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Mike Tomlin must have been having a dress rehearsal press conference on Thursday

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin was in midseason form as he said a whole lot of nothing during his press conference on Thursday.

NFL: Indianapolis Colts at Pittsburgh Steelers Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

The Steelers are set to play their all-important dress rehearsal preseason game against the Detroit Lions at Heinz Field on Saturday evening.

It will be cool to see who will participate and how much, and this is why I made sure I caught head coach Mike Tomlin’s press conference on Thursday morning.

Actually, I don’t know why I thought Tomlin would reveal anything about Saturday’s preseason game because he didn’t. I usually fall for the same thing whenever I visit the website of one of those Tony Robbins’-type folks who say they can give me the direction I need to make $10 million or be an alpha man or whatever.

They never do, not unless I’m willing to fork over $99, no wait, $49 today only!

I’ve never been willing to fork over that much money, which means I’m still roughly $10 million short of my financial goal and still a beta male.

Back to Tomlin’s press conference from Thursday. We learned that quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will play. How much? Tomlin has a plan for that. What is the plan? He’s playing it by ear.

As for some other vital veterans, like Cameron Heyward and Joe Haden, Tomlin will also play their level of participation by ear. What about the guitar solo in Stairway to Heaven? I believe Tomlin said he can play that by ear.

Impressive.

Tomlin also said he will not paint with a broad brush. What’s he painting with a thinner brush? I don’t remember; even if I did, it probably had something to do with the plan. Maybe he is going to paint the wide net that he will cast at Heinz Field on Saturday night. Is Tomlin going to cast a net wide enough to cover the actual stadium or one just big enough to soften Roethlisberger’s fall if he gets hit by whoever Joe Haeg will be blocking? Is Haeg playing with the ones on Saturday? Could be. I mean, I might as well make that up.

You might say Tomlin was in midseason form during his press conference on Thursday. You could say, in fact, that it was his dress rehearsal session with the media. Tomlin never tells anyone anything during the regular season, and I guess he felt it necessary to get reporters and fans used to that before September 12.

The thing that cracked me up the most was when Tomlin was asked about a possible injury to defensive end Stephon Tuitt. He told the media member who asked the question that he didn’t have to divulge any information regarding injuries this time of year.

Yeah, like he ever really does any time of year.

I guess it’s easy to forget just how guarded head coaches are and how paranoid they get when it comes to potentially letting vital information slip out.

I just finished Bill Cowher’s new book—Heart and Steel—and it was great but a bit light on the juicy nuggets.

Chuck Noll was once asked if he’d ever write a book, and he said no because coaching was incredibly personal and private for him.

No truer words.

The only thing I know for sure about Saturday’s practice tilt with the Lions is that both Jordan Berry and Pressley Harvin will punt. I can’t believe Tomlin let that cat out of the bag. The Steelers play Detriot again during the regular season. Let’s hope the Lions don’t take notes.

Finally, now I know why real reporters often show disdain for the pretend media. If I had to go into work just to get the same answers a guy like me can get while watching it on YouTube in my mom’s basement, I might block some folks on Twitter, too.