The Steel City Satirical: Post-Preseason Edition

Life is too long to take things seriously all the time. I would elaborate a bit, but you’re not here to read my philosophical ramblings; you’re here for a good laugh while you catch up on the latest news surrounding the team you love. That laugh will be provided right after this mandatory disclaimer:

This article is satire. It is, quite literally, fake news. The fakest of news. I am required to tell you that, and to urge you towards civility in the comment section. However, if you want to start a brawl down there, I certainly can’t stop you. Do what you will my friends. Anyway, without further ado...

Dwayne Haskins wants to settle backup QB battle with actual battle

After Mason Rudolph appeared to emerge victorious in the preseason backup-QB battle, Dwayne Haskins has taken the matter into his own hands. Not satisfied with his position on the depth-chart, Haskins submitted a request to coach Mike Tomlin, asking that the backup-QB position battle be decided with an actual battle. While Tomlin initially denied the request, he is reportedly reconsidering his decision. This comes after Haskins posted a video showcasing his kung-fu skills and issuing a direct challenge to Rudolph on multiple social media sites. The Steelers have posted a poll on their official website, asking fans whether they would be interested in watching such a battle, with an overwhelming 97% of respondents indicating that they’d like to watch a cage-match between the two quarterbacks. Considering the buzz this has generated, many pundits speculate that Tomlin will have no choice but to allow the battle to take place, with one analysts declaring that “If Pittsburgh really cares about its fans, they’re gonna go through with this.” Below is the suggested ruleset for the battle:

• Match will be held in an official WWE closed-cage
• No firearms will be allowed, although katanas will be provided to each competitor
• War paint is highly encouraged, but not mandatory for combatants
• Shirts and upper-body coverings will be forbidden in the arena
• Match will be decided when one of the combatants is knocked out, or killed
• Winner will receive depth-chart priority at the quarterback position should Ben Roethlisberger be injured

Vote in the poll below for who you think would win the backup QB job should Tomlin allow them to go through with the battle!

Recently cut players relieved to still be in one piece

Several anonymous players interviewed after being released by the Steelers have stated that they were relieved to learn that being “cut” only meant losing their jobs and livelihood, not being chopped into tiny pieces. Several players reportedly got down on their hands and knees and begged head coach Mike Tomlin to spare their lives when he called them to his office to notify them that they were being released. “It was terrifying... I thought I was going to die.” one player stated. Multiple players confirmed that they were very careful walking into the meeting, stating that “We had to make sure that there weren’t any deathtraps around, like spikes on a falling ceiling, or a trip-wire that would shoot arrows from the walls.” Needless to say, they were all pleasantly surprised to find that being cut only meant that their contracts with the team were being terminated.

Benny Snell appointed team captain by Mike Tomlin

Fan-favorite running back Benny Snell finds himself embracing a new role this year. The role of team captain. For years, Snell has been seen as the short-yardage specialist, and believe me, nobody got shorter yardage than he did. Any fans who were paying attention knew it was only a matter of time before Snell became the focal point of the offensive game-plan. Sure enough, after an eye-opening training camp and preseason, Mike Tomlin had seen enough. Tomlin was apparently so impressed by Snell’s performance that he decided to forego the usual vote that determines the team captains, unilaterally awarding the position to Snell. With the “C” now resting on his jersey, Snell has a big responsibility heading into the season. He will no doubt be leading the charge as the focal point of the offense this year, and Pittsburgh faces a hefty challenge against a staunch Bills team in week 1. The weight of Pittsburgh’s offense is now delicately balanced on Benny Snell’s shoulder pads, and, if Mike Tomlin’s word is anything to go by, the young back is more than ready to lead the charge.

Steelers “patchwork” O-line starts quilting club

The Steelers offensive line is reportedly embracing their “patchwork” status by taking up quilting as a collective hobby. In an attempt to poke fun at their detractors, the Steelers linemen will be hosting a charity “quilt-a-thon” later this month. All proceeds from the event will go towards funding a buffet-night for the team orphans at a local orphanage. Grab your quilting-gear and come spin a thread with your favorite Steeler O-lineman. For more details on the event, please visit the official Pittsburgh Steelers website.

Local armchair quarterback reportedly purchasing bigger, more comfortable armchair in preparation for the upcoming season

Pittsburgh mayoral candidate Bob Smith has announced that he is taking a break from campaigning during the NFL season, in order to spend more time following the Steelers and critiquing Mike Tomlin on twitter. Smith has also announced that he plans on getting a bigger armchair to watch the games in, noting that “The bigger the armchair, the bigger the man.” While some pundits are suggesting that this break from politics is a death knell for Smith’s campaign, others are suggesting that, since he won’t be able to say anything political, he’ll actually stand a better chance at winning than any of his opponents, who will no doubt start to get on their voters’ nerves by the time the election rolls around. Will Smith’s new chair help him construct snarkier tweets? Will his break from politics actually help his mayoral campaign? Stay tuned for updates as the story progresses...

And with that, this week’s edition of the Steel-City Satirical has reached its conclusion. Be sure to stop by next time for more satirical stories surrounding the Steelers. In the meantime, feel free to peruse the comments and leave your own mark on Steeler-related conversation.