After a shocking series of events to land the Steelers in the postseason, the Men of Steel get back to the business of slaying giants against the Chiefs. With inquiries, story lines, and more, I’ve compiled a list of predictions (some basic, and some utterly idiotic) to look for in this opening contest.
Last week, I came close, but ultimately whiffed on most of my predictions. Let’s see if I can rebound this week.
- Fed up with one of his favorite actors waffling between the Steelers and Chiefs when it comes to his fandom, Boujee Smith-Schuster tracks down Paul Rudd and demands that the 2021 People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive profess his love for hypocycloids as opposed to arrowheads. When the brilliance behind Ant-Man, Mike Hannigan, Bobby Newport and Brian Fantana all refuse to renounce his hometown team, JuJu’s pooch threatens Rudd with, “You’ll rue this day, Scott Wang!” and proceeded to go to every steakhouse and dry cleaner in the Metro Kansas City area where he ripped down every photo of Rudd. Boujee posted bail in the first quarter. Typically, BJSS is freed by JuJu, but his participation in the game thwarts that. So, Rudd will post the hefty sum to free the French Bulldog due to the fact that he still likes the Steelers and French’s Mustard. Although it’s not Heinz, Boujee is smart enough to let it go.
- After a 16-week absence, JuJu Smith-Schuster returns.
- Former Steelers OC Randy Fichtner, knowing that current Chiefs’ OC Eric Bieniemy could be getting a head coaching gig soon, shows up on the Kansas City sideline in a red and gold parka with a clipboard, headset and a plan. Liking his moxie. Andy Reid pulls the plug after a three and out consisting of two unsuccessful runs and a pass in the flat that nets -3 yards.
- Ben Roethlisberger is sacked twice on the afternoon, but No. 7 throws for 260 yards and two scores against no picks.
- JuJu Smith-Schuster catches three balls in his triumphant return. One of those catches is for a touchdown. To celebrate, JuJu does a “no-no dance” while Boujee and Steelers receivers confiscate and dump KC fan’s beers. The gesture is to commemorate the banning, the making, selling, or transport of “intoxicating liquors for beverage purposes”, as the 18th Amendment was ratified by the US on this day in 1919 to begin prohibition.
- At Halftime, Le’Veon Bell appears on the Jumbotron live from a Tampa area Fudruckers to perform his new hip-hop single aimed at two of his former teams, “You Shoulda Paid Me, You Sholuda Played Me” amid three confused guests trying to consume a burger they assembled themselves.
- Zach Gentry and Pat Freiermuth combine for 9 catches on evening.
- Christopher Lynn Boswell’s production from five years ago in the playoff game against the Chiefs is cut in half. However, Boz is perfect on the afternoon with three field goals.
- Najee Harris gains 70 yards on the ground and 30 as a receiver out of the backfield. However, Benny Snell Jr, scores the lone rushing touchdown for the Steelers.
- Minkah Fitzpatrick, Terrell Edmunds and Ahkello Witherspoon all pick off Patrick Mahomes.
- T.J. Watt sacks Mahomes only once on the night, the only Steelers sack.
- The Steelers shock the NFL world and conquer the Chiefs 23-21.
Will any of this actually happen? I’ll bet at least one or two. Heck, maybe every one of them. Be sure to post your predictions — basic or bizarre — below.