Steeler-related conversation.