If there is nothing as important as an idea, then there is nothing less important than someone’s “Power Rankings.” They are ridiculous during the season, when we can actually rank teams by their win/loss records. They are even more ridiculous during the offseason, when there are no games!
Almost as superfluous is the speculation over who will be QB1 this fall for the Pittsburgh Steelers. These questions will be settled soon in Latrobe and Heinz Field, but as fans, we’re left to guess and second guess all spring and summer. Fortunately, there’s one place that finds meaning in the meaningless by combining the frivolous and ludicrous.
Welcome to the Ultimate Steelers QB Power Rankings(tm).
#4 Mason Rudolph (Previously #2)
It’s been a tough month for Mase. A few short weeks ago, he launched a west coast media tour, making the case that he should be the man in Pittsburgh. This week, Steelers Reddit is upvoting him right off the roster. I personally think the Mason doubters should slow their roll. He has a valuable place on the 53-man roster, even as a third quarterback. His salary takes up less than 1.5% of the roster, so let him keep his hypocycloids! Even if there is an injury in the quarterback room, I’d predict an outside veteran signing before elevating Chris Oladokun. However, the Power Rankings(tm) don’t care about MY level of concern, so Mase slips to the ground floor.
#3 Chris Oladokun (Debut, previously unranked)
Sometimes the secret to achieving power is just showing up. That’s how seventh-round rookie Chris Oladokun finds himself in the No. 3 position. He’s an unknown quantity; a mystery man who, for a moment, has captured the curiosity of Steelers Nation, enough to want to give human Ken doll Mason Rudolph his pink slip. Want to learn more about Chris? Check out Oladokun’s interview with Andrew Wilbar and Jeremy Betz of The Steelers Draft Fix.
#2 Mitch Trubisky (Previously #1)
Our spring time QB1 has been making all the right Power Moves(tm) this offseason. Now he has a powerful legend in his corner.
“Mitch Trubisky might wind up going to the Pro Bowl this year, I’ll be the first to say it.” - Ike Taylor, “Bleav in Steelers”
Ike is in fact the first person to say this in 2022. A quick Google search of “Mitch Trubisky Pro Bowl” comes up with 746,000 results, but absolutely none after his embarrassing 2019 interception.
Unfortunately, the party poopers at Pro Football Focus (PFF) have unleashed their highly anticipated QB Food Pyramid, and #BiskyBusiness is in Tier E, giving him the quarterback nutritional equivalent of trans fats, oils and sweets.
Mitch also celebrated probably the biggest moment of his life this month, welcoming to the world his first son, Hudson. Hud Trubisky is admittedly a pretty tough Yinzer name. However, it was a missed opportunity for an Epic Power Move(tm). Everyone knows the power of the firstborn’s namesake. It can unite feuding families after generations of war; it can be given to the devil at the crossroads in exchange for fame and fortune. Imagine if Mitch had named his son Rooney, or Daniel, or Myron. He would now be overflowing with black and gold power and would instantly be named QB1. I guess now he’ll actually have to prove it on the field.
Congratulations to the Trubiskys! pic.twitter.com/oTdEXpC6Dj— Pittsburgh Steelers (@steelers) May 12, 2022
#1 Kenny Pickett (Debut, Previously unranked)
Who cares about small hands when you have the backing of the Invisible Hand? There are few things that can push the Power Needle(tm) more than a marketplace fueled by cold hard cash. And the money changers are already declaring Kenny QB1!
The official Steelers stores are now stocked to the teeth with Pickett #8 jerseys. Can teams even sell merchandise of a player who’s not officially under contract yet? WHO CARES! Get your jersey now! Don’t wait to see if Kenny wins the starting job. Buy with confidence! Where are the Trubisky #10 jerseys? Nowhere to be found. No one is asking for them. Rumor is you can find them at the Gabe’s in Belle Vernon.
Literally adding more $4.80/gallon fuel to the fire is the biggest Power Move(tm) of the week. Kenny signed his first big endorsement deal with the Power of Bowser Auto. Bowser is hoping to move past the AB/Larry Richert years and into a new era. They are the biggest name in the Route 51 car wars, and their endorsement speaks volumes, especially when no one has taken a snap yet.
The Steelers QB Power Rankings(tm) are now locked in. Submit your rankings in the comments, but please show your work.
To hear the The Steelers QB Power Rankings(tm) in podcast form, as well as more of the conversation about the Pittsburgh Steelers social media conversation, check out the most recent episode of the What Yinz Talkin’ Bout podcast: